It's been awhile -

Just my Confessions:

Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.

I will never outgrow Darigold chocolate milk. It's so hard to come by here in California. Come on Darigold, open up a plant here will ya?

I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long.

As a woman - taking your bra off at the end of a long day is quite possibly one of best feelings ever.

I will respect any religion you practice as long as you never knock on my door to tell me about it.

My Complaints: 

Sometimes life can be so depressing - I sincerely thought  we’d have some futuristic Jetsons shit by now.

Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. Our government did shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.

If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some people, I am sure still want to share your meltdown with their friends. “Please, tell me more about the drama in your life via Facebook.”  said Nobody - ever.

Miley Cyrus was on the Disney Channel and had her clothes on when Bush was President. Thanks, Obama.

My Solutions:

Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the shit out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes, then go about your business as usual. 

Having trouble sleeping? Only kids count sheep to fall asleep. Count your debts, your mistakes, your heartaches and then cry yourself to sleep like a grownup!!!

If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die because I wouldn’t want to be me when that happens. I know I've said this before but I'm going to say it again - I really hope that my last words in this world are: “I wonder what this does…”

You do not have to attend every argument you are invited to.

My Questions:

If those Amazon drones can really get to your house in 30 minutes then don't you think condoms are about to become their #1 selling item? But wait - won't it be a really awkward moment when your Amazon delivery drone just hovers there, waiting for a tip?

Does anyone else feel that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows? Verbatim.

I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since the world ended in 2012. I don't see any changes, do you? Seriously, it's like the world never ended. 

That's it, a shorter than short blog. Prepare yourself for the next one (especially YOU-Finnish cousin in Florida) it's gonna be a long one. Specifically about growing up in a small town. Run now. Run, I tell ya!

For now I decided that I no longer want to be an adult…if you need me, I’ll be in my tree fort. 

Summer needs to SLOW the HELL down!

Some days I’m ready for hoodie weather! The weather is changing up too fast. The squirrels are throwing pine cones at me.

This will be my shortest blog ever. Hey! Stop applauding, I'm very sensitive. At even one penny, this blog would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it. But this blog is my "green edition" as it was written using 100% recycled words.


My update:

I am still  losing socks in the laundry but I am  finding change. So logically speaking there has to be a sock fairy right? I already have 31 Finnish wizards living in the house, I really don't want any fairies setting up residence.

I am probably still on a government watch list. But I’m not worried, because government "watchers"  only work 13 minutes out of every hour. If that. No sweat.

Thursday's complaints:

Shouldn’t illegal immigrants have to pass a drug test to get a welfare check since the average American has to pass one to earn it for them?

If you want to cry use a tissue, not your Facebook status. Man up. Woman up. Grow some balls. Speaking of that - why the hell do people say "grow some balls"? That statement is so full of crap, it could pass for a toilet. Let's examine this, shall we? From a woman's point of view - factually,  balls are weak and pretty damn sensitive. They are so weak they have to hang out in pairs. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.


Thursday's wisdom:

Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Yeah, maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity."

What? No ending my blog on my usual joke? You are probably all asking "Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?”
Ok, but this time I will let President Obama speak for himself. Giving credit where credit is due I am sure that every one will agree that - FOR ONCE -  he actually makes more sense than anything he has said in all these years as President ! See for yourself.

http://youtu.be/Zqj8E7412AM

Nudging aside reality a word at a time

You have deja moo?  The feeling you have heard this bull before? Admittedly, I should probably keep my mouth shut, but I don't. So here you go.

I have been very busy. I have moved from my cave - to a much better place. It was beginning to be too dark and I really missed my fresh air. The final straw was when my cave privacy had been invaded. I caught this person scaling my cave walls.

I won't have any part of that so decided it was best to move. This is my new place. It's a rather small house and gathering firewood is pure hell but I am adjusting. I do get thirsty sometimes. I only have access to water if it rains. No squirrels throwing pine cones at my head. No pine needles to rake up. So far, so good.

                           I have also purchased a little get away cottage also.

My Truth's:

I was  told that I over-analyze things. I need a couple of days to think about that before deciding if I should be offended.

Really? Seriously I just want to enlighten Dog Walkers. Technically, those dogs can walk on their own. What they can’t do is pick up their own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

                                                          
When I see my dog watching out the window, fascinated by something, I sit beside her and say, "Look, Simba, I mean Kesä, everything the light touches is our kingdom."

                                                           
                                               
Politeness has become so rare nowadays that some people mistake it for flirtation. Just the other day I went to shake someone's hand and he offered me his left hand. I knew he was right-handed, so I asked him why. His explanation? "If it's a woman, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away."  I walked away.

I never complain about the cost of Starbucks. Starbucks isn’t really that expensive when you consider what Victoria Secret charges per cup.

One day, I’m gonna make the onions cry. I don't know how, but I will. It is my promise to myself.

I know I should be concerned about the United States NSA phone tapping thing, but personally myself it’s just so nice to know that someone’s been listening to me. I mean - seriously. Now I am thinking that when the Verizon guy says “Can you hear me now?” the NSA is quietly answering “Yes we can.”

Starting tomorrow- whatever life throws at me- I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.

What I find annoying:

“Who’s that?” “What are they doing?” “What’s happening?”   (Shut the hell up and watch the movie)

A ghost could be standing right behind me right now and I would never know.

Facebook.  Seriously, it is  basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in. Didn't your parents teach you to NOT write on Walls? Mine did. I used to get in trouble for writing on walls.

