It's April already?

My greatest accomplishment for the last couple of months was keeping my mouth shut. Obviously that's a lie, because here I am blogging again. My Finnish cousin in FLORUBA asked where my blog from MEXIFORNIA was, so here it is.  I know you people that read my blog are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away. 

(Yep, sure enough -  my level of sarcasm’s gotten to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not)

My Finnish Sisu: 

When I come to the end of my rope, I tie a knot and hang on. I can hang on forever. I will never give up. I come to the end of my rope quite often, but I certainly know how to tie a good solid knot and hang on. So, if you ask me what I'm up to, I will probably respond with .....Just Hangin'

The Seattle Seahawks: 

Saw this late breaking story from ESPN Sportscenter..........

Pete Carroll, former head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, is reported to be very near to signing on as a special consultant to The Pope in Vatican City. The Pope looks to recruit Carroll to be a spokesman for the Catholic Church because he is the first man in history that made 100 million people jump up and yell "Jesus Christ!" at the same time. More information will be reported as this story is followed. (Not really, I am pretty disgusted with the Seattle Seahawks right now, can you tell?)

My April Complaints: 

You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

My Doctor said I am supposed to stop all dairy products. If I kick dairy won't I get the milk shakes? Don't think I can do it. I was raised on Darigold products. Life is too short for fake milk, butter, cheese or people. I think I would  have a better chance of surviving The Oregon Trail than giving up my dairy products!

I am really sick of these Liam Neeson's "Taken" movies. I think they should just make make a final “Taken” movie, about Liam Neeson’s character being under appreciated for trying to keep his family safe. Movie Title: “Taken 4: Granted”

The human knee is a lousy piece of engineering and I am thinking of my friend Noreen. This will help! 

I lost my mood ring, and to be perfectly honest - I’m not sure how I feel about this.

Just something to think about: 

Death is an objective fact. Would anyone dare to propose that death is a product of our imagination? I don’t think so. But on the other hand, none of us has yet seen our own death. So how can we know that our death is certain, if we haven’t seen it? We only know by an educated guess or a hypothesis. Everyone in the past has died, without exception. So it is reasonable to conclude that for us, too, death is an undeniable fact. Too "heavy" for you? Yeah, me too.

My April Questions:

Why the hell is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyway? I just think that's really odd. (I bet there’s probably an employee named Jake who works at State Farm, who’s had it with people’s jokes about this)

I spend a really unusual amount of time trying to figure out where the bruises on my body come from. Do I really even want to know?

My thoughts about America and My thoughts about Obama: 

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

Obama has deliberately weakened the command structure of our armed forces. I have read somewhere that there were more than 200 high ranking officers relieved of duty and many more have left the service. This is an unprecedented act done by any president in our history and it is very suspicious to say the least. If this doesn't open your eyes and start you rethinking your world view, then you can just stay wrapped in denial and continue singing with the unicorns and dancing in the rainbows. At least until the big awakening bursts your little utopian bubble.

My April Advice: 

Carry your gun everywhere you legally can and carry a trauma kit so you can, if needed, give first aid to those in need. It’s time to think about what you are prepared to do. Gear up. Evil is coming. Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.

Never make eye contact while eating a banana.

Our Universe: 

I think our universe is so damn awesome.  Like a giant toy store, and aren’t we lucky to live in the time we do instead of the middle ages when the quest for knowledge was punished by burning at the stake?

Speaking of the Universe: And then "something" created Saturn… and it liked it… So it put a ring on it.

As for earth, it's a beautiful place, no doubt about it, but it's an over-populated world with limited resources,  plenty of famine, disease, war, pestilence, natural disasters, and just plain old person-on-person violence. But,  where else are we gonna live?

Just the Truth:

Sometimes I look at all four of my dogs  and my heart physically hurts because I love them so much. People may laugh, but they only WISH they were as loved as any one of my dogs.

After a certain (non disclosed) amount of years on this Earth I have come to the conclusion that there are three types of people.  People  who stay when your life gets rough.  People who leave when your life gets rough.  People who make your life rough.

One fourth of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other three fourths of me is, well, an asshole. What can I say? I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions, or unnecessary conversations.

I totally disagree with the “World’s Oldest Profession” being prostitution because the first man to use a prostitute had to have some kind of job to pay her, right? Yeah, I'm right.

So, the last time I flew, this guy on the plane asked me "So, where are you going to?" (Seriously Dude?) My answer: I’m guessing it’s the same place you’re going. Geez, there really are some idiots in the world aren't there?

Shit happens, just step over it!

Obama took a private plane flight over an Indian Reservation in Parker Arizona -

It certainly appears that  the people in Arizona are looking for a change also.

In alcohol’s defense, I’ve  done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too. Admit it, so have all of you. I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking. Sometimes alcohol is the hand sanitizer for the soul.  To me, “drink responsibly” means not spilling it.

My morning Chai Tea Latte: The original first responder

I’m not totally saying I’m old and worn out, but I do make damn sure that I am nowhere near the end of my driveway on Tuesday trash day.

Did you ask me?

My dream job? It would definitely be the Karma delivery service.

My spirit Animal? My spirit animal might be that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure. Because sometimes I don't know why I do the things I do. Maybe the chicken saw someone from way back, you know, like high school. Just sayin’. Speaking of chickens - They are the only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. Ok, that's somewhat disgusting.

Sometimes I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a cute huggable puppy, or just a plate of nachos (Sometimes I wish I was full of nachos instead of emotions).

My parents were so lucky they survived my rebellious phase. It lasted quite a number of years. Me as a teenager: "That’s a horrible idea. Hell YES, let's do it! What time?"

Remember when teenage girls had diaries and  then they got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything on Facebook and get mad when people don’t. Go figure.

The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, it's like being a little kid again - I’ve forgotten where I was going and damn if I don't have to pee. Yep, cold weather gear is great until you have to pee.

For one of my dog’s birthday's I am going to steal a school bus and drive that dog and all the neighborhood's dogs around with all the windows down. What a birthday gift that would be, right?

True story - I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, but I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person. Hmmm, maybe I should rethink that statement. My friend Kara's new dog doesn't like me. Oh wait, her other dog Reasa does. It's confirmed. One must get to know me before they like me. Even canines. Having pets is weird if you really think about it. You don’t speak the same language, you create a strong bond by being around each other and you even sleep together. Sometimes you might accidentally step on their tail once in a while but at the end of the day, you’re best friends and you are from entirely different species. Yeah, it's weird.

If I was to ever date again (and that's highly unlikely) this would be my Facebook status: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …don't worry, will never happen. The dating or the Facebook.

