Road Trip'n

Well, here I am blogging from my underground command post. Deep in the bowels of a mountain. Somewhere under the dirt, rock and darkness of a nondescript cave, known as home.

Just returned from a road trip. I think I‘ve been in the snow tooooo long, and quite frankly getting a little tired of it. I found myself thinking about the ocean. I think the best thing about living at the ocean would be that you would only have jerks on three sides of you. Ya just can't beat that. But on the way to the ocean I got side-tracked, so to speak.

Left California and went to Oregon.
Planned on stopping and seeing Doug and Vickie but some of those signs I saw on I-5 as soon as I crossed the California-Oregon border had me a little concerned since I’m driving a truck with California plates. In Ashland, it was It's OR-EE-GUN, you stupid Californians and in Medford it was Oregon: Separating Washington and California for over 150 Years. In Eugene it was Oregon is as Pretty as California, but not as Screwed-up. In Salem it was Don’t Cali -fornicate Oregon,

and last but not least, in Portland it was Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner. Crossed the Columbia river into Vancouver, Washington.

You know - the other Vancouver. Finally ! A nice sign. Entering Washington.

Stopped to visit Savana in Tacoma but she wasn't home.
In Seattle. Already thinking about my Seattle Starbucks coffee. Ok, one hand on my Starbucks latte, one knee on wheel, cradling my cell phone, foot on brake, mind on Mariner’s game, trying to outrun the raindrops. Thinking I really should have bought new windshield wipers. Truck is getting a decent wash though. The abundance of slugs makes the highways pretty slippery. Just passed a pedestrian. I guess it’s true - they do wear socks with sandals. I should  head over to Port Ludlow and visit my cousin Aldeen. The ferry lines are too long. (Don't listen to anyone if you hear about me in the State of Washington Aldeen, it was a doppelganger, really, it was!)  Heading to Bellingham and then onward north to Canada.
Now in Vancouver. British Columbia not Washington State. Still raining.

Driving like a Canuk now. Canadian beer in one hand, British Columbia Weed in the other. . Hockey sticks hanging out the rear window.
Just drove the Al-Can highway. Now in Anchorage, Alaska. One gloved hand on wheel, one hand on heater, feet up underneath my butt to keep warm, neither foot on accelerator or brakes because with all the ice on the roads, we’re all moving at the same speed either way. Waaay too cold up here.

Have to head back down to Washington, then head east into Idaho. Feeling a craving for a Idaho spud - twice baked.

In Idaho now.

Trying to appear to be a Idahoan. I am driving my Four-wheel drive Chevy truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to the antenna. That was a quick trip.
Just crossed over the Montana State line.

Land of the Big Sky, and the Unabomber. Haven’t been in Montana since the early 1970’s. Hasn’t changed much. Got one finger on the steering wheel of my 4x4 Chevy truck, Charlie Daniels blaring from the speakers, dead coyote in back, my saddle thrown over a hay bale, hay leaves blowing out of the truck bed while going down the highway. Fitting right in. Might as well drop down to Wyoming since I’m this close.
Not sure I am going to stop in Wyoming. Wynot? Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared? Keep driving.

Maybe I should head towards Utah or Nevada. What to do, what to do? That would seem like back-tracking. I’m already seeing signs for Nevada. Whores and Poker! Neither one appeal to me.
Nah, I’ll just head towards South Dakota so I can get to Minnesota. Lots of Finns in Minnesota.

Just crossed into Minnesota. Seeing lots of freeway signs that say: Home of the Blonde Hair and Blue Ears. I think a more appropriate sign would be 4 seasons: Almost winter, Winter, Still Winter and Always Winter.
Now I have to go through Iowa to get to Missouri. Have a friend in Missouri I wish to visit, but first I have to get through Iowa. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror...just saw a highway sign that said We Do Amazing Things With Corn ~ just don't ask. In Missouri, I’m now seeing freeway signs that say Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work. It’s raining like Washington State. Should I be concerned? Now seeing Show Me State.

Yeah, umm....you show me yours and I'll show you my rifle.
Nice visit with Valrie, but now it’s time to head on to Massachusetts to visit my Finnish cousin Wilho.
Valrie has decided she wants to join me on this road trip. We have to travel through a lot of states to get to Florida !
The freeway signs in Illinois read: Gateway to Iowa and Please Don't Pronounce the "S". I’m driving with one hand on wheel, one hand on horn.
Not sure if I understand these signs in Indiana though - 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free. My favorite freeway signs so far? The ones in Ohio. Don't Judge Us by the Cleveland Indians and At Least We're Not Michigan. Now in Pennsylvania we’re not seeing many cars. Most of the drivers in this state have one hand on the reins, and one hand on the whip. A lot of horse s*it on the roads.