Millionaires! They are so stupid. If they don’t have a bookshelf that spins into a hidden room, trampoline floors and a  giant slide that goes from their bed to an olympic sized indoor pool they should give me their money because they obviously don't know what to do with it. And by the way - If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed his name to Cha Ching then I don’t see the point of money.

If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you. Possibly two.

I don't trust hikers or joggers. They're the ones that always find dead bodies out in the woods.  I'm no detective. I'm just sayin'. Just seems suspicious to me. Be leary of people with running shoes or backpacks.

I think a  baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds a person  will ever hear. Unless it’s 4am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby. (Hmmmm....go back to number 2 of this list  of "what I find annoying" -  Coincidence or what?

I am going to bed before midnight. Who am I and what have I done with me?

My questions:

Cartoon pictures of the sun always depict it wearing sunglasses. What exactly is the sun protecting its eyes from? Does it apply sunscreen also?
                                                          
Wrestling is so obviously fake. Why would two men fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants to begin with?

Seriously, how many times do I have to say “excuse me” before “get the hell out of my way” becomes acceptable?

Not knowing the truth of this matter:  What if birds singing when they are flying is really them just screaming because they are afraid of heights? What if??????

                 
Is the divorce rate high among my socks? Do I own serial killer socks? Are they out seeking "sole" mates? Why are so many missing? I may have to contact the "Department of Missing Socks", their motto is "No sock left behind"                                                 



My solutions:

Throw lamps at people that need to lighten up. I go through a lot of lamps.

Eat tacos over another tortilla, so when stuff falls out -  YAY - extra taco. No work involved.

Dear  "Wanna be Gangsta",  If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster. Really, that didn't occur to you?

If I were the President of the United States the first thing on my agenda would be to put Kansas City where it belongs - in Kansas. Why is it in Missouri? Is there a Missouri City in Kansas? No.

Confessions:

I love the night sky more than anything else in this world, its really the only place where chaos is so peaceful. I don't mind chaos. I just hate drama.

I’ll call my phone a “smart phone” the day I panic and yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and my Samsung answers, “I’m here! Over here! On the table!” Otherwise it is simply a cell phone.

Sometimes I find myself making the decision between being a good person or being a sarcastic bitch. I'm talented in both areas. But then again I am a Gemini - the twins.

I die a little when I see an old person sitting alone in a restaurant. It really saddens me.

I don't have a Facebook account, so I just carry around a police bull horn to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers - but I think 2 of them are cops, possibly even CIA because I won't shut my mouth about my displeasure (that's a kind word by the way) with Obama.

People who first meet me think I’m quiet. But people who have known me for a long time wish I was. I may appear quiet at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy adventures.

Memories:

Never judge a book by its contents. In High School my High School yearbooks had pictures of students enjoying themselves on it. I did not enjoy myself at all. I think they brought in actors for those photos.

My parents used to think some of my friends were bad influences but honestly, I was usually the one coming up with the ideas. Some of those bad decisions were ultimately made using the same exact piece of resounding logic “Ah, screw it” that I use today. “Screw it” – seriously, it is my final thought before making most decisions.

Just for fun:

Go to a car dealership and ask the car salesman to lay in the trunk so you can "see how many bodies you can fit in that trunk"

Replace the can of air freshener in your office bathroom with an air horn. And wait...

Take your  DirecTV remote outside, change the neighbor's channel to purchase porn, and watch them scramble to stop it (sorry Marcia, couldn't help myself).

If I  live to be 100, I am going to make up a really fake reason to explain my longevity just to mess with people's heads. Something like  "I faithfully ate a pine cone each and every day. A Ponderosa pine cone. It has to be a Ponderosa pine cone."

My Eternal Thanks:

I would like to give a big shout-out to Mother Nature for not giving wings to snakes.

Oranges that come pre-sliced by nature. Thank you Mother Nature. How cool and convenient is that?

I’m so very thankful we don’t have to hunt for our own food anymore. I don’t even know where sandwiches live.

No you cannot  subscribe to my blog via RSS. You can follow me on Twitter, but I'm rarely there.  Or you can just check back often. Or do nothing. I love you no matter what. Thanks for being loyal readers!  Now I am off to the gym to do shoulder shrugs and diddly squats.

No, I did not forget to end my blog on Obama.  Instead of playing the same political games I suggest Obama plays Battleship or Monopoly instead. I mean - get a damn clue Mr. President. I want an avowed atheist in the White House. When time comes to push that button, I want whoever's making the decision to understand that once it's pushed, it's over. Finito. Gone. Can't take it back.  And to know they're not gonna have lunch with Jesus. There won't be deflowering 100 virgins on the great shag carpet of eternity, or reincarnation as a cow. I want that someone making that decision who believes life on this Earth isn't just a dress rehearsal for something better, but that it is the only shot we get. I will even provide Obama with the game so he can practice and learn from his mistakes - beforehand.

Do not fear, the America I loved still exists. Not in the White House. Not in the Supreme Court. Not in the Senate or the House of Representatives. Certainly not in the media. The America I love still exists - in my heart. I am deeply worried though. And I am disappointed. It was the moral duty of every United States voter to guarantee that Barack Hussein Obama was a one-term president.The people of America failed. Failed themselves. Sorry if I offend anyone with my Obama bashing.  I will never stop.
I will end my blog with this question -
Am I or am I not on a government watch list? Hell, I don't care. If I can't use my free speech to criticize my own government, then what the hell is the point of having it?
As Plato said - "Only the dead have seen the end of war."

Connecting Past with Present

Huomautus Susi:
Vickie käyttää paljon amerikan slangia. Ei käännä hyvin Google. Virpi ja Salla lukea Englanti? Joten Hannu ymmärtää?