Ok, ummmm...."American Sniper" proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work. My advice there? Mute your phone. You can't properly scope in on your target chit chatting with your Stateside wife! And why the hell do you have a cell phone in the battle zone anyway? Unreal.

Some people in my life: I see that your lights are on but I also see that someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.

My predictions for the year 2050: 

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest Country in the world, Mexifornia,formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the third language.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last Castro finally dies.  Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for fifth consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.

Gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2051.

63 Pakistanis died this morning. It was not a terrorist attack; a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .

And for any of you who leave your dogs unattended in vehicles, this is for you: 

(you may have to copy and paste)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=p4Zu-a1dWhk

In parting, just want to say:

Just another January

DISCLOSURE: 

I HEREBY GIVE MY PERMISSION to the the President of the United States, the Police, the NSA, the FBI and CIA, the Swiss Guards, the Priory of Scion, the inhabitants of Middle Earth, Agents Mulder and Scully, All the Storm Troopers and Darth Vader, the Mad Hatter, Chuck Norris, The Avengers, The Men in Black, X-Men, Ghost Busters, The Justice League, Gandalf and Dumbledore, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and all the members of Van Halen, Dr.Who, James Garner, Angela Landsbury, the WWF, EPA , He-man, Cheech and Chong,  Batman, and even Magnum P.I. and Poo-Poo Putin to view all the amazing and interesting things that I publish on this blog. I’m aware that my privacy ended the very day that I started this blog. 

My January Advice:

You’ll end up real disappointed if you think people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.

Don’t reach for the stars. They are extremely hot and will incinerate you.

If you make your door bell a recording of a shotgun being racked you won't get so many people at your door.

Never forget that at the end of the game, the king and the pawn go back in the same box to sleep side by side.

My January Questions:

Wouldn't it be so cool if you could see Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies?

I wonder if my dogs always follow me into the bathroom because I always follow them outside when they have to potty and they just think that’s how it works?

Isn't it  season 7 of Sons of Anarchy? Yet,  seriously I  have not  seen any of them, and I mean ANY of them ever stop to put gas in their Harleys!

Ok, so why do medications always have side effects? You know, for example  like ‘anal leakage’ or ‘suicidal thoughts’? Why not ‘invisibility’ or ‘spontaneous orgasms’?

Hello Finland,  where can I find a Finnish sauna and enjoy delicious Finnish food, havarti cheese, rye breads, with a good strong cup of coffee? All at once?

My January Truth's: 

"I love you unconditionally*" - God
(*certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details)

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my Collie again.

IKEA's cost cutting plan for the year 2015 includes sending a whole tree to your house, complete with nails, hammer and a saw so that you can just build your own shit.

Women can say “what a dick” as an insult or a compliment for men. It's true!

I would rather have a life full of scars than one full of fear. I have three very obvious scars and trust me they were worth it.

I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, Mr. UPS man!

Sometimes my Finnish Wizards take me through troubled waters, not to drown me but to cleanse me.

I have come to the realization that my real friends don’t get offended when I insult them. They smile and call me something even more offensive. Hell, that's true friendship.

The best stories that I have ever told always end with the words "and then I got the hell out of there.”

The difference between people who hunt is that hunting is a hell of a lot easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants. Poor plants don't even stand a chance. If you step on a twig and it makes noise, well, off the deer goes, but the plant just sits there. Really unfair. To the plant.

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight…you’re drunk. True fact.

It’s true, alcohol kills people. But just think about it - how many people were born because of it?

My friend Scuba, real name non-disclosed of course, got so high the other night that we all searched for him for over 30 minutes while he HELPED us look.

My January Complaint's:

I was told by Bank of America that I had a transaction charge outside of the United States. Seriously? I rarely leave the freaking mountain I live on, let alone fly somewhere on a plane outside of the United States.  SpiceJet Unlimited? In India? Oh HELL NO, that was not a transaction that I made. Who the hell names their airline SpiceJet anyway? After researching them I found this: "When gullible passengers book tickets, they cancel flights at the last moment, then they promise to reimburse full fare within 30 days while they enjoy the interest on the fare amount and end up paying their clients 50% of their fare costs. If you wish to be taken for a ride, this is the flight for you".  Might want to update that to add that they somehow steal your BofA credit card and rack up $400 worth of non-existant flight charges.

Which brings to mind, does anyone else think that buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself?

I have to learn to lock my drive gate more often. The Sheriff's Department knocked on my door at 11 pm and asked me where I was between 5 and 6. What the hell kind of a question is that? Being the honest person that I am -  I told them kindergarten.

2014, I am not sorry to see you leave:

Thanks, 2014, you were really crappy. Let's look back on what a great year it wasn't.  Ray Rice beat his wife, but nobody really cared until they saw a video of Ray Rice beating his wife. We narrowly escaped Ebola. Or did we?  (More than six thousand people have died from Ebola) The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) entered the picture,  the breakdown in relations between Russia and the west got worse,  America returned to war in the Middle East, Scotland didn't vote for independence,  Bill Cosby and that guy from Seventh Heaven ruined childhoods.  While the majority of  other businesses mysteriously caught fire, screen printed T-shirt sales were a ten year high in Ferguson, Missouri. The disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 is still a mystery, and one can always count on the Putin Russian propaganda division blaming the USA to constantly play their divide and conquer little mind game in Europe. 

The Holidays are over:

The only thing I wanted this holiday season was for someone to wake me when it was over. I’ve come to terms with the fact that it never “feels like Christmas” anymore because I’ll never be as happy as I was when I was a child. True fact. Christmas to me nowadays is just the time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning! Or rum. Or Kahlua, or anything alcoholic for that matter. Worst Christmas ever. You can assume that, for the next year, there will be Baileys in every cup of coffee I drink. If 2014 was a person, I’d sue it for pain and suffering! If I learned anything in 2014, it is that 2014 taught me that you outgrow people and it’s okay.

My goals for 2015:

To ONLY surround myself with supportive, positive and honest truthful people - that only add smiles and happiness to my life.

To not miss the August  Perseid meteor shower which peaks the night of Aug. 12 and continues into the early morning of Aug. 13. No moon means this will be one of the best meteor showers in the Northern Hemispere. The best in a couple of years actually since in past years the moon was out playing havoc with my meteors. 60 to 100 of them per hour! You can't get any better than that! Well actually you can - 2015's best meteor shower comes in December, the Geminids, on the night/morning of Dec. 13/14.  That one will have up to 120 meteors per hour (at the peak)with just a little crescent moon which is tolerable light for a meteor shower. Last December I was out watching the Geminids, all bundled up in ski clothes, blankets, gloves, fell asleep out there and ended up with pneumonia. Love meteor showers but dang it, getting pneumonia doesn't make it worthwhile, does it?

