Here I am, again. Just for the record, I’m surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth. My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it probably won’t ever feel quite right.
Memories:
The Judge: "After reviewing the motions in front of me I have decided to give your ex-wife $500 a month for child support"
My X: "That’s very generous of you your honor. I’ll try and kick in a little myself"
When people ask me what Jack, Michele, and I did during their visit from Virginia City, I'm just gonna squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
Halloween:
I had an awesome idea for decorating my yard for Halloween this year, but the Shasta County morgue said they couldn't release the bodies.
Halloween is definitely by far, the safest day to kill a person you don't like and leave them in a chair on your neighbor's porch.
My thoughts on Christmas:
Normal Fir trees in my forest probably look at Christmas trees all dressed up with their lights and ornaments and think .. "Whore"
If Santa doesn't bring me something good I'm going to pee in his lap like I did when I was four. I will.
So when someone asks you " Where is your Christmas Spirit?" Are you suppose to point out your liquor cabinet?
My note to Santa: Dear Santa I've been good all year! Ok most of the time. I mean once in a while. I was framed. Oh...F*ck it, I'll buy my own sh*t.
I'm gonna put mistletoe in my back pocket so certain people can kiss my a**!
My Questions:
1. Why did they name them “Trojan” condoms? I I am not mistaken, didn’t that Trojan horse burst open and thousands of little guys came out? I would consider this to be really stupid marketing.
2. If a bulldog mated with a shitzu what would the new breed be called? Think about it.
3. It's been a whole five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. Did they go out of business or something? Anybody hear anything?
4. Aren't slugs just snails that have been through a divorce?
5. Aren't we all just a whim away from singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” ??? Yes, a whim away…a whim away…a whim away. (You're welcome - you'll be humming this all day long now)
6. My grand father carried a Pocketwatch. My Dad wore a wristwatch, I wore a digital watch. Then all of these were replaced by cell phones. Which, incidentally, we keep in our pockets. Is this progress or did we just go full circle? Back in time?
My advice for the week:
If you want to find your prince you need to kiss a few frogs NOT sleep with the whole pond.
It's FALL. The season of apples, frost, beautiful turning leaves and roadkill. Animals are migrating, searching for mates or evading hunters. Drive safe, pay attention.
Stay strong and move forward in life; never stopping, never giving up, never take a step back.
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make shit happen.
Only a fool trips on what’s behind him.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
My Complaints for the week:
“100% natural” means nothing to me. Absolutely nothing. Horseshit is 100% natural but I’m not eating that. Not even with chocolate sprinkles or maraschino cherries on top.
Living in the forest: juggling 20 things at once until I get so exhausted physically and mentally that I give up on everything and just watch TV.
I refuse to buy new things on black Friday, especially since it is the very day after we say we’re grateful for what we already have. Just doesn't make any sense to me.
I see the logging trucks go cruising down the road, past my house, stacked with a bunch of those fresh-cut giants, it saddens me. I feel like I lost a brother. Next thing you know, my friends and I are in Pizza Parlor, we're flopping money down on the bar. Wood. We're under a roof. Wood. We're walking the floors. Wood. Grabbing a pool cue. That's wood. Go out and plant a wet one on a tree. Appreciate the fact they had to die in order for us to have what we want.
The Truth's:
I watched my neighbor's cats when they went on vacation. I was really concerned that I never saw one of them during all that time. Well, until the day my neighbors were to return. It scared the hell out of me by jumping out of a stump as I walked up to the porch. I soon realized why it had been missing all that time. It had a makeover. I mean a complete makeover! "Dexter" used to be a male cat. Now....well....a photo is worth a thousand words. Not sure how Marcia and Lee are handling this.
Noreen and I went to the Master National Retriever Club event which was held in Corning. My friend Laura's Marin Retriever Club hosted the Master National this year. They did a good job, for sure. We were really surprised to see just how formal this event was. This is a photo of one of Laura's labs who greeted us.
Thoughts for a fun day:
Bring a rabbit into your local library and frantically ask the library clerk where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
This year I'm celebrating Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I'm going to invite everyone in my neighborhood to my house for an enormous feast. After that I'll kill them and take their land.
The Russian Pandora Box (because you need to pay attention):
Obama & Hillary’s total foreign policy has been a complete failure, in every possible way, but in particular the ‘reset button with Russia,’ which has resulted in commercial aircraft being shot down from the sky (use of a military force used against civilians), neighbors being invaded, airspace in Finland, Sweden, Canada, Japan and even Alaska being violated by the Commie Bastards.
JUST VOTE REPUBLICAN
Russia should be kicked off the UN security council! Seriously how can a member nation such as Russia who is supposed to help keep international peace, be allowed to cause so many problems for other countries? Isolate this country. Blacklist them. Putin is trying to assert himself and his country as a world power. COMMUNIST RULE around the World (in Russia, Asia, parts of Latin America etc ) has been responsible for the slaughter and enslavement of TENS OF MILLIONS of dissidents since Stalin and Mao and Pol Pot and the other Commie Bastards. Nazism pales by comparison to COMMUNISM. We are dealing with terrorist acts of Soviet Fascism. Plain and simple. War, treachery, and destruction have been the hallmarks of all Russian history.
 |
| Hitler, Stalin and Putin Global Terrorists |
