The Russian Bear and the Chinese Dragon are encircling our American Eagle

I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take me, but I can. I’m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards. So soon for another blog, you say? Well, I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble and other bad things, so please have bail money ready and keep your phone on at all times. 

I'm writing this blog as I prepare my breakfast. Yes, sometimes I can do two things at once. Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand...... damnit now I'm having scrambled eggs. Oh well. 

Hey, I have never faked a sarcasm in my life. They have always been real. There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate my sarcasm. 2. Morons

First off, let me voice my opinion about something.  The Russian Bear and the Chinese Dragon are encircling our American Eagle. Remember the  cold chill of what we used to call the 'Cold War' ? Well it is thawing and the monsters  are coming out of hibernation. Make no mistake about it. A nuclear bear hug is in the future. It’s not just ISIS and the Caliphate we should worry about, those are just players in this political war theater to distract the world from the real  players — Russia and China. Mark my words. This is some serious crap happening. Don't be blind about what is happening right in front of our own eyes. There’s nothing to fear but fear itself….except for godless commie bastards.  In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of the United States. Obama - get your damn head out of that muslim sand! It is so obvious Obama is actually playing for some other team besides ours. Pay attention people,  just figure out what the worst option is for the American people. That's the one Obama will always select.

Halloween, it's coming:
Remember, Halloween is coming soon. popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. apple sized onion: $1. Priceless. Totally priceless.

I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried. Very worried.

I'm excited. Soon it's time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't nearly as tall as I expected... and he cried like a little kid.

You can tell who works at WalMart if their Halloween pumpkin on their porch has more teeth than the person who lives there.

My advice column:
Don’t ever let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a red flyer wagon because that is actually hella fun.

Truth : if you didn't hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes - Don't invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.

I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation. Which brings to mind - Good thing I’m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.

Life is short, break the rules, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile.

My canine family:
The best part about living alone is that no one is there to witness my bad choices. Well, other than my four dogs.

I’m not antisocial. I  have DirecTv, WiFi, a great neighbor, and 4 dogs.  What more would I need?

The most Awesome thing about all of my dogs is their ability to use their own ass for a pillow.

The only disadvantage of having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity for me to take advantage of the 5 second rule.

Teaching my dog Shep to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from my neighbor Marcia's house is just plain genius. Admit it, it's freak'n genius.

My goals for this week, maybe for a month, who knows: 
To stop being so easily distracted when things are so shiny! I have tried this for years with no success. Hoping it works this time.

To take a box of toothpicks and throw them into the forest and say, 'You're home, and I am so sorry for what they did to you"

To amend my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say to me NOW?

To dream of a better world - where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

My questions, because I always have questions: 
if rabbit's feet are so lucky...what happened to the rabbit? Tell me, seriously.

These 8 and 9 year old's on Facebook are so damn funny. Your relationship is "Complicated"? WTH? Did someone steal your animal crackers or what?

Isn't this a simpler, more believable theory?  That all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together?

Don't you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full? Yeah, I'll bet you $100  that´s how men feel about push-up bras!!

Does anyone else think what I think when I see a dead deer on the road - Looks like Santa lost his temper again? Man, I could have used that on my kids when they were younger!

Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...".  Really? Don't you think if he had said "OH MY GOD, I'M ON THE FREAK'N MOON!"  it would have been much more exciting?

Is there anything in life more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside?

I love finding money in my jeans and jackets. And in the washing machine for that matter. It’s like a gift to me - from me. You can't get better than that, right?

The Truth's, well, MY truths anyway:
The only honest people in the world are small children and ....well, me after a couple cocktails. By the way, life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight…you’re drunk.

My face can hide so much. Fear, pain, sadness, tears. But than again it does always reflect one thing - strength. Sisu. Enjoy life... regret nothing... don't let anyone but you make your decisions, Your life, Your rules.

Yes, of course size matters. Who the hell wants a small pizza? Damn, now I am just confused. Bigger isn't always better. Butts, for example.

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that some people are just terrible people and had it coming. Yep that is true. Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve. Or, in other words: Sorry for calling you a bitch. Thought you already knew…

ALL relationships go through shit. REAL relationships get through shit.

Couples should stop focusing on who wears the pants in the relationship… think about it - relationships work best when neither one is wearing pants. Seriously, what about Donald Duck? He has successfully gone without wearing pants since 1934.  Daisy Duck doesn't ruffle her feathers over that. She probably LOVES that he wears no pants.

I don’t think I meet the height requirement to ride the emotional roller-coaster of life.

I love, and I mean LOVE my special Daddy O's hot chicken wings. If my hands don’t look like I just delivered a baby when I finish eating wings….not enough hot sauce.

Here's my photo of me as a kid. Ok, everyone who reads my blog, this is your mission: Help me find a kid that looks like me. I want to  tell her I’m her from the future.