My other goal in 2015 is to accomplish the goals of 2014 which I should have done in 2013 because I made a promise in 2012 and planned it in 2011.

My Final Thoughts:

Good Luck Seattle Seahawks! It would be awesome to see a powerful team like Seattle going for a second title!

Communist Russian Pig Putin :  His politics,  His low IQ, His ego fueled by vodka.What could go wrong? Putin wants the Arctic now. The Arctic circle is a wealth of natural resources.  Five countries have staked claim to it.  Russia, Canada, USA, Norway and Denmark. 5 countries want to carve up this North Pole like a freak'n Christmas turkey?  Maybe Putin is thinking of setting up emergency bunker shelters in that area? The lower Arctic regions  would escape a lot of fallout from a Nuclear exchange wouldn't they?  Just say'n. 

And my final question: Does anyone else wonder about this? When your dog sees a police dog does he think to himself "Oh shit, it's the cops!" ???????

Holy shit Karma, how much longer till we're all squared up?

I have been sick with bronchitis and pneumonia since November 21st. I missed my traditional Thanksgiving holiday with my son and his family. It has not been a good couple weeks for me. Bronchitis is my least favorite dinosaur. I coughed so hard I truly believed I opened a portal to a different dimension! I guess having pneumonia at the same time didn't help matters much. Maybe I should just ask my Doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for me?

Since I am housebound I may as well do my blog. If I sound angry or especially sarcastic blame it on the illness. Just kidding, I don't have to be sick to be angry or sarcastic. 

Dear other countries, we can't explain Barack Obama either. Sorry.

The truth is I do not like the Obama, what he represents, his ideology, and I certainly do not like his policies and legislation. I've made no secret of my contempt for  Obama.  I will neither apologize nor retreat from any of my condemnation of him and of his policies. I don't retreat from anything. Dislike for him has nothing to do with the color of his skin (mulatto, not black, by the way!)  It has everything to do with his behavior, attitudes, and policies. And I have open scorn for him constantly playing the race card. He even did it with the Ferguson/Brown incident! There has never been a white president that could ignore laws, flaunt the position of president, as this man has been allowed - out of fear for his color. Don't even get me started on his his willful and unconstitutional actions, because that is like opening Pandora's box. I'll never shut up. I condemn this President because he shows nothing but contempt for America. He shows no respect for the sanctity of the office he holds. He shovels the shit better than anyone I have ever seen. He needs to be impeached. No President has stepped on our Constitution like our current mulatto messiah has, not even close.  He has tried to make our democracy into a socialist state and wants to set himself up as dictator in chief.  Obama will go down in history as the WORST President in US history. He has single handedly ruined this country. Yep, in my opinion, the worst by far and away is the current Marxist in Chief. He is the current culmination of the 20th century parade of socialists that have ruined this country. Wait for it. Wait for it. I am not done bashing him yet.  He is our unabashed marxist/weather underground terrorist and illegal alien smuggler in chief. The other "bad" Presidents?   Carter,  he gave away the Panama Canal. Clinton,  totally disgraced our nation and gave away military technology to the Chinese (although the sale of cigars increased tremendously). Nixon, Watergate. He escaped impeachment only by being the first President to resign.

I've tired of all the bullshit in regards to the Brown/Ferguson incident. 

Is this middle guy for freak'n real? Does this show complete stupidity or what? 

Ok, I just have to have my say. Just say'n. Brown got what he deserved. Wilson's shooting of Brown was righteous. Specifically, Wilson was not indicted because of forensics, facts and the damn truth came out! The eye witnesses recanted what they originally said. All of that bullshit "Hands Up! Don't shoot!" was all a huge LIE!  Brown was attacking Officer Wilson while Officer Wilson was sitting inside his patrol car. That is why Brown got shot! It had nothing to do with race. It could have been a white man and he would have been shot too. Race is not involved here.  After the incident inside the patrol car Brown ran, Wilson chased him, Brown stopped, turned around and started charging Wilson, and Brown was shot again. Its simple! You wanna live? Don't FU** with cops! By all means don't try and take their weapon, and don't start a damn fight with them if you want to live to see the sun come up in the morning. I would have done the same thing as Wilson, and so would any cop I know - or anyone else in Wilson's situation OR else you'd be the dead one, not Brown. When that white trash meth head from your trailer park gets busted and shot for resisting arrest you don't see the white's starting a riot or Al Sharpton sticking his nose into the mix to start trouble. Racists like Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Obama and Oprah aren't getting involved to defuse the situation they are simply using the situation to help their agenda of dividing this country and promote another book to make money for THEMSELVES. Furthermore all  the money they have why don't you ever hear of them trying to help out any black neighborhoods? Bottomline, this was  a thug ( I usually say "perp", but am using "thug" for obvious reasons) who had just commited a strong armed robbery then attacked a police officer and tried to take his gun and then rushed him. Black or white, who cares, the thug in this incident got what he deserved Nothing more, nothing less. Righteous shooting. Sure there are some reported incidents in the white trash areas, but nothing compared to those reported in the inner city and suburban ghetto's. Certainly there is never any outcry by the white population about any of it. A total of 1,501 law enforcement officers have died in the line of duty during the past 10 years, an average of one death every 58 hours or 150 per year. Yeah, Officer Wilson did what he was taught to do, or he would have been "just another" dead cop. A large part of the problem here is the continual liberal media agenda of trying to inflame black passions against police officers. It's always been that way and will continue to be that way. When young black men encounter police officers, their reactions are far more likely to be distrustful and aggressive than when a young white man encounters them. Do you think black leaders passing down hatred from their experiences with officers has anything to do with this? HELL YES.  The issues of the past are always being brought forward by black leaders which causes the young blacks of today to react with hatred, anger and fear with a police officer which anyone can tell you, those emotions never lead to a positive conclusion. Just watch the news and you will hear interviews of black people who think that a black man killing a police officer is a good thing. And you expect police officers to not defend themselves against such attitudes? So to the blacks of America who are inciting racial unrest,  talk of race wars and threats of rioting -  I say this:  Clean your own litter box. I have yet to see any national outrage over the real criminals who are killing blacks -  other blacks. More than 94% of all black murder victims are killed by other blacks, yet there is no outrage except in the  rare cases of a white, or a cop, or even worse, a white cop killing a black. Blacks have far more to fear from other blacks, but there is no money or publicity in showing outrage over that is there? Let's face facts - there are more white cops than black and more crime in black neighborhoods and there will be more opportunities for the white police officer to encounter black thugs. If perhaps we had less black thugs running around committing crimes and actually following the law they wouldn't be encountering a white officer who is only doing his job. Maybe someone should tell the thugs, both black and white, that an officer is someone of AUTHORITY  and their requests should be followed. Does a black cop killing a young white man make the news? Does it cause civil unrest? Hell no. I'm so damn tired of the blacks and the whites as well coming across like they are above the law.  No, no, no I will never apologize for the scarcastic and angry woman I’ve become. Because nobody has ever apologized for making me this way. Don't criticize a cop's actions, until you've been in his/her shoes. You have no damn idea. 