Yes, I am still in my non-descript dark cave in my undisclosed forest in Finn-ville, Finn-fornia, Finn-merica.  

      For the first time ever I am enclosing a photo of my cave. Only Hannu and Simo know where it is......it's a hard climb to get to the entrance but think of how safe I am!

Reasons to read my blog:
I laugh at my own jokes so you don’t have to. Sometimes I think that things are best left unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.  People are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking while I'm writing. Well, actually I don’t think as I write. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.  I’m just like everyone else, after all,  I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.

April was a great month for me!

Hannu Susi and myself - 2nd cousins who grew up 5000+ miles and oceans apart met for the first time. Second cousins - that is grandchildren of your own grandparent's siblings. My cousin, Hannu, owns and lives on the very same property that my Grandmother Hilda lived on in Ikaalinen, Finland.  The very place she had resided until she married my Grandfather, August, who came from Kuru, Finland. She was born and raised there, walked the very same ground, swam in the very same lake. Unfortunately for me I never got to meet the Grandparents who are responsible for my "Finnishness" as Hilda died in 1934 and August died in 1947, before I was born. 

I will never forget how my father spoke of them as I was growing up. With such love and respect. He would smile that little Finnish smile of his when he spoke of them. He would often  say words in Finnish, in such a low whisper, that I knew in my heart he was expressing his love to them, or how much he missed them. Words that only they could hear. My father did not display emotions often. He was a pretty stoic man, as I am a pretty stoic woman at times. My father taught me by example very early on that showing anger, passion or emotion suggest you’re not in control. My father didn't often raise his voice. This by no means I am suggesting Finns to be gentle people. Gentle people don’t play ice hockey. Hard sport. He believed if you raised your voice, you would immediately lose authority and credibility.  If you lost respect you lost the argument. My Dad was not a big talker either.  He didn't bore you with bull shit talk.   When he did talk, I would pay attention because he would choose his words very carefully, and what he did say was incredibly loaded. He would mean absolutely every word he said. A different word here or there would be very significant. I was quick to learn to listen very carefully and try to pick up on any possible subtleties or nuances.   You need to pay attention. If they, the Finns, say someone is sick, they are probably dying.  In general I have found that Finns do not enter into conversation with strangers, their  words are chosen very  carefully and small talk is really considered suspect. "Sacred silence" has meaning, it really does. 

I love Hannu's last name. Susi. Switch those letters around and it spells Sisu also. Anyone who knows me knows what Sisu is. I think I refer to it often enough that my friends  googled the word just to find out what the hell it means. Here's a quick defintion:
Sisu is a Finnish term that combines inner strength, determination, perseverance in the face of adversity, and a strong work ethic. There is really no direct English translation, as it isn't in the English language. It is strictly a Finnish word, but the concept can be somewhat expressed as “being tough as nails”, “hard-nosed”, or "stubborn ass".  I particularly like "stubborn-ass" because I have heard friends, family, co-workers, and even bosses call me that all the time. That is giving me one of the best compliments you could possible give me - so kiitos for that.  Sisu is a necessary thing for the Finns. They live in a cold northern land, sliced by thousands of beautiful yet cold lakes, and long under threat of being overwhelmed, militarily, linguistically and otherwise, by more powerful (asshole) neighbors. From the Middle Ages until the 20th century, my grandparents homeland was occupied by Sweden and Russia. This is why my grandfather and his family left. They were not going to be "Russified".  "Swedes no more, Russians we will never be, Finns we will always be." 

 
The only problem I have ever had with my Finnish identity is that sometimes I cannot control my laughing. Finns laughing out loud isn't very common. I laugh out loud often. I can't help myself. I suppose it is the Irish/Welsh blood in me? 

Hannu is the grandson of my Grandmother's younger brother Arvid. "I'm coming to California and I want to meet you," he announced in an email. No need to ask me twice, we immediately set about making plans to meet. He  would be traveling along with two friends, Simo and Jaakko.  How cool is that? I thought. I have always had a long held desire to be able to make 'in-person' contact with my kin in Finland and it finally reached a point to "do something about it".  I was a little nervous about the language issue.  It turns out I was worried for no reason. Neither one of us had to speak the others language in order to communicate and enjoy ourselves.

I have had years and years of written contact with my 3rd cousin, Margit, but never have met anyone from Finland in person. (Well, besides one of my father's brother's who was  born in Finland ) The key player in this drama was  Margit Lumia, a gifted genealogist who helped me piece together my Järvinen and Muurasniemi ancestry, many years ago. This ultimately lead me to discover that I actually have more relatives in Finland then I do in the United States. I became hooked on genealogy - it’s like an addiction. I had became a “genealogical obsessive.”  People are fascinated with who they are, they want to know where they came from.  I had corresponded with another cousin, Kosti,  (1st cousin 1x removed)  who actually fought in Finland's Winter Wars (to get independence from Russia)  and even though he recently passed away  I will cherish his letters with all of my heart and will always regret never having met him in person. 

It was the first time I’ve met Hannu in real life, though we’ve chatted via email numerous times.  Being from Finland, he seemed pretty damn cool, as did his friend, Simo. Jaakko didn't come to my house, he was participating in a parachuting competition in Lodi.
Hannu  entered my heart immediately. I had one of those inexplicable moments where I felt I had known him always, forever.  Two cousins from different parts of the world but connected by a blood-line -  forming a new bond. I felt an immediate chemistry with Hannu,  there was no denying the blood in our gene-pool. He was my cousin, a  family member who flew across countries and oceans and then drove across the State of California  to reach my place in order to meet me. I am a  family member from that family tree that had branched itself out to plant the Järvinen orchard in a far-away land. His car trip to reach my place had been only a 3 hour drive, but think about it - his journey spanned several generations and traversed  countries and oceans.
He'd found a home in a foreign country, my home.  Cousins meeting for the first time, yet still bound together and both of us feeling deeply connected. More than we'd ever expected, this family connection carried us along, almost like a magic carpet ride, to a most wonderful experience and gave both of us the gift of new familial ties. Could this really  be happening? So surreal were the occurrences of this "cousins meeting for the first time"  that it still seems dream-like.