Yet they have highway signs that say Cook With Coal. Feeling kind of excited about driving into New York. I’ve always wanted to see the Statue of Liberty. The first thing my grandparents saw when they came to America. Just got into New York. Valrie told me that I should be driving like a native New Yorker ~ so now I’m driving with one hand on the wheel and one finger out the window. She must be right, because nobody is objecting to this form of driving etiquette.

Now we just entered Massachusetts. Just drove by a sign that read Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets), with a smaller sign right below it - Now with 30% Fewer Kennedy’s. Driving in Boston with one hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator, just like the native folks. Nice visit with my cousin Wilho. Love his Massachusetts accent and his Finnish humor.
Valrie suggested we head on down to Texas. Hey, no problem. First we have to stop and see my other Finnish cousin in Florida. Have to cover a lot of states in order to get to Florida. The signs in North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable. Valrie is cracking up at the signs in South Carolina. Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender and Hook up for Free at One of Our Lovely Trailer Parks.
Finally, we are in Florida. Before we visit my cousin, we decide to stop for lunch. Sitting on the truck’s tailgate we were watching drivers entering the freeway. Two hands gripping the wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on, bumper stickers that says: My Grandchildren are cuter than yours. Valrie just noticed we’re parked under a sign that reads: Go Away and Leave Us Alone we're busy enjoying our 82 degree winter.After visiting with Alan we were on our way to Texas.
Once in Texas we were wearing our cowboy hats and s*it-kickers, and I let Valrie drive. One hand on wheel, one hand on the hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window. Stopped for gas and an attendant said “Si' Hablo Ing'les.” We were a little confused at first. Thought maybe we made a wrong turn.
From Texas, we went to New Mexico. The freeway signs were awesome! Signs everywhere saying Cleaner than Old Mexico and Less Bodies in the Sandbox.
From New Mexico we crossed into Arizona.

Not much to say but ....It’s a Dry Heat. No doubt about that.
Back into California. Decide to slip into Mexico. The real Mexico. We're close, we can tell by this sign:

Valrie is driving. We’re smart enough to not drive my own truck in Mexico.

We’re driving a rental car in Mexico. She’s got one hand on the wheel, one hand on a gun resting between her legs, we’re both wearing bullet poof vest’s. We’re hearing chunks of rust falling off the vehicle, by the pound. All we wanted to do was have some tequila with the worm in it.

Accomplished that and off we went - back into California. I keep wondering - why hasn’t anyone even thought to look in San Diego for Carmen Sandiego? Think about it, it’s a little too obvious. Which means it’s perfect. And what about Waldo? I'm more inclined to think that Waldo is hiding because he's behind on his child support payments.
In Southern California, Valrie is still driving. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, holding her cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lap. A true California driver. We drive by a Honda dealership sign that says Our Honda’s have less plastic than our women . In Los Angeles, we notice that the other drivers have one hand on a laptop computer, one hand at on-board navigation/Internet console installed in the dash board, cell phones attached to their heads with a microphone earpiece, probably having a executive meeting with half a dozen people on their speaker phone, palm pilot wedged between their knees to observe up to date stock quotes, and their shoes kicked off, and feet crossed because traffic hasn't moved in the past hour.
Just drove by a medical center that had a sign on the door that read: Sorry, no Medical Marijuana for non-residents. Don’t ask. And yet another sign on Interstate 5 says If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It. 
Valrie, for a Missouri woman is doing a good job of driving in California., at least she isn’t aiming for pedestrians who have the mistaken notion that crosswalks are for them like most Californian’s do.
All in all - a nice little ‘get-away’. Now that we are back home at my place, I need to tell Valrie that I don’t have an airport near me........that we passed the only airport about 3 hours ago. Not sure just how this Missouri woman is going to get home ~ I’m a little tired of driving. Understandable, right?
　
　
Oh, before I forget - things my parents taught me:

My Father taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If it was anything to worry about you would have bled to death by now”

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
“You’re moving out when you turn 18, right?”

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Father taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite from my Mother -  JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Thanks Mom, they did ! I wasn't a bad kid - you just didn't understand me.