Just throwing this in here:
Some people should buy a sense of humor on Black Friday.
Pertaining to Black Friday after Thanksgiving sales of course.

Boycott Russian vodka throughout the free world. Buy Finlandia! Buy Svedka! 

To all of my Finnish relatives in Finland: I say "be vigilant and stay safe". 

For the godless commie bastard Russians, who read my blog (oh yes, I know you do) I have a mere two words to say to you: "Simo Häyhä"  Just a normal Finnish farmer who had competed his mandatory one year of military training who decided to  defend his country when Russia attacked Finland in 1939. Picture this: Simo with just a couple cans of food,  hiding in a tree in the forest. All day. Shooting Russians. In six feet of snow. In  20-40 degrees below zero weather. 

Do you see Simo? Nope, of course not. That's why he was called the "White Death"

His kill count?  Up to 705 or something like that. Yeah, I know, I've mentioned Simo in my blogs before. Hell, he's a hero, he's worth mentioning over and over.  The man known as the "White Death" because of his white camouflage outfit. He Finnished the Soviets. The only American war hero to even come close to Simo is Audie Murphy. Ok, that's a "in my opinion" opinion. Watch the movie "To Hell and Back", the real  Audie Murphy plays Audie Murphy the soldier, who is a badass war hero who proves his worth on the battlefield with his awesome badassery. I love the word 'badassery'. I am still waiting for someone from Hollywood to make a good movie out of Simo's story! 

Gotta love a good sniper story, right? 

Audie Murphy

My WTF moments: 

I received a call from the local Shingletown school saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son in that school. Hell, my son is a gown man with his own children. That kid is one damn good liar.

I  got robbed last week at the local Chevron station. Yep, right here in Shingletown. I called the Sheriff, and dispatch asked if I knew who did it. I said “Yes, of course, it happened right in front of me. Pump number  2.”  Typical of our Sheriff's Department, no response, no report.

My Confessions:

I told everyone here in town that I have a twin so that when they see me in public I won’t have to talk to them. Clever, no? I'm not really lying. I am a Gemini. We all know that Gemini's have a twin. Thank you for pretending not to see me when I pretended not to see you. 

I purchased my own Taser off the internet last week. In a totally unconnected incident, really, totally unconnected,  I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.

When someone tells me I look familiar, I immediately start to panic.

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a beautiful day. 

I'm worried. Damn worried.  Is Spanish going to be mandatory now that Obama has pardoned over 5 million illegals? What is going to happen at my bank's ATM? What if it gives me pesos? 

So, usually I try to behave, especially in public.......but I was at our local pizza joint/bar with a friend a while back. This woman walked in wearing a t-shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "implants"? Hey, I take some t-shirts/sweatshirts literally. 

I do not have any form of adult ADD. I have "what your saying bores the shit out of me". Don't ever confuse it. 



If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.

To that one person that I would never be friends with again - ever:  If your phone doesn´t ring, it´s me. As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass. But I'm saving that splinter - I am about to stick that splinter in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.  All this time I thought Bi-Polar was just  a big white bear with no sexual preference. You learn something new every day huh? Oh look at the time, it's time for me to not care. Again.

Just a question to ponder: 

In your opinion who do you think was the best president the U.S.A. has ever had? 

I'm an admitted Kennedyphile, so I'll always give a nod to him, since he did avert a nuclear war during the Cuban Missile Crisis. But.....FDR was,  by far, the most talented, successful, and dedicated President this country has ever seen.  And he accomplished what he did after being afflicted with polio.   Roosevelt took over the Presidency during the worst financial disaster the country and world had ever seen (Great Depression).  He managed to get people back to work, improved the economy, and restored the confidence of a significant majority of the American people. He tried to keep the United States out of World War II as long as possible, but he sure as hell did not hesitate to ask for a declaration of war when our Pearl Harbor was attacked by the Empire of Japan without warning.  He then took the necessary steps to propel the greatest industrial power in the world into an efficient fighting machine capable of defeating Hitler, Mussolini, and Hirohito at the same time.  I'm sure a lot of people don't know that FDR was responsible for implementing the program that provides for retirement, disability, sickness, and survivor benefits for a huge majority of today's working class. This President was a man of great personal wealth but his efforts focused on working Americans and their families.  If not for him , Social Security would not be a significant part of almost every American's life. But then again, hell, Lincoln held the country together during the Civil War. Oh but now, with all the civil unrest going on, maybe he shouldn't have done what he did, huh?  No President has had to deal with that. Washington , he was the best non-politician president ever who was ready and willing to give up the office and reluctant to get it in the first place! We were a new country. He was the president and started with nothing. He had  to make it up along the way, and he set precedence for future Presidents. He believed it was not just his duty to lead but also to serve and that is a quality you will not find in any modern President nowadays. Without Washington there would be no America as we know it today. Same with Lincoln. They are not without their detractors, but they were certainly the right person for the job at the time. Lincoln and Washington - two very different,  but extraordinary,  men. 

Ah, I can't really decide who I feel was the best President, but I do want to high five Jefferson though! 

"The beauty of the Second Amendment is that it will not be needed until they try to take it." 

Thomas Jefferson

My advice column:

Reminder: Buy low and sell high. Unless it's Pot. Then you're buying and selling high.

A "at Home DNA test" is not a good baby shower gift. But hilarious none the less. 

My advice for my friend Jack in Sonoma County:  Whatever you do don't get thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table. I suppose this advice could be equally beneficial for my other friend Jack who lives in Virginia City.

My questions:

Is it just me or does orange juice taste funny without vodka?

I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some guy adjusting his "goods". Am I right? Really, am I right? Guys?

To be sure of hitting the target, shouldn't you just shoot first and call whatever you hit the target?

Aren't some  people  just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap? 

I found my Christmas Tree this year. Can somebody help me get it? I'm still not feeling up to par and I really don't like heights. 

Ever wonder:

If sex toy manufacturers have product testers?

In a thousand or so years, will archeologists dig up old tanning beds and  think we just "fried" people as punishments?

If you should just keep a can of gray spray paint in your car? It  is a lot cheaper than a ticket for parking in the red zone. (No, Bridget you did not see me in Mill Valley. Ok, prove it woman!) 

What do you think your dog named you?

