My Thursday so far:
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 5 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting. But here goes.
We all know that Barbie is a plastic doll, about 11 1/2 inches in height, manufactured by Mattel since 1959. I was seven years old when I got my first Barbie. Now that I think about it - it was my only Barbie. I was more of a mud puddle splashing, play in the mud and dirt tomboy. My original Barbie was a rather well endowed female with a supermodel body that would have fallen over if she had been an actual person. It is a scientifically and medically known fact that anyone with breasts that huge and a waist that small would topple over as soon as they stood up. This doll has had many careers. Barbie is known to have been an astronaut, a lawyer, veterinarian, model, and even a mom. As a child I thought Barbie could be very scary at times because she did not blink and she could stare at you no matter where you were. She could also smile 24/7 even when you turned her head 360 degrees, as I often did. Barbie has also had over 40 pets, including cats; dogs; horses; a panda; a lion cub; and a zebra. If I had my mint boxed Barbie from 1959 it would probably sell for $4.000. But I don't have it. I probably left it in some mud puddle. I came across these Barbie's at a garage sale and I am now offering them for sale.
Obviously this entire blog was created for my friend, Jenny, who I
went to school with. She's a avid doll collector and I wanted to
provide her with a little doll 'humor'.
South Beach Barbie
This princess Barbie comes with an assortment of Gucci Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey Pie who begrudgingly and reluctantly allows "its person" Barbie to dress her in embarrassing sweaters, costumes, footwear, and other ridiculous dog apparel. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Also available is her bathroom scale permanently set at 110 lbs. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with this “augmented” version.
Soccer Mom Barbie
This is middle-aged upper middle class Barbie. Drives an SUV/Minivan and thinks the world revolves around her 'perfect-angel' children. She lives in the suburbs and devotes her entire life to her children because she has no full time occupation or even a secondary education. She carpools, drives them to soccer and little league, volunteers at their school, does snack days, and play dates. She drives her Ford Wind-star Minivan with her fancy coffee and smartphone. She has no real purpose in life other than to be the trophy wife of Ken who hardly spends time with his kids. She lives the good life only because Ken is the success. She gets lost easily. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
Shasta County Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a Beretta 9mm handgun, a switchblade knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then I don’t know what you are talking about.
Marin County Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW (Basic Marin Wheels) convertible or Hummer h3. Included are her own personalized Starbucks cup, $100,000 limit credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You probably won’t be able to afford any of them but I will consider all offers.
Shingletown Barbie
This Barbie comes from a small town in northern California, where the main exports are arts, crafts and weed. You can usually pick up a farmers daughter for a six pack of Budweiser in this fine town. This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans, a cameo shirt and Yosemite Sam tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six pack of Coor's Light and a Hank Williams, Sr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick Ken’s butt when she’s drunk. Purchase her Chevy pickup truck separately and get an original "John Wayne for President" bumper sticker absolutely free.
Aspen Barbie
This Barbie was born in Aspen. The prettiest little ski town in North America. The town where both the rich and poor come to ski in the day and drink in the night. This collagen injected, rhino-plastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the Lodge. She doesn't even know how to ski, she just hangs out in the Lodge. Optional Percocet prescription available. Aspen Barbie bar tables optional (the little plastic things found in a pizza box that keep the box from collapsing and smashing the pizza. These are a perfect size to use as a Barbie doll accessory as an end or bar table).
Sonoma County Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased drunk Ken out of Marin County Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low rise acid washed jeans, fake finger nails, and a see through halter top. Also available with a mobile home and 8-track tape player.
San Francisco Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long uncombed straight dark hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstock's with white socks. She really prefers that you call her “Willow”. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two San Francisco Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
Whidbey Island Barbie
Whidbey Island Barbie was popular. She was well known in Central Whidbey especially Coupeville and Greenbank. (Whidbey refers to the largest island off the coast of the continental United States. It's located off of Washington in the Pacific Northwest) She’s basically Issaquah Barbie, but with all the accessories of South Beach Barbie, plus a whale fishing boat and whale fishing pole. Whidbey Island Barbie is just bored with the island life, saying there isn't much of anything to do. Overall life on Whidbey is pretty dull. Its over run with tourists in the summer who are too excited about riding the ferry boat and seeing sea gulls everywhere. Also available are her whale watching binoculars. As for Whidbey Island Ken, his accessories include a teeny tiny little Ph.D. diploma in entomology, which enables him to double as a professional fly-fishing-consultant action figure ( graphite fly rod and miniature accessories licensed from Orvis sold separately).
South Side Chicago Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his ’79 Caddy were available, but both are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
Finland Barbie
She’s perfect in every way. I don’t know who Ken is because he’s always hunting, skiing, playing ice hockey or Pesäpallo. Finland Barbie and Finland Ken won the wife carrying race in 2012. They are planning on participating in WIFE CARRYING WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS in Sonkajarvi July 5th-6th, 2013.
Mexicali-Baja Barbie
This Spanish speaking only Barbie comes with a 1985 Toyota with expired temporary plates and two baby Barbies and two baby Ken's in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a Meat Packers uniform and is missing three fingers on his right hand. Sorry, Green Cards are not available for this Barbie or Ken.
Grand Canyon Barbie
This Barbie is the only Native American Barbie. She sits in a booth and sells Native American Art for large sums of money to tourists.
Wyoming Cowgirl Barbie
This Barbie comes with various bruises and several restraining orders. Front teeth missing, but optional denture is available as well as her broken down barrel horse and whiskey shot glass collection.
Maibu Barbie
Malibu Barbie had an affair with GI Joe, and in an attempt to win her back, Ken was instrumental in having Mattel shrink GI Joe to half his former size. Humiliated, Joe signed up for a long military stint overseas while Barbie tried to drive her pink Corvette off of a cliff in Malibu. She survived, and only after extensive plastic surgery was she able to continue her multiple careers, including a guest spot on the TV show Nip Tuck. After years of therapy she was finally able to forgive Ken. But she did it for herself, not for Ken. While forced to be together in certain social situations, their relationship remains strained. Crashed dream car and love letters written by GI Joe optional.
Issaquah Barbie
This Barbie comes with her own ATV and horse and lives in Issaquah, a suburb 15 miles east of Seattle on Interstate 90. Available with SUV, complete with Kayak on the roof and 2 dogs in the back. Optional Ken doll also comes with his own ATV and dog. Issaquah Barbie is never really happy. She always complains about being issapointed that there issanothingtodo and that her and Ken issarely go anywhere.
As usual, ending this blog on my usual joke................
BARACK OBAMA
