Well, here I am - once again writing from my underground command post. Deep in the bowels of a mountain located in Northeastern California, United States, Northern Hemisphere, Earth, Solar System. I am at the elevation of 3500 feet under the dirt, rock and darkness of my nondescript cave, known as home. I am in the vicinity of the southernmost active volcano in the Cascade Range, Lassen Peak. She's a good enough 'adoped' mother, but I always miss my real mother, Mt. Rainier. There was something very special about growing up with a view of Mt. Rainier out my kitchen window. She watched over me, and protected me.
I'm having one of those days where I'm probably going to lean against the wall, and slide down it several times while dramatically sighing. Life appears to be designed specifically to kick my ass. I’m still standing. So, I say bring it on and just to be the defiant person that I am I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild, no?
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. Not me, I can laugh at myself.
My Monday Observations:
Easter has come and gone and I still don't know how long I have to sit on these Cadbury Eggs before the Peeps hatch. This is getting very tiring.
I believe everything happens for a reason. Usually, the reason is somebody screwed up.
Four things that can never be recovered: that stone after it’s thrown, that word after it’s spoken, that occasion after it’s missed, and the time after it’s gone.
Don't ever dwell on the past. Focus on the future. That's why our rear view mirror's are smaller than our windshield!
There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you.
If watching the TV show “Cops” has taught me anything it’s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they’re nothing but trouble.
I work hard so my dogs can have a better life. Not only do they have their own sofa and pillow but they have their own ATV's. Plus they have "little people" to read them books.
People will cut down trees, make paper, then write “SAVE TREES” on them. A tree's revenge? A paper cut!
It's so windy here today that I just saw a squirrel's nuts get blown out of a tree.
My Monday Complaints:
I am really tired of all those State Farm commercials on TV. If State Farm were such a good neighbor they'd come over and pick up all the dog sh** in my yard. I have 4 dogs. Seriously, be a good neighbor State Farm.
I miss being a kid. My only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot. And someone else was in charge of my hair.
Oh dear, I guess nobody did take care of my hair after all.
Dear small line of woodstove ash that won't go in the dustpan… Screw you.
Getting back to my last blog about dolls, seriously, dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. True fact, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My Monday Advice:
Two tips for faster jogging or walking: (1) hot guy in front of you; (2) creepy dude behind you.
Sometimes it takes a wrong turn to put us in the right place.
My Monday Questions:
Why can't history repeat itself? I really want a dinosaur.
When the Spice Girls Band chose their "Spicy" alter-ego nicknames (Scary Spice, Sporty Spice, Ginger Spice, Posh Spice and Baby Spice) why didn't the girl with the biggest boobs choose Spice Rack?
If I was religious and I confessed my sins, I think it would be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that”. That would be awesome, right?
Wouldn't it be hilarious to hire two private investigators to follow and investigate each other?
What do you think of this for next Halloween? Onions, Caramel, Popsicle sticks. Watching your friends bite into a caramel onion thinking it’s an caramel apple. Beyond priceless, no? Oh sure, now you are not going to trust me next Halloween are you?
Don't you think this would be the best cop response - E V E R?
“You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.”
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I don't even listen?
Does anyone else have life moments when all you can do is stop and say “Seriously?”
Wouldn't we all rather have a life full of scars than a life full of fear?
Do kids go outside and play anymore??
My Monday Worries:
It's not that I don't trust people, but just to be safe my will has a clause that requires 10 witnesses to confirm I'm not still alive before I'm cremated. Just remember this - My Will says it’s okay to pull the plug on me, but I’d like you to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
My Monday advice:
Don’t compromise yourself - you’re all you’ve got.
My Monday accomplishments:
I found Nemo! Everybody can stop looking now.
I found him but it's too late. As anyone who knows me - you know how I feel about fish. I'm not upset. At all.
Airline Humor:
I will not say which airline this was, but found this humorous enough to pass along. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
P: Pilot complaint S: Solution documented by mechanic
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That’s what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget
As usual I end this blog on a joke. You would not expect any less of me.
OBAMA, a waste of two billion years of evolution
Ut-Oh, Got to go, CIA is knocking on my door.
Almost forgot - HELLO Alturas, hello Modoc County
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