What was the craziest thing you've ever done that was a total waste of money? Mine was going to College. How the hell did that help me through life? I chose a career where it was literally "OK" to drop kick someone's ass and make their life a living hell. I learned those skills in grade school. I perfected them by middle school. What a waste of time college was.

If you should just buy a medical alert bracelet that says "probably just shitfaced"?

And before I end this blog I just want you all aware of something. The media in the United States has failed to provide any coverage of the debate in House of Representatives and the adoption of H Res 758 on December 4, 2014. Media blockout. So, we, the public remain unaware of what is going on.  The authorization for war with Russia. Google it yourself. (H. Res. 758)  (would provide a  green light to the US president and commander in chief to initiate –without congressional approval– a process of military confrontation with Russia.  I guess....what?......I been say'n this all along huh?

I am looking reality straight in the eye, and it ain't pretty - Russian women to impregnate themselves with President Vladimir Putin's sperm?

Thanking my Finnish ancestors for giving me the 'Sisu' to manage a smile on my face even though I think the world is going to hell.  Mikhail Gorbachev (X-USSR President) has been given credit for helping to bring about a peaceful end to the Cold War, yet he is now warning that the World is on the brink of a new Cold War, Obama doubled the number of US troops in Iraq just 72 hours after getting thumped at the polls, Ebola, swarms of earthquakes on the California border, not much to be happy about nowadays. Yet the "blog" must go on. 

Confessions:

For Halloween I went as an invisible person. I was at all your parties. 

I bought a self-help DVD online from Amazon, called "How to Handle Disappointment". When the package arrived it was empty. Touche Amazon!

Questions:

Does anyone know what a job application at Hooters is like? Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out”?

During a conversation with one of my friends at the Pizza Parlor the other day I was  told that I was full of bull crap. Allow me this analogy. He had a bag of crap and I had a bag of crap. He was a stingy miser with his crap and never shared it. I on the other hand spread mine generously thus depleting my bag of crap. Therefore, he was the one who was full of crap. Right?

What exactly did the person do, while drunk, to get the term "sh*t faced" coined? Do we even want to know?

Brokeback Mountain pretty much ruined camping as a male bonding activity for straight guys, doncha think?

You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That's a ghost finishing sex with you, right?

My complaints (aka Bitches)

I clicked my heels 3 times.. and I'm still in California. Whatthef*ck, Dorothy?  ( "like",  "for sure", "right on", "dude", "totally", "peace out", "chill", "tight", "bro", "hella",  "stoked" and "fo sho." are part of my standard California volcabulary now. Sad. )

My back is killing me. I always have back pain but days like today make me really wish they made Flintstone's Chewable Morphine. 

I should really get paid for all this free sarcasm I give away. 

I am craving some Paasiaisleipa. If anyone wants to be nice to me, they will make me some. I don't have a milking pail or I'd do it myself, even though it isn't even Spring! 

(Dear Santa: I need a milking pail but please not a galvanized one!) 

I am still sitting on these Cadbury Eggs from last Easter and the Peeps haven't hatched yet. Disturbing.

My Advice: 

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes far far away...and everything else in a big pile out in the garage.

Don’t complain about your life when you are the one who is in charge of it.

Stores should do a lot of rearranging - to make young people think. Condoms should be located in the baby aisle right next to the $30 diapers and the $25 baby formula cans.

More Fun: 

Put a sign on a ATM machine that says “now voice activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold. People are so damn gullible. I know. I'm blonde.

Buy an electronic cigarette. The look on people's faces when you  smoke it and pump gas is priceless.

Go the the supermarket, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Whiskey and wink at the cashier. (I dare you)

The Truth's: 

It's too bad we can't set our clocks back to before we had ever heard of the Kardashians.

Whenever my mother would talk about 'the good old days', she always stopped at 1952. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what? 

I think I am beginning to realize that I was probably dropped as a baby (see above). Hell, maybe even thrown. 

Say what you will about Lance Armstrong...but I still think he's amazing! If I was on drugs, I probably couldn't even find my bike.

I hate it when people I don't like say "It just can't be done", and I have to spend the rest of my life desperately trying to prove them wrong. Anyway, I'm off to the store to buy a hammer, some nails, some jello, and a ceiling. 

I won’t take a bullet for ANYONE, because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move.

A good thing about being single is I don't have to worry about anyone flushing while I shower. Or caring that I exist for that matter.

And for the 

REAL TRUTH:

My daily "Musings of Hating on Russia":

There’s nothing like a few beheadings to put things in perspective. Vladimir Putin, the godless Commie Bastard, is showing that NATO is a hollow alliance that is more talk than action. NATO's strong words and sanctions are not curbing his continued provocations - whatsoever! Strong arm tactics. The bear has come back from hibernation. Putin is playing a game of cat and mouse so he can get an idea of what he can and cannot get away with, while "WE" let him. ("We", as in Germany, Japan, Sweden, Finland, United States, Norway, Britain, Portugal, Turkey, Denmark, amongst others) Putin is ‘an international predator’. Putin says that  the west (meaning the U.S. of course) is  weak, and hostile to Russia’s values, including religious values. There it is - that  word - religion. In the end the real roots of warfare are the lust for power, land and money. Religion is just a tool for motivating and providing an excuse for a war, any war. Religion is an excuse. Human nature is the cause of all of the conflict in the world and if it were not religion it would be something else. Power, land, and money were and remain the root causes of war and conflict. I am not just hating on Putin, I call it as I see it, so I will also say that Obama is a spinless sonofabitch. It's too bad we no longer have our anti-Communist President Ronald Reagan. This shit wouldn't be happening if Reagan was still alive and in office. Maybe it's time for me to leave this country, cross it's borders and live elsewhere. Denounce my American citizenship. I'm an American but I sure as hell don't expect my President to still be having secret conversations with a former KBG General (Putin). He has a lot of secret conversations. I remember the whispered conversation that Obama and President Medvedev (the outgoing Russian President Dmitri Medvedev) were having when both thought the microphones were off!  "After my election I have more flexibility"  ( Election 2012 )  What the hell did that mean Obama? That yes, in fact, you are selling out America?

Something to think about -  WWI was caused by countries protecting their crumbling empires, WWII caused by a man's greed. Put those two together and you will have WWIII. As I said earlier - Power, Land, and Money were and will always remain the root cause of war and conflict.  Let me spell that out. Even simpler.                                                  

Check out this news, actual real time news: 

A Russian lawmaker has introduced a bill that would allow Russian women to impregnate themselves with President Vladimir Putin's sperm.

Russia might soon have a whole lot of pint-sized Putins. A Russia lawmaker schemed up a bizarre way to breed the next generation of great patriots: inseminate women with Vladimir Putin’s sperm.