Simo and Hannu

Me and Hannu

When I first saw Hannu, I recognized him immediately from the family resemblance. It was amazing, it was extraordinary. He reminded me of one of my father's brothers when he was at Hannu's age. Hannu's wife, Virpi, remarked  that she could see a resemblance between Hannu and I when we would Skype together, Hannu and I sitting side by side. She said we had the same sense of humor. That was very evident when we attended a classic car show during his visit and we did the exact same thing and said the exact same thing at the exact same moment, and then we both looked at one another and laughed. You don't need to know the other person's language to communicate. We did just fine.
But if we did speak each others language, just imagine the stories we might well have had which would have  added  to our understanding of those now long-departed family members. I did not speak Finnish and Hannu did not speak English, yet we survived. We had the assistance of Google Translate and also the assistance of his wife and daughter translating through Skype (both women being so genuinely awesome) We also effectively used body language to the best of our abilities. 

We said our goodbyes - promising to stay in touch, issuing invitations to one another, and I felt sadness when Hannu and Simo drove away. And so there I was, walking back to my house in quiet reflection, looking at the vastness of my beautiful blue northern California cloudless sky, simply amazed at the beauty of where I live and the happiness this last weekend had brought me. Yet - longing to visit Finland. Longing to meet as many of my Finnish cousins as I can. Longing to return to my grandparents homeland, their birth homes.  I am not ashamed to admit I had a tear in my eye and that despite our language obstacles I did not want Hannu to leave for fear we may never meet again. A couple days visit was not long enough.
Almost immediately after Hannu and Simo left here, I began searching for good airfares to Finland for me to go visit and meet the rest of the family. One of the motivations for me going to Finland is for me to learn more about my heritage, to retrace my ancestor’s footsteps. Hopefully I will be able to make the trip. I don't know, finances may be the biggest obstacle. The only obstacle actually.  It would be a very long journey - flight-wise. I'm not the best flyer in the world, but I do admit I have gotten better over the past few years with a lot of trips to Washington State. I certainly feel a lot more comfortable about going now that I have met Hannu and  his wife and daughter. I could finally meet Margit, her son Ville and her parents. Meet ALL of my family. There would be so many  places I would love to visit.  Ikaalinen being the foremost, Helsinki, and then Kuru, my grandfather's birthplace. The castles. The last glimpse of Finland when they sailed away. The graveyards. And of course sauna and swim in the lake my grandmother swam in. There's an inside joke between Hannu and I.......so maybe I should just say "walk into the same lake with my leather boots on".  While Hannu, Simo and I were at Lassen Volcanic Park I had wanted a better view of the mountain.  A tree was in the way. I walked into the lake water with my leather boots on -  but I got the photo I wanted. I do believe that Hannu and Simo think I am one "crazy Finn".   I am a true believer in "Don't let little things stand in your way".   

 Getting a little wet for this photo was worth it!

                                                                     
So many relatives in Finland, so little time.  I'd feel like a true Finn if I could sleep under bright lights (Midsummer) after downing  seven to nine cups of coffee and three or four desserts. Time to prepare myself, with the first step being able to  drink plenty of coffee. The Finns lead the world in coffee consumption, averaging numerous cups per person per day, and decaffeinated is probably a sin to the coffee gods.  I will  also need to eat baked goods, because the Finns enjoy their sweets. No problem there!
 
I would love to see the Seitseminen National Park, Ikaalinen Church (where my grandparents married), the Mannerheim Museum, the Häme Castle, the Fortress of Suomenlinna. Many places would be too far away.  I would be just as happy to  sit in a chair looking out at the lake my Grandmother viewed every day. I could sit there and imagine my grandfather August coming through the forest, to the property where the love of his life lived. 

I could envision my grandmother looking outside a window anxiously awaiting his arrival. I could breathe in the clean Finnish air and maybe all those stories my father told me about his parents would magically come to life.

I wish to meet as many of my relatives as possible. Share some Salmiakki????
For weeks afterwards Hannu and Simo's Finnish conversations echoed in my ears. I would find myself smiling. It would warm my heart just remembering what the three of us did, where we went - everything. His trip to visit and meet me was truly a gift from the Finnish God's themselves. It was amazing, the whole thing, absolutely amazing.  A once in a lifetime opportunity I will never forget. 



