The Russian Bear and the Chinese Dragon are encircling our American Eagle

I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take me, but I can. I’m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards. So soon for another blog, you say? Well, I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble and other bad things, so please have bail money ready and keep your phone on at all times. 

I'm writing this blog as I prepare my breakfast. Yes, sometimes I can do two things at once. Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand...... damnit now I'm having scrambled eggs. Oh well. 

Hey, I have never faked a sarcasm in my life. They have always been real. There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate my sarcasm. 2. Morons

First off, let me voice my opinion about something.  The Russian Bear and the Chinese Dragon are encircling our American Eagle. Remember the  cold chill of what we used to call the 'Cold War' ? Well it is thawing and the monsters  are coming out of hibernation. Make no mistake about it. A nuclear bear hug is in the future. It’s not just ISIS and the Caliphate we should worry about, those are just players in this political war theater to distract the world from the real  players — Russia and China. Mark my words. This is some serious crap happening. Don't be blind about what is happening right in front of our own eyes. There’s nothing to fear but fear itself….except for godless commie bastards.  In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of the United States. Obama - get your damn head out of that muslim sand! It is so obvious Obama is actually playing for some other team besides ours. Pay attention people,  just figure out what the worst option is for the American people. That's the one Obama will always select.

Halloween, it's coming:
Remember, Halloween is coming soon. popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. apple sized onion: $1. Priceless. Totally priceless.

I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried. Very worried.

I'm excited. Soon it's time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't nearly as tall as I expected... and he cried like a little kid.

You can tell who works at WalMart if their Halloween pumpkin on their porch has more teeth than the person who lives there.

My advice column:
Don’t ever let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a red flyer wagon because that is actually hella fun.

Truth : if you didn't hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes - Don't invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.

I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation. Which brings to mind - Good thing I’m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.

Life is short, break the rules, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile.

My canine family:
The best part about living alone is that no one is there to witness my bad choices. Well, other than my four dogs.

I’m not antisocial. I  have DirecTv, WiFi, a great neighbor, and 4 dogs.  What more would I need?

The most Awesome thing about all of my dogs is their ability to use their own ass for a pillow.

The only disadvantage of having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity for me to take advantage of the 5 second rule.

Teaching my dog Shep to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from my neighbor Marcia's house is just plain genius. Admit it, it's freak'n genius.

My goals for this week, maybe for a month, who knows: 
To stop being so easily distracted when things are so shiny! I have tried this for years with no success. Hoping it works this time.

To take a box of toothpicks and throw them into the forest and say, 'You're home, and I am so sorry for what they did to you"

To amend my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say to me NOW?

To dream of a better world - where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

My questions, because I always have questions: 
if rabbit's feet are so lucky...what happened to the rabbit? Tell me, seriously.

These 8 and 9 year old's on Facebook are so damn funny. Your relationship is "Complicated"? WTH? Did someone steal your animal crackers or what?

Isn't this a simpler, more believable theory?  That all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together?

Don't you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full? Yeah, I'll bet you $100  that´s how men feel about push-up bras!!

Does anyone else think what I think when I see a dead deer on the road - Looks like Santa lost his temper again? Man, I could have used that on my kids when they were younger!

Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...".  Really? Don't you think if he had said "OH MY GOD, I'M ON THE FREAK'N MOON!"  it would have been much more exciting?

Is there anything in life more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside?

I love finding money in my jeans and jackets. And in the washing machine for that matter. It’s like a gift to me - from me. You can't get better than that, right?

The Truth's, well, MY truths anyway:
The only honest people in the world are small children and ....well, me after a couple cocktails. By the way, life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight…you’re drunk.

My face can hide so much. Fear, pain, sadness, tears. But than again it does always reflect one thing - strength. Sisu. Enjoy life... regret nothing... don't let anyone but you make your decisions, Your life, Your rules.

Yes, of course size matters. Who the hell wants a small pizza? Damn, now I am just confused. Bigger isn't always better. Butts, for example.

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that some people are just terrible people and had it coming. Yep that is true. Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve. Or, in other words: Sorry for calling you a bitch. Thought you already knew…

ALL relationships go through shit. REAL relationships get through shit.

Couples should stop focusing on who wears the pants in the relationship… think about it - relationships work best when neither one is wearing pants. Seriously, what about Donald Duck? He has successfully gone without wearing pants since 1934.  Daisy Duck doesn't ruffle her feathers over that. She probably LOVES that he wears no pants.

I don’t think I meet the height requirement to ride the emotional roller-coaster of life.

I love, and I mean LOVE my special Daddy O's hot chicken wings. If my hands don’t look like I just delivered a baby when I finish eating wings….not enough hot sauce.

Here's my photo of me as a kid. Ok, everyone who reads my blog, this is your mission: Help me find a kid that looks like me. I want to  tell her I’m her from the future.

My neighbor Marcia is always saying I don't eat enough healthy food. In all truthfulness I only eat because keeping food in my mouth is the only way to keep sarcastic comments from coming out. She says I don't drink enough water either. You can drown in water. I don't want to take the chance.
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I am no cactus expert. I don't even like those ugly plants. But, at my age I certainly  know a prick when I see one. Or in other words: I’m single because I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

If you love something, set it free. Really, just let it go. Maybe not a great white shark though. Or killer bees. Or deadly viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, listen, I'm trying to make a point. The point is don’t love anything.

My Bitches:
People who buy bottled water for their dogs, and people who pay for Starbucks every morning - stop your bitching about the price of gas at the pumps! Prioritize for damn sakes!

I have finally accepted the fact that I’ll never get back to my original weight. It's reality, when you think about it, 7 lbs. 1 oz. is pretty unrealistic. Sad, yet so true.

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I just want to clarify that I’m allowed to raise my baby squirrel however I want.

There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.

Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.

Great Memories:

My Dad used to make sure I was wearing my seat-belt by slamming on the brakes. He was an awesome Dad. Always making life fun for me.

I’m so thankful my childhood was filled with my vivid imagination and  my hella 'constant' bruises from playing outside, instead of  today's kids with their apps and how many likes they get on a picture they posted on Facebook.

I think that life was a lot simpler when I thought boys had cooties, and playing in a mud puddle in bare feet. It was a good day. Speaking of mud - today, 2 year olds can unlock a smartphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating mud. What the hell is the world coming to? Fear the children. FEAR the children!

A few Regrets:
What I should have said to my first  Mother-in-Law:  "Don't ever tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a hell of alot of improvement."

My favorite indoor activity is going outside. I regret that winter is coming and I won't be able to enjoy the outdoors as much.

I regret not going  to Starbucks, ordering  coffee and telling them my name is Waldo and then just walking out the door.

Not everyone is going to appreciate everything you've done for them. You have to figure out who's worth your kindness. Don't waste your time on certain people. Sometimes I should have just  turned around, gave a little smile, threw the match, and burned that bridge. There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind. It's better to burn that bridge  and suffer the consequences than to just stare at that  bridge for the rest of your life. What is done is done and cannot be undone. As Abe Lincoln once said - "I walk slowly, but I never walk backward." The positive side to burning bridges is  never being in the dark. May the bridges I burn light the way.

And my joke for this blog:

Wait for it ~

OBAMA

Oh sorry, you've heard that joke already?