Today’s Mood ? Bitchy With A Chance Of Sarcasm. Typical day for me. When I write this blog I always feel that there is a great need for a sarcasm font. After all sarcasm is my body’s natural defense against stupid. It’s been an exhausting month of pretending I’m a pleasant person and I think I'm emotionally constipated. I just can't seem to give a sh*t, but just to clarify for those who do not understand me... I don't have an attitude, I have a defined sarcastic character. Sarcasm is my first language and swearing is probably my second.
And now it's time to do my blog. You have time to .......run.
The Truth. Yes, 13 truths:
1. Today I Placed my Smith and Wesson .357 revolver on the table right next to my front door. I left six cartridges beside it, then left it alone and went about my business. While I was busy doing stuff, the mailman delivered my mail, a lady walked her dog down the street, and quite a few cars drove down my street. After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was quietly sitting there, right where I had left it. It had not moved itself outside. It had not killed anyone, certainly, even with the numerous opportunities it had presented to do that. In fact, it had not even loaded itself. Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the hype by the Left and the media about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people. Either the media is wrong or I'm in possession of the laziest damn gun in the world.
The United States is 3rd in murders throughout the world. But if you take out just four 'left-wing' cities: Chicago, Detroit, Washington DC and New Orleans -- the United States is 4th from the bottom, in the ENTIRE World, for murders. These four cities are controlled by Democrats. They also have the toughest Gun Control laws in the USA. It would be absurd to draw any conclusions from this data, right? Well, I'm off to check on my spoons now. I hear they 're making people fat.
2. I disappear from sight on full moons just to make people wonder.
3. Some people are like pennies. Two-faced and worthless.
4. Hard times will always reveal TRUE FRIENDS...Friendship is not about who you’ve known the longest. It’s about who has walked into your life, said I’m here for you and proved it. Thank you Noreen and Dave for being there for me when the dog bit me in the face. Don't know what I would have done without you two!
5. I have gotten out of bed 365 days a year for 63 years. That is 22,995 sit-ups. And not ONE decent abdominal muscle to show for it.
6. “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer your doctor is looking for when he asks you if you are sexually active.
7. Don’t ever ask me for childcare advice unless you want pure nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
8. True story: The reason why daughters love their dad the most is that there is at least one man in the world who would never hurt her.
9. I think families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
10. The one thing that I miss about being on Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don’t even have to hide a body.
11. My thoughts on friendships: My trick is to not let anyone know how really weird I am until it’s too late for them to back out.
12. I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a Finlandia distillery first, and then I'm proud to say I'm drinking glacial spring water. Can't wait to try the 2015 new Finlandia flavor which is called Nordic Berries, made out of Lingonberries, cloudberries, and bilberries! Do you hear me Santa? That is on my list! By the way Santa, I don't want a whole lot for Christmas. I would be happy with either a fairy godmother, a genie or a magic wand. I have very valuable information. Names, places.. I'm willing to cut a deal.
13. My Big Sis, Noreen, got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
My complaint:
The mechanic at Lithia Chevrolet said he couldn’t repair my brakes, so he made my horn louder. Then to add insult to injury, he asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I'm pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I'm driving". Geez dude, I may be blond but I ain't stupid.
My two Confessions:
1. I'm still a bit shaken up. I was involved in a violent mugging this afternoon. On the plus side I did make $131 and I think this watch looks really good on me.
2. I’m not crazy. Just imaginative.
No, I'm not kidding:
1. Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democrat Party. They have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance. This photo is of a black bear in Shingletown turned Democrat. He's nicknamed Bearack Obearma. It's believed that he has become a campground organizer at Lake Nora and Lake Grace.
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| BEARACK OBEARMA |
Obviously, his sons, young Republicans, are very embarrassed about this!
3. Ultimately, I hope that wherever my missing socks go, they’re happy.
4, Don't be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
5. Someone invited me to their cat's birthday party next Saturday. Seriously? I am NOT going to that cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is getting married that weekend!
6. I am not a religious person but if I was ever to be baptized, I think it would be funny If I put Alka-Seltzer in my mouth and pretended to be possessed by the devil. Yes, I know, I am going to Hell.
7. A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for a local swimming pool. Really? A swimming pool in Shingletown? Hell yes, I gave him a donation. I gave him a glass of water.
My questions:
I don't get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn't it already cracked to begin with?
Wouldn’t it be nice if the world was flat? That way we could just push off the people we don’t like.
Something I will never understand: Why is it acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out?
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot, right?
Memories of a time long ago:
When I was 7 years old I ran away from home with the family dog Shep. I found reward posters ONLY looking for the dog. Very sad indeed.
If I ever go missing again, I would like my photo put on Finlandia vodka bottles instead of milk cartons. This way my friends and family will know to look for me.
Just thoughts:
1. If I had an identical twin, we would move to opposite ends of the country and tell none of our new friends that we had a twin. Then when one of us dies, the other would attend the funeral and whisper “it’s your fault” to random people, then leave. Damn, I wish I had a twin. That would be hilarious!
2. I would like to thank all the humans who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
3. Last 4 letters of American - I CAN, last 4 letters of Republican - I CAN, last 4 letters of Democrats - Rats
4. If you’re an astronaut, and you don’t end a relationship with “Look, I just need space..” then you're just wasting every one's time.
Seriously? :
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dogs aren't doing their part of the chores around here.
I’m looking up at the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data.
No, I will never shut up about the chemtrails:
Have you all stopped, and actually looked up at the sky lately? Skies should be blue and clouds should be white. Anyone taken notice of the strips of obvious man made patterns that criss cross, streak, or have been dispersed in bursts, leaving that hazy cloud cover so much so that only a conformist, a simpleton, or a liar would dare say "that's normal"? How about at the ground that most of us walk on obliviously each and every morning, afternoon, and night? Noticed anything unusual lately? Like, the silence in our forest? Creatures in their daily comings and goings in their city of trees. Seem to suddenly disappear. Noticed one side of the trees are without bark? Burned away by the suns radiation? The buzz of the bees is not so much anymore either and the shrubs, bushy and green yesterday, grey dry sticks of death today. My goal is to awaken and unify all different types of people - about this geoengineering. With the hope that people start speaking out, creating enough noise and applying pressure to the right places, or at least resistance to some of the injustice being forced down our throats everyday, and never mentioned on the evening news.
All you have to do is look up to know that something just ain't right. As I have said before- those are not regular contrails coming out of those planes! Contrails do not fan out across the sky and cause it to be cloudy. People do not get sick from contrails. The planes spraying this poison on us are not on the list of flights that fly in the United States on a daily basis. Google chemtrails, and educate yourself. We all should be worried about this! Yeah, yeah, I'm a dog with a bone about this geoengineering shit, right? You should all know, I speak my mind, because it hurts too damn much to bite my tongue.
At my local bar:
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, never mind, I found my drink.
You say mystery bruises, I say drinking badge of honor.
My relationship with vodka has been on the rocks lately.
Is it half empty? Is it half full? Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable? So, my advice to you is to not look at your drink as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next one.
Things I trust more than Hillary Clinton:
Mexican tap water
A rattlesnake with a "pet me" sign
OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection
Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby
Michael Jackson's Doctor
An Obama Nuclear deal with Iran
A Palestinian on a motorcycle
Brian Williams news reports
Playing Russian Roulette with a semi-auto pistol
A condom made in China
And finally -
Bill Clinton at a Girl Scout convention
Merry Christmas everyone!
I am looking forward to putting my Christmas tree up and I don't need an angel on the top because my dad is already there looking down on me!