Before I go I thought of something that may be fun. It's almost County Fair time! My suggestion is that next time you go on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and tell the person in front of you “Dude, these just came out of your…
 

Ending my blog as always, with my usual joke  -

Obama
 
He is destroying the "American Dream" by turning a once free country into a socialist nightmare

P.S. And this is for you Hannu, Jaakko and Simo

Suomen mafian tulee Kaliforniaan

 

Advice from nature, animals and the wildlife that I love

I am sure most of you think "How can Vickie manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time"? Usually I write my blog as a ha-ha bulletin board. I think life is good when laughter is frequent. What do I think is the greatest reward of being alive? Well of course, first off  it is my family, but I see nature and animals as equally rewarding. I hold close to my heart several quotes, one of them being -

“Earth and sky, woods and fields, lakes and rivers, the mountain and the sea, are excellent schoolmasters, and teach some of us more than we can ever learn from books.”
― John Lubbock

With that being said, I think there's too many people who just don't care about nature. Most people are so caught up in their cities, their careers, and all of this and that ever changing  technology, and other superficial man-made junk that they find real nature too primitive. I sincerely feel the lack of respect for nature comes from too many advances in technology. We human beings create more and more artificial "things," and we have become distanced from nature and forget where the hell we came from. Ok, please don't get me wrong, I'm not totally hating on technology, I love my smartphone. I love my HD TV. I just think people have become so blinded by the things we've created to make life easier for ourselves that they take nature for granted. I will never take nature for granted. My philosophy is "If you do not respect nature, then you destroy nature". Maybe people don't appreciate nature like I do because it is always there. Nowadays, people in the world are so spoiled with technological advances, they would rather be cooped up playing video games or watching TV instead of going outside. Go outside. Breathe in the air. Put your feet in a creek.  See the beauty around you. Plant a tree. Take it all in. Pick up some litter.  If I am not outside I literally cannot breathe, I feel like I am suffocating if I am indoors.

Today's blog isn't my usual ha-ha bulletin board. It will be an blog of advice from nature, animals and wildlife to maybe help you enjoy life's journey a little better.

Advice from a Campfire:

Bring people together
Spark new ideas 
Kindle strong friendships 
Radiate warmth 
Be a good storyteller
Don't burn out!

Advice From A Wolf:

Trust your instincts 
Be at home in nature 
Keep your den clean 
Stand fur what you believe 
Stay on track
Howl with your friends 
Be a leader 
Pack life with good memories!





Advice from a Bear

Live large
Climb beyond your limitations 
When life gets hairy, grin and bear it 
Eat well 
Live with the seasons 
Take a good, long nap
Think big
Spend time in the woods
Eat plenty of greens
Hold your head up high
Keep your nose clean
It’s OK to be a little wild!





Advice From Mt. Rainier 

Reach for new heights
Rise above it all
There is beauty as far as the eye can see
Be uplifting
Patience, patience, patience
Get to the point
Enjoy the view!





Advice From a Eagle

Soar to new heights
Be a keen observer
Swoop down on opportunities
Rise above it all
Spread your wings
Find a field that suits you
The sky's the limit!



Advice From the Earth

Be well rounded
Keep a positive atmosphere
Have a magnetic personality
Celebrate diversity
Think globally
Be good to Mother Earth
There's no place like home!

Advice from a Deer

Look both ways before you cross the road
Be a good listener 
Know when to lay low
Tread lightly on the earth
Take time to browse
Leap over obstacles
Don’t pass the buck!









Advice From Lassen Peak Volcano

Stay active
Keep your inner fire burning
It’s OK to let off steam
Go with the flow
Be uplifting
It’s all a matter of time
Have a blast!








Advice From Snoqualmie Falls

Go with the flow
Roar with excitement
Let your cares fall away
Create your own music
Immerse yourself in nature
Stay active
Make a splash!








Advice from a Goldfinch

Stand out in a crowd
Go out on a limb
Be a bright spot in others' lives
Speak up!
Be home before dark
Add color to your life
It's OK to be a little flashy!
                                                                   
Advice From a Squirrel

Look both ways when you cross the road
Plan ahead
Stay active
Eat plenty of fiber
Spend time in the woods
Go out on a limb It’s OK to be a little nuts!






Advice From my friends Laura and Valrie's Horses

Take life in stride
Loosen the reins
Be free-spirited
Keep the burrs from under your saddle
Carry your friends when they need it
Keep stable
Gallop to greatness!






Advice from my neighbor Marcia's Cats

Be frisky!
Pounce on possibilities
Enjoy the night life
Always land on your feet
Stretch often
Don't climb a tree you can't get back out of
Delight in the simple joy of a long nap
Create your purr-fect day!







I will not be ending with my usual joke about Obama.  He's too much of a 'downer' to me. I’m living in a drama-free nature loving bubble today. Respect the bubble, people! Respect it!
As I told my neighbor on the phone today, "I was just thinking…then I thought “WHY?”  So there will be no more thinking today.

Just another Monday

Well, here I am - once again writing from my underground command post. Deep in the bowels of a mountain located in Northeastern California, United States, Northern Hemisphere, Earth, Solar System.  I am at the elevation of 3500 feet under the dirt, rock and darkness of my nondescript cave, known as home.  I am in the vicinity of the southernmost active volcano in the Cascade Range, Lassen Peak. She's a good enough 'adoped' mother, but I always miss my real mother, Mt. Rainier. There was something very special about growing up with a view of Mt. Rainier out my kitchen window. She watched over me, and protected me. 

I'm having one of those days where I'm probably going to lean against the wall, and slide down it several times while dramatically sighing. Life appears to be designed specifically to kick my ass. I’m still standing. So, I say bring it on and just to be the defiant person that I am I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild, no?
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. Not me, I can laugh at myself.

My Monday  Observations:

Easter has come and gone and I still don't know how long  I have to sit on these Cadbury Eggs before the Peeps hatch. This is getting very tiring.

I believe everything happens for a reason. Usually, the reason is somebody screwed up.

Four things that can never be recovered: that stone after it’s thrown, that word after it’s spoken, that occasion after it’s missed, and the time after it’s gone.

Don't ever dwell on the past. Focus on the future. That's why our rear view mirror's are  smaller than our windshield!

There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you.

If watching the TV show “Cops” has taught me anything it’s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they’re nothing but trouble.

