Just another January

DISCLOSURE: 

I HEREBY GIVE MY PERMISSION to the the President of the United States, the Police, the NSA, the FBI and CIA, the Swiss Guards, the Priory of Scion, the inhabitants of Middle Earth, Agents Mulder and Scully, All the Storm Troopers and Darth Vader, the Mad Hatter, Chuck Norris, The Avengers, The Men in Black, X-Men, Ghost Busters, The Justice League, Gandalf and Dumbledore, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and all the members of Van Halen, Dr.Who, James Garner, Angela Landsbury, the WWF, EPA , He-man, Cheech and Chong,  Batman, and even Magnum P.I. and Poo-Poo Putin to view all the amazing and interesting things that I publish on this blog. I’m aware that my privacy ended the very day that I started this blog. 

My January Advice:

You’ll end up real disappointed if you think people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.

Don’t reach for the stars. They are extremely hot and will incinerate you.

If you make your door bell a recording of a shotgun being racked you won't get so many people at your door.

Never forget that at the end of the game, the king and the pawn go back in the same box to sleep side by side.

My January Questions:

Wouldn't it be so cool if you could see Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies?

I wonder if my dogs always follow me into the bathroom because I always follow them outside when they have to potty and they just think that’s how it works?

Isn't it  season 7 of Sons of Anarchy? Yet,  seriously I  have not  seen any of them, and I mean ANY of them ever stop to put gas in their Harleys!

Ok, so why do medications always have side effects? You know, for example  like ‘anal leakage’ or ‘suicidal thoughts’? Why not ‘invisibility’ or ‘spontaneous orgasms’?

Hello Finland,  where can I find a Finnish sauna and enjoy delicious Finnish food, havarti cheese, rye breads, with a good strong cup of coffee? All at once?

My January Truth's: 

"I love you unconditionally*" - God
(*certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details)

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my Collie again.

IKEA's cost cutting plan for the year 2015 includes sending a whole tree to your house, complete with nails, hammer and a saw so that you can just build your own shit.

Women can say “what a dick” as an insult or a compliment for men. It's true!

I would rather have a life full of scars than one full of fear. I have three very obvious scars and trust me they were worth it.

I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, Mr. UPS man!

Sometimes my Finnish Wizards take me through troubled waters, not to drown me but to cleanse me.

I have come to the realization that my real friends don’t get offended when I insult them. They smile and call me something even more offensive. Hell, that's true friendship.

The best stories that I have ever told always end with the words "and then I got the hell out of there.”

The difference between people who hunt is that hunting is a hell of a lot easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants. Poor plants don't even stand a chance. If you step on a twig and it makes noise, well, off the deer goes, but the plant just sits there. Really unfair. To the plant.

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight…you’re drunk. True fact.

It’s true, alcohol kills people. But just think about it - how many people were born because of it?

My friend Scuba, real name non-disclosed of course, got so high the other night that we all searched for him for over 30 minutes while he HELPED us look.

My January Complaint's:

I was told by Bank of America that I had a transaction charge outside of the United States. Seriously? I rarely leave the freaking mountain I live on, let alone fly somewhere on a plane outside of the United States.  SpiceJet Unlimited? In India? Oh HELL NO, that was not a transaction that I made. Who the hell names their airline SpiceJet anyway? After researching them I found this: "When gullible passengers book tickets, they cancel flights at the last moment, then they promise to reimburse full fare within 30 days while they enjoy the interest on the fare amount and end up paying their clients 50% of their fare costs. If you wish to be taken for a ride, this is the flight for you".  Might want to update that to add that they somehow steal your BofA credit card and rack up $400 worth of non-existant flight charges.

Which brings to mind, does anyone else think that buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself?

I have to learn to lock my drive gate more often. The Sheriff's Department knocked on my door at 11 pm and asked me where I was between 5 and 6. What the hell kind of a question is that? Being the honest person that I am -  I told them kindergarten.

2014, I am not sorry to see you leave:

Thanks, 2014, you were really crappy. Let's look back on what a great year it wasn't.  Ray Rice beat his wife, but nobody really cared until they saw a video of Ray Rice beating his wife. We narrowly escaped Ebola. Or did we?  (More than six thousand people have died from Ebola) The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) entered the picture,  the breakdown in relations between Russia and the west got worse,  America returned to war in the Middle East, Scotland didn't vote for independence,  Bill Cosby and that guy from Seventh Heaven ruined childhoods.  While the majority of  other businesses mysteriously caught fire, screen printed T-shirt sales were a ten year high in Ferguson, Missouri. The disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 is still a mystery, and one can always count on the Putin Russian propaganda division blaming the USA to constantly play their divide and conquer little mind game in Europe. 

The Holidays are over:

The only thing I wanted this holiday season was for someone to wake me when it was over. I’ve come to terms with the fact that it never “feels like Christmas” anymore because I’ll never be as happy as I was when I was a child. True fact. Christmas to me nowadays is just the time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning! Or rum. Or Kahlua, or anything alcoholic for that matter. Worst Christmas ever. You can assume that, for the next year, there will be Baileys in every cup of coffee I drink. If 2014 was a person, I’d sue it for pain and suffering! If I learned anything in 2014, it is that 2014 taught me that you outgrow people and it’s okay.

My goals for 2015:

To ONLY surround myself with supportive, positive and honest truthful people - that only add smiles and happiness to my life.

To not miss the August  Perseid meteor shower which peaks the night of Aug. 12 and continues into the early morning of Aug. 13. No moon means this will be one of the best meteor showers in the Northern Hemispere. The best in a couple of years actually since in past years the moon was out playing havoc with my meteors. 60 to 100 of them per hour! You can't get any better than that! Well actually you can - 2015's best meteor shower comes in December, the Geminids, on the night/morning of Dec. 13/14.  That one will have up to 120 meteors per hour (at the peak)with just a little crescent moon which is tolerable light for a meteor shower. Last December I was out watching the Geminids, all bundled up in ski clothes, blankets, gloves, fell asleep out there and ended up with pneumonia. Love meteor showers but dang it, getting pneumonia doesn't make it worthwhile, does it?

My other goal in 2015 is to accomplish the goals of 2014 which I should have done in 2013 because I made a promise in 2012 and planned it in 2011.

My Final Thoughts:

Good Luck Seattle Seahawks! It would be awesome to see a powerful team like Seattle going for a second title!

Communist Russian Pig Putin :  His politics,  His low IQ, His ego fueled by vodka.What could go wrong? Putin wants the Arctic now. The Arctic circle is a wealth of natural resources.  Five countries have staked claim to it.  Russia, Canada, USA, Norway and Denmark. 5 countries want to carve up this North Pole like a freak'n Christmas turkey?  Maybe Putin is thinking of setting up emergency bunker shelters in that area? The lower Arctic regions  would escape a lot of fallout from a Nuclear exchange wouldn't they?  Just say'n. 

And my final question: Does anyone else wonder about this? When your dog sees a police dog does he think to himself "Oh shit, it's the cops!" ???????