Yelena Borisovna Mizoulina ― the Chairwoman of Parliamentary Commission on Women’s Affairs, Children and Family ― introduced a bill into the State Duma explaining the peculiar pregnancy program, Russian newspaper Trust reported. “Every citizen of Russia will receive by mail the genetic material of the President to get pregnant from him and have a baby,” she said according to the translated proposal. She explained that after Putin’s offspring are born, they must attend special schools to ensure they live up to their genes. The presidential progenies will attend Suvorov schools, boarding schools that focus on military training, where they will learn to be “devoted to the homeland and to the president of the Russian Federation,” Mizoulina said. Plus, moms who raise baby Putins will get a special allowance from the state. It’s unclear when Putin’s sperm could start shipping ― or if the Duma will even agree to the breeding bill.

Oh GREAT, the thought of more Putin godless commie bastards just made me sick to my stomach

(Virpi, is that a Finnish Puukka on Putin?) 

Yes, I'm  a pain in the ass, but damnit, I admit it. And now I say "Goodbye" because it's truly a dying art of knowing when to shut the hell up. But before I go I just want to say one thing. (See, I really don't know when or how to shut the hell up)  The 2014 MidTerm elections proved one thing to me. Voters finally realized that Obama couldn't run our country let alone his own Democratic party. The "people" of America have spoken and they have spoken very loudly!!! The Republicans  have both houses, congress and senate.  No doubt Obama's first question to his advisers..."How is this going to effect my golf game"? If Obama truly has America's best interests at heart, he will show a willingness to work with Republicans. If he publicly picks a fight and vows to use more executive powers, then we know that Obama is more concerned about his own vision of America and voters be damned. I don't expect Obama to change. His ego won't allow it. Both Republicans and Democrats have nothing to offer but name calling and belittling each other over stupid trivial topics that will not solve any of the serious economic issues America faces. Face it. ALL  politicians suck. Obama ~ he never acknowledges his own shortcomings, and look what happens. We all suffer. Obama never demonstrates the kind of courage or flexibility that would help him resolve present problems.  I, for one, grew very tired of seeing him making excuses for the things that did not happen. 

As I end this blog, I present you with this:

Peace out

FACT: Everybody needs a smart ass sarcastic friend

Here I am, again.  Just for the record, I’m surprised as everyone else  by what comes out of my mouth. My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it probably won’t ever feel quite right.

Memories: 

The Judge: "After reviewing the motions in front of me I have decided to give your ex-wife $500 a month for child support"

My X: "That’s very generous of you your honor.  I’ll try and kick in a little myself"

When people ask me what Jack, Michele, and I  did during their visit from Virginia City, I'm just gonna squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”

Halloween:

I had an awesome idea for decorating my yard for Halloween this year, but the Shasta County morgue said they couldn't release the bodies. 

Halloween is definitely by far, the safest day to kill a person you don't like and leave them in a chair on your neighbor's porch.

My thoughts on Christmas:

Normal Fir trees in my forest probably look at Christmas trees all dressed up with their lights and ornaments and think .. "Whore"

If Santa doesn't bring me something good I'm going to pee in his lap like I did when I was four. I will.

So when someone asks you " Where is your Christmas Spirit?" Are you suppose to point out your liquor cabinet?

My note to Santa:  Dear Santa I've been good all year! Ok most of the time. I mean once in a while. I was framed.  Oh...F*ck it, I'll buy my own sh*t.

I'm gonna put mistletoe in my back pocket so certain people can kiss my a**!

My Questions:

1. Why did they name them “Trojan” condoms? I I am not mistaken, didn’t that Trojan horse burst open and thousands of little guys came out? I would consider this to be really stupid marketing.

2. If a bulldog mated with a shitzu what would the new breed be called? Think about it.

3. It's  been a whole five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. Did they go out of business or something? Anybody hear anything?

4. Aren't slugs  just snails that have been through a divorce?

5. Aren't we all just a whim away from singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” ??? Yes, a whim away…a whim away…a whim away. (You're welcome - you'll be humming this all day long now)

6. My grand father carried a Pocketwatch. My Dad wore a wristwatch, I wore a digital watch. Then all of these were replaced by cell phones. Which, incidentally, we keep in our pockets. Is this progress or did we just go full circle? Back in time?

My advice for the week:

If you want to find your prince you need to kiss a few frogs NOT sleep with the whole pond.

It's FALL.  The season of apples, frost, beautiful turning leaves and roadkill. Animals are migrating, searching for mates or evading hunters. Drive safe, pay attention.

Stay strong and move forward in life; never stopping, never giving up, never take a step back.

Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make shit happen.

Only a fool trips on what’s behind him.

The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.

My Complaints for the week:

“100% natural” means nothing to me. Absolutely nothing.  Horseshit is 100% natural but I’m not eating that. Not even with chocolate sprinkles or maraschino cherries on top.

Living in the forest: juggling 20 things at once until I get so exhausted physically and mentally that I give up on everything and just watch TV.

I refuse to buy new things on black Friday, especially since it is the very day after we say we’re grateful for what we already have. Just doesn't make any sense to me.

I see the logging trucks go cruising down the road, past my house, stacked with a bunch of those fresh-cut giants, it saddens me.  I feel like I lost a brother. Next thing you know, my friends and I are in Pizza Parlor, we're flopping money down on the bar. Wood. We're under a roof. Wood. We're walking the floors. Wood. Grabbing a pool cue. That's wood.  Go out and plant a wet one on a tree. Appreciate the fact they had to die in order for us to have what we want.

The Truth's: 

I watched my neighbor's cats when they went on vacation. I was really concerned that I never saw one of them during all that time. Well, until the day my neighbors were to return. It scared the hell out of me by jumping out of a stump as I walked up to the porch. I soon realized why it had been missing all that time. It had a makeover. I mean a complete makeover! "Dexter" used to be a male cat. Now....well....a photo is worth a thousand words. Not sure how Marcia and Lee are handling this. 

Noreen and I went to the Master National Retriever Club event which was held in Corning. My friend Laura's Marin Retriever Club hosted the Master National this year. They did a good job, for sure. We were really surprised to see just how formal this event was. This is a photo of one of Laura's labs who greeted us. 

Thoughts for a fun day:

Bring a rabbit into your local library and frantically ask the library clerk where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

This year I'm celebrating Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I'm going to invite everyone in my neighborhood to my house for an enormous feast. After that I'll kill them and take their land.

The Russian Pandora Box (because you need to pay attention): 

Obama & Hillary’s total foreign policy has been a complete failure, in every possible way, but in particular the ‘reset button with Russia,’ which has resulted in commercial aircraft being shot down from the sky (use of a military force used against civilians), neighbors being invaded, airspace in Finland, Sweden, Canada, Japan and even Alaska being violated by the Commie Bastards.