I work hard so my dogs can have a better life. Not only do they have their own sofa and pillow but they have their own ATV's. Plus they have "little people" to read them books.

People will cut down trees, make paper, then write “SAVE TREES” on them.  A tree's revenge? A paper cut!

It's so windy here today that  I just saw a squirrel's nuts get blown out of a tree.

My Monday Complaints:

I am really tired of all those State Farm commercials on TV. If State Farm were such a good neighbor they'd come over and pick up all the dog sh** in my yard. I have 4 dogs. Seriously, be a good neighbor State Farm.

I miss being a kid. My only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot. And someone else was in charge of my hair.

Oh dear, I guess nobody did take care of my hair after all.

Dear small line of woodstove ash that won't go in the dustpan… Screw you.

Getting back to my last blog about dolls, seriously, dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. True fact, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

My Monday Advice:

Two tips for faster jogging or walking:  (1) hot guy in front of you; (2) creepy dude behind you.

Sometimes it takes a wrong turn to put us in the right place.

My Monday Questions:

Why can't history repeat itself?  I really want a dinosaur.

When the Spice Girls Band chose their "Spicy" alter-ego nicknames (Scary Spice, Sporty Spice, Ginger Spice, Posh Spice and Baby Spice) why didn't the girl with the biggest boobs choose Spice Rack?

If I was religious and I confessed my sins, I think it would be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that”. That would be awesome, right? 

Wouldn't it be hilarious to hire two private investigators to follow and investigate each other?

What do you think of this for next Halloween? Onions, Caramel, Popsicle sticks. Watching your friends bite into a caramel onion thinking it’s an caramel apple.  Beyond priceless, no? Oh sure, now you are not going to trust me next Halloween are you?

Don't you think this would be the best cop response - E V E R?
“You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.”

Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I don't even listen?

Does anyone else have life moments when all you can do is stop and say “Seriously?”

Wouldn't we all rather have a life full of scars than a life full of fear?

Do kids go outside and play anymore??

My Monday Worries: 

It's not that I don't trust people, but just to be safe my will has a clause that requires 10 witnesses to confirm I'm not still alive before I'm cremated. Just remember this - My Will says it’s okay to pull the plug on me, but I’d like you to at least try jiggling it a few times first.

I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.

My Monday advice:

Don’t compromise yourself -  you’re all you’ve got.

My Monday accomplishments:

                            I found Nemo! Everybody can stop looking now.

        I found him but it's too late. As anyone who knows me - you know how I feel about fish. I'm not upset. At all.

                                           

Airline Humor: 

I will not say which airline this was, but found this humorous enough to pass along. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.  

P: Pilot complaint    S: Solution documented by mechanic

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.  S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit  S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent  S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.  S: Evidence removed.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.  S: That’s what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.  S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.  S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.  S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.   S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.   S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.   S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.    S: Took hammer away from midget


          As usual I end this blog on a joke. You would not expect any less of me.

                        OBAMA, a waste of two billion years of evolution

                             Ut-Oh, Got to go, CIA is knocking on my door.


                                  Almost forgot -  HELLO Alturas, hello Modoc County

Barbie's for Sale

 My Thursday so far:

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 5 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting. But here goes.

We all know that Barbie is a plastic doll, about 11 1/2 inches in height, manufactured by Mattel since 1959. I was seven years old when I got my first Barbie. Now that I think about it - it was my only Barbie. I was more of a mud puddle splashing, play in the mud and dirt tomboy. My original Barbie was a rather well endowed female with a supermodel body that would have fallen over if she had been an actual person. It is a scientifically and medically known fact that anyone with breasts that huge and a waist that small would topple over as soon as they stood up.  This doll has had many careers. Barbie is known to have been an astronaut, a lawyer, veterinarian, model, and even a mom. As a child I thought Barbie could be very scary at times because she did not blink and she could stare at you no matter where you were. She could also smile 24/7 even when you turned her head 360 degrees, as I often did.  Barbie has also had over 40 pets, including cats; dogs; horses; a panda; a lion cub; and a zebra. If I had my mint boxed Barbie from 1959 it would probably sell for $4.000. But I don't have it. I probably left it in some mud puddle. I came across these Barbie's at a garage sale and I am now offering them for sale. 

 Obviously this entire blog was created for my friend, Jenny, who I went to school with. She's a avid doll collector and I wanted to provide her with a little doll 'humor'. 

South Beach Barbie
This princess Barbie comes with an assortment of Gucci Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey Pie who begrudgingly and reluctantly allows "its person" Barbie to dress her in embarrassing sweaters, costumes, footwear, and other ridiculous dog apparel. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Also available is her bathroom scale permanently set at 110 lbs. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with this “augmented” version.

Soccer Mom Barbie
This is  middle-aged upper middle class Barbie. Drives an SUV/Minivan and thinks the world revolves around her 'perfect-angel' children. She lives in the suburbs and devotes her entire life to her children because she has no full time occupation or even a secondary education.  She carpools, drives them to soccer and little league, volunteers at their school, does snack days, and play dates. She drives her Ford Wind-star Minivan with her fancy coffee and smartphone. She has no real purpose in life other than to be the trophy wife of Ken who hardly spends time with his kids. She lives the good life only because Ken is the success.  She gets lost easily. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Shasta County Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a  Beretta 9mm handgun, a switchblade knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then I don’t know what you are talking about.

Marin County Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW (Basic Marin Wheels) convertible or Hummer h3. Included are her own personalized Starbucks cup, $100,000 limit credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You probably won’t be able to afford any of them but I will consider all offers.

