I have been very busy. I have moved from my cave - to a much better place. It was beginning to be too dark and I really missed my fresh air. The final straw was when my cave privacy had been invaded. I caught this person scaling my cave walls.
I have also purchased a little get away cottage also.
My Truth's:
I was told that I over-analyze things. I need a couple of days to think about that before deciding if I should be offended.
Really? Seriously I just want to enlighten Dog Walkers. Technically, those dogs can walk on their own. What they can’t do is pick up their own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
When I see my dog watching out the window, fascinated by something, I sit beside her and say, "Look, Simba, I mean Kesä, everything the light touches is our kingdom."
Politeness has become so rare nowadays that some people mistake it for flirtation. Just the other day I went to shake someone's hand and he offered me his left hand. I knew he was right-handed, so I asked him why. His explanation? "If it's a woman, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away." I walked away.
I never complain about the cost of Starbucks. Starbucks isn’t really that expensive when you consider what Victoria Secret charges per cup.
One day, I’m gonna make the onions cry. I don't know how, but I will. It is my promise to myself.
I know I should be concerned about the United States NSA phone tapping thing, but personally myself it’s just so nice to know that someone’s been listening to me. I mean - seriously. Now I am thinking that when the Verizon guy says “Can you hear me now?” the NSA is quietly answering “Yes we can.”
Starting tomorrow- whatever life throws at me- I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
What I find annoying:
“Who’s that?” “What are they doing?” “What’s happening?” (Shut the hell up and watch the movie)
A ghost could be standing right behind me right now and I would never know.
Facebook. Seriously, it is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in. Didn't your parents teach you to NOT write on Walls? Mine did. I used to get in trouble for writing on walls.
Millionaires! They are so stupid. If they don’t have a bookshelf that spins into a hidden room, trampoline floors and a giant slide that goes from their bed to an olympic sized indoor pool they should give me their money because they obviously don't know what to do with it. And by the way - If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed his name to Cha Ching then I don’t see the point of money.
If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you. Possibly two.
I don't trust hikers or joggers. They're the ones that always find dead bodies out in the woods. I'm no detective. I'm just sayin'. Just seems suspicious to me. Be leary of people with running shoes or backpacks.
I think a baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds a person will ever hear. Unless it’s 4am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby. (Hmmmm....go back to number 2 of this list of "what I find annoying" - Coincidence or what?
I am going to bed before midnight. Who am I and what have I done with me?
My questions:
Cartoon pictures of the sun always depict it wearing sunglasses. What exactly is the sun protecting its eyes from? Does it apply sunscreen also?
Wrestling is so obviously fake. Why would two men fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants to begin with?
Seriously, how many times do I have to say “excuse me” before “get the hell out of my way” becomes acceptable?
Not knowing the truth of this matter: What if birds singing when they are flying is really them just screaming because they are afraid of heights? What if??????
Is the divorce rate high among my socks? Do I own serial killer socks? Are they out seeking "sole" mates? Why are so many missing? I may have to contact the "Department of Missing Socks", their motto is "No sock left behind"
My solutions:
Throw lamps at people that need to lighten up. I go through a lot of lamps.
Eat tacos over another tortilla, so when stuff falls out - YAY - extra taco. No work involved.
Dear "Wanna be Gangsta", If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster. Really, that didn't occur to you?
If I were the President of the United States the first thing on my agenda would be to put Kansas City where it belongs - in Kansas. Why is it in Missouri? Is there a Missouri City in Kansas? No.
Confessions:
I love the night sky more than anything else in this world, its really the only place where chaos is so peaceful. I don't mind chaos. I just hate drama.
I’ll call my phone a “smart phone” the day I panic and yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and my Samsung answers, “I’m here! Over here! On the table!” Otherwise it is simply a cell phone.
Sometimes I find myself making the decision between being a good person or being a sarcastic bitch. I'm talented in both areas. But then again I am a Gemini - the twins.
I die a little when I see an old person sitting alone in a restaurant. It really saddens me.
I don't have a Facebook account, so I just carry around a police bull horn to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers - but I think 2 of them are cops, possibly even CIA because I won't shut my mouth about my displeasure (that's a kind word by the way) with Obama.
People who first meet me think I’m quiet. But people who have known me for a long time wish I was. I may appear quiet at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy adventures.
Memories:
Never judge a book by its contents. In High School my High School yearbooks had pictures of students enjoying themselves on it. I did not enjoy myself at all. I think they brought in actors for those photos.
My parents used to think some of my friends were bad influences but honestly, I was usually the one coming up with the ideas. Some of those bad decisions were ultimately made using the same exact piece of resounding logic “Ah, screw it” that I use today. “Screw it” – seriously, it is my final thought before making most decisions.
Just for fun:
Go to a car dealership and ask the car salesman to lay in the trunk so you can "see how many bodies you can fit in that trunk"
Replace the can of air freshener in your office bathroom with an air horn. And wait...
Take your DirecTV remote outside, change the neighbor's channel to purchase porn, and watch them scramble to stop it (sorry Marcia, couldn't help myself).
If I live to be 100, I am going to make up a really fake reason to explain my longevity just to mess with people's heads. Something like "I faithfully ate a pine cone each and every day. A Ponderosa pine cone. It has to be a Ponderosa pine cone."
My Eternal Thanks:
I would like to give a big shout-out to Mother Nature for not giving wings to snakes.
Oranges that come pre-sliced by nature. Thank you Mother Nature. How cool and convenient is that?
I’m so very thankful we don’t have to hunt for our own food anymore. I don’t even know where sandwiches live.
No you cannot subscribe to my blog via RSS. You can follow me on Twitter, but I'm rarely there. Or you can just check back often. Or do nothing. I love you no matter what. Thanks for being loyal readers! Now I am off to the gym to do shoulder shrugs and diddly squats.
No, I did not forget to end my blog on Obama. Instead of playing the same political games I suggest Obama plays Battleship or Monopoly instead. I mean - get a damn clue Mr. President. I want an avowed atheist in the White House. When time comes to push that button, I want whoever's making the decision to understand that once it's pushed, it's over. Finito. Gone. Can't take it back. And to know they're not gonna have lunch with Jesus. There won't be deflowering 100 virgins on the great shag carpet of eternity, or reincarnation as a cow. I want that someone making that decision who believes life on this Earth isn't just a dress rehearsal for something better, but that it is the only shot we get. I will even provide Obama with the game so he can practice and learn from his mistakes - beforehand.
Do not fear, the America I loved still exists. Not in the White House. Not in the Supreme Court. Not in the Senate or the House of Representatives. Certainly not in the media. The America I love still exists - in my heart. I am deeply worried though. And I am disappointed. It was the moral duty of every United States voter to guarantee that Barack Hussein Obama was a one-term president.The people of America failed. Failed themselves. Sorry if I offend anyone with my Obama bashing. I will never stop.
I will end my blog with this question -
Am I or am I not on a government watch list? Hell, I don't care. If I can't use my free speech to criticize my own government, then what the hell is the point of having it?
As Plato said - "Only the dead have seen the end of war."