                                                         

JUST VOTE REPUBLICAN 

Russia should be kicked off the UN security council! Seriously how can a member nation such as Russia who is supposed to help keep international peace, be allowed to cause so many problems for other countries? Isolate this country. Blacklist them. Putin is  trying to assert himself and his country as a world power.  COMMUNIST RULE around the World (in Russia, Asia, parts of Latin America etc ) has been responsible for the slaughter and enslavement of TENS OF MILLIONS of dissidents since Stalin and Mao and Pol Pot and the other Commie Bastards. Nazism pales by comparison to COMMUNISM. We are dealing with terrorist acts of Soviet Fascism. Plain and simple. War, treachery, and destruction have been the hallmarks of all Russian history.

Hitler, Stalin and Putin
Global Terrorists

The Russian Bear and the Chinese Dragon are encircling our American Eagle

I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take me, but I can. I’m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards. So soon for another blog, you say? Well, I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble and other bad things, so please have bail money ready and keep your phone on at all times. 

I'm writing this blog as I prepare my breakfast. Yes, sometimes I can do two things at once. Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand...... damnit now I'm having scrambled eggs. Oh well. 

Hey, I have never faked a sarcasm in my life. They have always been real. There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate my sarcasm. 2. Morons

First off, let me voice my opinion about something.  The Russian Bear and the Chinese Dragon are encircling our American Eagle. Remember the  cold chill of what we used to call the 'Cold War' ? Well it is thawing and the monsters  are coming out of hibernation. Make no mistake about it. A nuclear bear hug is in the future. It’s not just ISIS and the Caliphate we should worry about, those are just players in this political war theater to distract the world from the real  players — Russia and China. Mark my words. This is some serious crap happening. Don't be blind about what is happening right in front of our own eyes. There’s nothing to fear but fear itself….except for godless commie bastards.  In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of the United States. Obama - get your damn head out of that muslim sand! It is so obvious Obama is actually playing for some other team besides ours. Pay attention people,  just figure out what the worst option is for the American people. That's the one Obama will always select.

Halloween, it's coming:
Remember, Halloween is coming soon. popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. apple sized onion: $1. Priceless. Totally priceless.

I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried. Very worried.

I'm excited. Soon it's time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't nearly as tall as I expected... and he cried like a little kid.

You can tell who works at WalMart if their Halloween pumpkin on their porch has more teeth than the person who lives there.

My advice column:
Don’t ever let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a red flyer wagon because that is actually hella fun.

Truth : if you didn't hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes - Don't invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.

I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation. Which brings to mind - Good thing I’m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.

Life is short, break the rules, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile.

My canine family:
The best part about living alone is that no one is there to witness my bad choices. Well, other than my four dogs.

I’m not antisocial. I  have DirecTv, WiFi, a great neighbor, and 4 dogs.  What more would I need?

The most Awesome thing about all of my dogs is their ability to use their own ass for a pillow.

The only disadvantage of having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity for me to take advantage of the 5 second rule.

Teaching my dog Shep to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from my neighbor Marcia's house is just plain genius. Admit it, it's freak'n genius.

My goals for this week, maybe for a month, who knows: 
To stop being so easily distracted when things are so shiny! I have tried this for years with no success. Hoping it works this time.

To take a box of toothpicks and throw them into the forest and say, 'You're home, and I am so sorry for what they did to you"

To amend my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say to me NOW?

To dream of a better world - where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

My questions, because I always have questions: 
if rabbit's feet are so lucky...what happened to the rabbit? Tell me, seriously.

These 8 and 9 year old's on Facebook are so damn funny. Your relationship is "Complicated"? WTH? Did someone steal your animal crackers or what?

Isn't this a simpler, more believable theory?  That all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together?

Don't you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full? Yeah, I'll bet you $100  that´s how men feel about push-up bras!!

Does anyone else think what I think when I see a dead deer on the road - Looks like Santa lost his temper again? Man, I could have used that on my kids when they were younger!

Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...".  Really? Don't you think if he had said "OH MY GOD, I'M ON THE FREAK'N MOON!"  it would have been much more exciting?

Is there anything in life more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside?

I love finding money in my jeans and jackets. And in the washing machine for that matter. It’s like a gift to me - from me. You can't get better than that, right?

The Truth's, well, MY truths anyway:
The only honest people in the world are small children and ....well, me after a couple cocktails. By the way, life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight…you’re drunk.

My face can hide so much. Fear, pain, sadness, tears. But than again it does always reflect one thing - strength. Sisu. Enjoy life... regret nothing... don't let anyone but you make your decisions, Your life, Your rules.

Yes, of course size matters. Who the hell wants a small pizza? Damn, now I am just confused. Bigger isn't always better. Butts, for example.

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that some people are just terrible people and had it coming. Yep that is true. Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve. Or, in other words: Sorry for calling you a bitch. Thought you already knew…

ALL relationships go through shit. REAL relationships get through shit.

Couples should stop focusing on who wears the pants in the relationship… think about it - relationships work best when neither one is wearing pants. Seriously, what about Donald Duck? He has successfully gone without wearing pants since 1934.  Daisy Duck doesn't ruffle her feathers over that. She probably LOVES that he wears no pants.

I don’t think I meet the height requirement to ride the emotional roller-coaster of life.

I love, and I mean LOVE my special Daddy O's hot chicken wings. If my hands don’t look like I just delivered a baby when I finish eating wings….not enough hot sauce.

Here's my photo of me as a kid. Ok, everyone who reads my blog, this is your mission: Help me find a kid that looks like me. I want to  tell her I’m her from the future.

My neighbor Marcia is always saying I don't eat enough healthy food. In all truthfulness I only eat because keeping food in my mouth is the only way to keep sarcastic comments from coming out. She says I don't drink enough water either. You can drown in water. I don't want to take the chance.
.
I am no cactus expert. I don't even like those ugly plants. But, at my age I certainly  know a prick when I see one. Or in other words: I’m single because I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

If you love something, set it free. Really, just let it go. Maybe not a great white shark though. Or killer bees. Or deadly viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, listen, I'm trying to make a point. The point is don’t love anything.

My Bitches:
People who buy bottled water for their dogs, and people who pay for Starbucks every morning - stop your bitching about the price of gas at the pumps! Prioritize for damn sakes!

I have finally accepted the fact that I’ll never get back to my original weight. It's reality, when you think about it, 7 lbs. 1 oz. is pretty unrealistic. Sad, yet so true.

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I just want to clarify that I’m allowed to raise my baby squirrel however I want.

There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.

Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.

Great Memories:

My Dad used to make sure I was wearing my seat-belt by slamming on the brakes. He was an awesome Dad. Always making life fun for me.