Shingletown Barbie
This Barbie comes from a small town in northern California, where the main exports are arts, crafts and weed. You can usually pick up a farmers daughter for a six pack of Budweiser in this fine town. This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans, a cameo shirt and Yosemite Sam tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six pack of Coor's Light and a Hank Williams, Sr. CD set.  She can spit over 5 feet and kick Ken’s butt when she’s drunk. Purchase her Chevy pickup truck separately and get an original "John Wayne for President" bumper sticker absolutely free.

Aspen Barbie
This Barbie was born in Aspen. The prettiest little ski town in North America. The town where both the rich and poor come to ski in the day and drink in the night. This collagen injected, rhino-plastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the Lodge. She doesn't even know how to ski, she just hangs out in the Lodge. Optional Percocet prescription available. Aspen Barbie bar tables optional  (the little plastic things found in a pizza box that keep the box from collapsing and smashing the pizza. These are a perfect size to use as a Barbie doll accessory as an end or bar table).

Sonoma County Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased drunk Ken out of Marin County Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low rise acid washed jeans, fake finger nails, and a see through halter top. Also available with a mobile home and 8-track tape player.

San Francisco Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long uncombed straight dark hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstock's with white socks. She really prefers that you call her “Willow”. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two San Francisco Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

Whidbey Island Barbie
Whidbey Island Barbie was popular. She was well known in Central Whidbey especially  Coupeville and Greenbank. (Whidbey refers to the largest island off the coast of the continental United States. It's located off of Washington in the Pacific Northwest) She’s basically Issaquah Barbie, but with all the accessories of South Beach Barbie, plus a whale fishing boat and whale fishing pole. Whidbey Island Barbie is just bored with the island life, saying there isn't much of anything to do.  Overall life on Whidbey is pretty dull. Its over run with tourists in the summer who are too excited about riding the ferry boat and seeing sea gulls everywhere. Also available are her whale watching binoculars. As for Whidbey Island Ken, his accessories  include a teeny tiny little Ph.D. diploma in entomology, which enables him to double as a professional fly-fishing-consultant action figure ( graphite fly rod and miniature accessories licensed from Orvis sold separately).

South Side Chicago Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his ’79 Caddy were available, but both are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Finland  Barbie
She’s perfect in every way. I don’t know who Ken is because he’s always hunting, skiing, playing ice hockey or  Pesäpallo. Finland Barbie and Finland Ken won the wife carrying race in 2012. They are planning on participating in WIFE CARRYING WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS in Sonkajarvi July 5th-6th, 2013.

Mexicali-Baja  Barbie
This Spanish speaking only Barbie comes with a 1985 Toyota with expired temporary plates and two baby Barbies and two baby Ken's in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a Meat Packers uniform and is missing three fingers on his right hand. Sorry, Green Cards are not available for this Barbie or Ken.

Grand Canyon Barbie
This Barbie is the only Native American Barbie. She sits in a booth and sells Native American Art for large sums of money to tourists.

Wyoming Cowgirl Barbie
This Barbie comes with various bruises and several restraining orders. Front teeth missing, but optional denture is available as well as her broken down barrel horse and whiskey shot glass collection.

Maibu Barbie
Malibu Barbie had an affair with GI Joe, and in an attempt to win her back, Ken was instrumental in having Mattel shrink GI Joe to half his former size. Humiliated, Joe signed up for a long military stint overseas while Barbie tried to drive her pink Corvette off of a cliff in Malibu. She survived, and only after extensive plastic surgery was she able to continue her multiple careers, including a guest spot on the TV show Nip Tuck. After years of therapy she was finally able to forgive Ken. But she did it for herself, not for Ken. While forced to be together in certain social situations, their relationship remains strained. Crashed dream car and love letters written by GI Joe optional.

Issaquah Barbie
This Barbie comes with her own ATV and horse and lives in Issaquah,  a suburb 15 miles east of Seattle on Interstate 90.  Available with SUV, complete with Kayak on the roof and 2 dogs in the back. Optional Ken doll also comes with his own ATV and dog. Issaquah Barbie is never really happy. She always complains about being issapointed that there issanothingtodo and that her and Ken issarely go anywhere.

As usual, ending this blog on my usual joke................

BARACK OBAMA

Literally no plans

Today I want to say  “it’s a great day to be alive,”  because those are literally my only plans. Other than to bore you with another "blog post". 

I wanted to drop my Sheltie, Kesä, off at Petsmart to be groomed and they wanted to keep her for 6 hours. Seriously,  6 hours? My first thought was "Why the hell didn't children’s haircuts work this way back when my kids were little"? My neighbor Marcia let me borrow her dog clippers. I may have gotten a little carried away - I don't know. Whatcha all think?

Kesä Stone Fox Järvinen

Personally myself I think she went from Good looking Sheltie to Total Stone Fox in the matter of minutes. But that's my opinion. She hasn't come out from under the bed for days now. I guess it's true, dogs do have 'vanity issues'. 

Gray Wolf OR-7

Wolf OR7,  Oregon's 7th  radio-collared wolf, crossed the California state border into southwest Klamath County, Oregon  the other day  He had been hanging out in Tehama County, Shasta County and Lassen County since migrating to California. He traveled from his known location in  NW Lassen County to the Oregon border in 7 days. Amazing. I've been following him ever since he had first crossed into California on Dec. 28, 2011 - he was California's sole wolf, looking for a mate. He wasn't going to find one, which he obviously found out after searching the California wilds for over a year. Wolves throughout Oregon are protected by the state Endangered Species Act, but I still have mixed feelings about him returning home. I will miss following his whereabouts but then again I will feel better knowing that the California ranchers won't be 'gunning' for him now. Unfortunate for his followers like me that Oregon, unlike California, does not post daily location information on  their radio collared wolves. I hope he finds his mate and starts his own pack soon. He deserves it. 

Easter is a'coming: 
As anyone who knows me knows - I'm not a religious person. Not in the sense most people are anyway. But I do enjoy Easter for one reason. I love biting the ears and butts off chocolate Easter bunnies. 

I'm just not that much into holidays of any kind except for the 4th of July.  That's the time my Finnish Wizards and I  use Sparklers as wands and shoot spells at people! This coming year it will be important to plan ahead and  enjoy one of the last Independence Days before our complete dependence on China. 

Just a couple of my thoughts: 
I think the U.S.  budget is like the infamous Oregon Trail.  Our wagons are falling apart and everyone is dying of dysentery.What our government needs is a D.C.S - Department of Common Sense.

The people of today  are having unprotected sex. Yet they all have cases on their cell phones. Think about that. Seriously, just let that sink in for a moment.

I hate when cashiers ask you "is that everything"?  Oh no, I’d also like all this invisible shit too. 

Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made. Being an adult is stupid. I’d like to be able to be a kid again but only because twirling in circles was acceptable and the only password I had to remember was “open sesame.” Maybe I should not complain too much, after all I have a new sponge in the sink and it just brightened my day a little. 

Bring back the good old days 

My letter to Congress: 
Dear Congress,
Last year, 2012,  I mismanaged my funds and this year I cannot decide on a budget. Until I have come to a unified decision that fits all of my needs and interests, I will have to shut down my bank account and I  will no longer be able to pay my taxes. I’m sure you’ll understand. Thank you very much for setting an example we can all follow.

If I texted all the time: 
I'm at that age where I may have to start changing up my current texting codes to much more age appropriate codes:
BFF: best friend fell, BTW: bring the wheelchair, ATD: at the doctors, FWIW: forgot where I was.  IMHO: is my hearing aid on? OMSG: oh my! sorry, gas.

My apology for the week:
To the citizens of Shingletown, please accept my apologies. I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out? Helllloooooo? Anybody out there? 

My questions for the week: 
Do I turn right, when there’s nothing left? Or do I turn left, when nothing is right?

Did anyone else think that the smurfs finally "grew up” when they watched the movie Avatar, or was it just me?

My advice for the week: 

Just the truth and nothing but the truth: 
It takes only 7 seconds for food to pass from your mouth to your stomach, the length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb, one human hair can support 3 kg, a woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s, women blink twice as much as men, and your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing perfectly still.  Ummmm, while women have already read the entire text that I just wrote, men are still looking at their thumbs.

St.Patrick's Day: 

This year I will be celebrating St. Patrick’s Day with my  gang of leprechauns.   It's the least I can do, considering I do have to admit I have 25% Irish blood in me. What time do the shenanigans start? My plans include green beer and drinking at 10am. Really, these folks know how to have fun. The Irish are great story tellers, but not stories from history or stories based on myth - usually stories rooted in their life's experiences. They really can laugh at themselves. 

I know I am that wee bit of Irish because:
~ The person that I insult the most is my best friend
~ I'm strangely poetic after a few drinks
~ I don't know the words to the song but that doesn't stop me from singing
~ I can't wait for the other guy to stop talking so I can start talking
~ I have no idea how to make a long story short
~ I have a gift for swearing
~ I'm still scared of a wooden spoon and a wooden ruler
~Mosquitoes love my blood, and leave me looking like a leper.
~I wait until I am in crippling pain or nearly dying before going to see a Dr.

Sooooooo many Irish restaurant and homes, on St. Patrick’s Day, corned beef and cabbage will be  the menu.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this is not in fact an Irish dish at all. It's a fact that beef was not easily available in Ireland and was actually seen as a luxury. A luxury most didn't get to experience much.  The truth is the traditional Irish meal centered around ham, the bacon, not corned beef and cabbage. It is when our Irish ancestors  got off the boats after immigrating to America that corned beef was the only meat that they could easily and cheaply get their hands on. True story, this is why it has become the meal of choice for generations of us Irish Americans to come (Me, not included).  A tradition was born, of having a boiled dinner. For this dinner the corned beef, cabbage, and carrots, turnips, and potatoes were boiled. So, I, contend, because I am Irish and I may or may not like to argue a point -  that this dinner is simply not Irish at all. 

When the Irish immigrated to  America, they couldn’t find a bacon joint like they had in Ireland so they leaned toward the  corned beef which was actually similar in texture. We all know that the majority of the Irish immigrants settled in N.Y. They landed there. Why not stay? The bars of early New York offered  free meals of corned beef and cabbage to the Irish workers who would gather in the bar after working all day. Of course those  Irish  would  have to buy a few drinks in order to get their  free meal.   Those immigrant Irish workers were merely enticed by a cheap meal. The corned beef and cabbage dinner is believed by most people to be of Irish origin but it's actually a Jewish dish.  Ok, Irish folks - Jeez - don't get your knickers in a twist. Sometimes the truth hurts. Just say'n. Grab a green beer and chill.

Whatever you’ll be preparing this St. Patrick’s Day, whether it’s a corned beef and cabbage dinner or the  real bacon and cabbage dinner, or maybe even  the Irish Beef Stew - enjoy!

Myself, I will be having an American meal of steak and taters. Or maybe just a bowl of cereal. Maybe just a handful of potato chips. St. Patrick's Day means very little to me - mainly because I don't look good wearing green and  I don't particularly look good drinking green either.

As you all know I always end my blog on a joke.....................

Obama

This time two jokes................

U.S. Government