I’m so thankful my childhood was filled with my vivid imagination and  my hella 'constant' bruises from playing outside, instead of  today's kids with their apps and how many likes they get on a picture they posted on Facebook.

I think that life was a lot simpler when I thought boys had cooties, and playing in a mud puddle in bare feet. It was a good day. Speaking of mud - today, 2 year olds can unlock a smartphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating mud. What the hell is the world coming to? Fear the children. FEAR the children!

A few Regrets:
What I should have said to my first  Mother-in-Law:  "Don't ever tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a hell of alot of improvement."

My favorite indoor activity is going outside. I regret that winter is coming and I won't be able to enjoy the outdoors as much.

I regret not going  to Starbucks, ordering  coffee and telling them my name is Waldo and then just walking out the door.

Not everyone is going to appreciate everything you've done for them. You have to figure out who's worth your kindness. Don't waste your time on certain people. Sometimes I should have just  turned around, gave a little smile, threw the match, and burned that bridge. There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind. It's better to burn that bridge  and suffer the consequences than to just stare at that  bridge for the rest of your life. What is done is done and cannot be undone. As Abe Lincoln once said - "I walk slowly, but I never walk backward." The positive side to burning bridges is  never being in the dark. May the bridges I burn light the way.

And my joke for this blog:

Wait for it ~

OBAMA

Oh sorry, you've heard that joke already?

Road Trip'n (aka:Virginia City, Nevada)

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational things to say in my blog are hard. Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not. I was going to write a meaningful new blog, filled with deep, thoughtful sentiments, but screw that. I'm just gonna 'wing it'. 

My friend Noreen and I decided to take a road trip to see my friends Jack and Michele. Before I get to that - THANK YOU Marcia for caring for my "pack" while I was gone!

We hadn't seen one another for a very long time. We used to live a few miles apart when we lived in Sebastopol. In another life. Now they live in Virginia City Nevada, and I live in Northern California - 200 miles apart. Nobody warned me about the road from Reno to Virginia City. Now I know why. I bet the road to hell looks just like the Geiger Grade to Virginia City, Nevada! 

From the bottom to the summit: You don't see the 6000 foot drop-offs? Oh yeah, they are there. 

That road is the ultimate "just when you thought things couldn't get any worse" example.  If time travel were possible, my future self would have shown up to slap some sense into me before getting on that road!  I think I may have learned some new swear words. I think there needs to be a more effective way to type a primal scream! Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. I didn't know it was physically possible to operate a motor vehicle with my head up my own ass. If I would have had a keyboard in my truck I would have pulled over and hit the Escape key repeatedly! (Insert passively aggressive sigh here) People who drive that road are operating on the outskirts of insanity. Yes, that's you Jack! I used to think there's nothing to fear, but fear itself. Well, fear itself and Geiger Grade! Jack and Michele, I want you to imagine that I have a big smile on my face. Also, for the hell of it, picture me on a sofa.  I'll be sending you my therapy bill. I was traumatized, I tell you, traumatized. Someday Noreen and I will look back on all this and laugh - nervously. Not. Instead of going back 'down' this mountain we decided to leave Virginia City and go to Carson City, kind of the opposite direction and a roundabout way of getting home. Whatever, we were in no hurry. We see it as "defying death". 

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up back in California. I think there is a fine line between being the life of the party and being the reason the cops are called.  I'm pretty damn certain that Jack, Michele, Noreen and I had a great time in Virginia City.  As soon as I'm done reading this Sheriff's report from Storey County, I'll let you know. I did figure out how the Irish Jig got started. Too much to drink and not enough restrooms! You know that tightness in your muscles the day after a good workout? Turns out you can get the same feeling just by drinking for two days straight and walking up the Virginia City hills to get back to Jack and Michele's house. Jack and Michele ~ We've been through so much together (and most of it was your fault). Noreen and I's new philosophy is to admit nothing, deny everything and make several counter-accusations. We had a hella great time ~ Thank You for everything (well, with the exception of Geiger Grade). People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life. You are those "people". It's obvious that Skye-Pilot had a great time too! Also, thanks a lot for introducing me to your Finnish friend. I will be sending you something to give to her soon. 

I think Skye carried on more conversations with the locals than any of us.
"WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO"

While we were in downtown Virginia City there was a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled to death. 

Now that I am back home I have one question: Has anyone ever wondered if the dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack? If not, you're wondering now! 

My truth's for the week: (Life Lessons?)

1. I am no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure the only way to alleviate the guilt of eating a peanut butter cup is by eating 15 more.

2. I still wonder why hitchhikers don't find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by.

3. It's true,  if you can fold a fitted sheet, you're obviously a witch. 

4. If I was on Facebook, my “single” as a marital status, would mean “independently owned and operated and doing just fine thank-you”

5. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.

6. Bras are actual booby traps, no doubt about it.

7. If there was a wrong place and a wrong time, I was there.

8. I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in are not really in my best interest.

9. Sometimes you can wake up after a hard night of partying with friends, you step on the scale and you lost 3 pounds. There ya have it.  My dignity weighs 3 pounds.

10. I don't believe Funkytown exists. No matter how nice I have asked all the people that I know, nobody will take me to Funkytown. WTH?

11. Sleep is like sex, you never seem to get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.

12. To the kids of today: The real secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.

13. If one of your friends  says to you - “you look tired”, that is the politically correct way of saying “you look like shit”

14. The very first instruction to assemble any and all IKEA furniture should be open 1 beer, down several aspirin, then use a hammer to destroy the damn IKEA thing. Damn Swedes. 

15. And then my Finnish Wizards said, “It was unfair to have given man an extra limb - so to balance it out we will  give women the power over which to control it.”

My questions for the week:

1. Why do people show me pictures of their kids if they have a dog? Doesn't anybody know me?

2. Maybe if we all email the U.S. Constitution to each other the NSA will read it. It's worth a shot, right? 

3. Finland will sign an agreement with NATO, finally making it easier for NATO to put its troops on Finland's soil?  Putin's Russian aircraft have violated Finnish airspace at least four times this year. This is totally unacceptable. Putin's legacy will be one of isolation and economic suffering for the Russian population due to his imperialistic adventurism. Even if Putin is ever replaced, he will be replaced by yet another dictator. When was the last time Russians had any sort of freedom?  About 1000 years ago, at the time of Kievan Rus? Since then: Czars, Mongolian overlords, more Czars, Communist dictatorship and Poo-Poo Putin. The Russian people don't know of anything different.  There has always been a Psychopath in control of Russia. They can all go to hell as far as I am concerned! Commie Bastards.

Now we all know I always end my blog with a joke. So I will. 

Obama