My neighbor Marcia is always saying I don't eat enough healthy food. In all truthfulness I only eat because keeping food in my mouth is the only way to keep sarcastic comments from coming out. She says I don't drink enough water either. You can drown in water. I don't want to take the chance.
.
I am no cactus expert. I don't even like those ugly plants. But, at my age I certainly  know a prick when I see one. Or in other words: I’m single because I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

If you love something, set it free. Really, just let it go. Maybe not a great white shark though. Or killer bees. Or deadly viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, listen, I'm trying to make a point. The point is don’t love anything.

My Bitches:
People who buy bottled water for their dogs, and people who pay for Starbucks every morning - stop your bitching about the price of gas at the pumps! Prioritize for damn sakes!

I have finally accepted the fact that I’ll never get back to my original weight. It's reality, when you think about it, 7 lbs. 1 oz. is pretty unrealistic. Sad, yet so true.

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I just want to clarify that I’m allowed to raise my baby squirrel however I want.

There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.

Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.

Great Memories:

My Dad used to make sure I was wearing my seat-belt by slamming on the brakes. He was an awesome Dad. Always making life fun for me.

I’m so thankful my childhood was filled with my vivid imagination and  my hella 'constant' bruises from playing outside, instead of  today's kids with their apps and how many likes they get on a picture they posted on Facebook.

I think that life was a lot simpler when I thought boys had cooties, and playing in a mud puddle in bare feet. It was a good day. Speaking of mud - today, 2 year olds can unlock a smartphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating mud. What the hell is the world coming to? Fear the children. FEAR the children!

A few Regrets:
What I should have said to my first  Mother-in-Law:  "Don't ever tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a hell of alot of improvement."

My favorite indoor activity is going outside. I regret that winter is coming and I won't be able to enjoy the outdoors as much.

I regret not going  to Starbucks, ordering  coffee and telling them my name is Waldo and then just walking out the door.

Not everyone is going to appreciate everything you've done for them. You have to figure out who's worth your kindness. Don't waste your time on certain people. Sometimes I should have just  turned around, gave a little smile, threw the match, and burned that bridge. There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind. It's better to burn that bridge  and suffer the consequences than to just stare at that  bridge for the rest of your life. What is done is done and cannot be undone. As Abe Lincoln once said - "I walk slowly, but I never walk backward." The positive side to burning bridges is  never being in the dark. May the bridges I burn light the way.

And my joke for this blog:

Wait for it ~

OBAMA

Oh sorry, you've heard that joke already?

Road Trip'n (aka:Virginia City, Nevada)

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational things to say in my blog are hard. Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not. I was going to write a meaningful new blog, filled with deep, thoughtful sentiments, but screw that. I'm just gonna 'wing it'. 

My friend Noreen and I decided to take a road trip to see my friends Jack and Michele. Before I get to that - THANK YOU Marcia for caring for my "pack" while I was gone!

We hadn't seen one another for a very long time. We used to live a few miles apart when we lived in Sebastopol. In another life. Now they live in Virginia City Nevada, and I live in Northern California - 200 miles apart. Nobody warned me about the road from Reno to Virginia City. Now I know why. I bet the road to hell looks just like the Geiger Grade to Virginia City, Nevada! 

From the bottom to the summit: You don't see the 6000 foot drop-offs? Oh yeah, they are there. 

That road is the ultimate "just when you thought things couldn't get any worse" example.  If time travel were possible, my future self would have shown up to slap some sense into me before getting on that road!  I think I may have learned some new swear words. I think there needs to be a more effective way to type a primal scream! Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. I didn't know it was physically possible to operate a motor vehicle with my head up my own ass. If I would have had a keyboard in my truck I would have pulled over and hit the Escape key repeatedly! (Insert passively aggressive sigh here) People who drive that road are operating on the outskirts of insanity. Yes, that's you Jack! I used to think there's nothing to fear, but fear itself. Well, fear itself and Geiger Grade! Jack and Michele, I want you to imagine that I have a big smile on my face. Also, for the hell of it, picture me on a sofa.  I'll be sending you my therapy bill. I was traumatized, I tell you, traumatized. Someday Noreen and I will look back on all this and laugh - nervously. Not. Instead of going back 'down' this mountain we decided to leave Virginia City and go to Carson City, kind of the opposite direction and a roundabout way of getting home. Whatever, we were in no hurry. We see it as "defying death". 

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up back in California. I think there is a fine line between being the life of the party and being the reason the cops are called.  I'm pretty damn certain that Jack, Michele, Noreen and I had a great time in Virginia City.  As soon as I'm done reading this Sheriff's report from Storey County, I'll let you know. I did figure out how the Irish Jig got started. Too much to drink and not enough restrooms! You know that tightness in your muscles the day after a good workout? Turns out you can get the same feeling just by drinking for two days straight and walking up the Virginia City hills to get back to Jack and Michele's house. Jack and Michele ~ We've been through so much together (and most of it was your fault). Noreen and I's new philosophy is to admit nothing, deny everything and make several counter-accusations. We had a hella great time ~ Thank You for everything (well, with the exception of Geiger Grade). People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life. You are those "people". It's obvious that Skye-Pilot had a great time too! Also, thanks a lot for introducing me to your Finnish friend. I will be sending you something to give to her soon. 

I think Skye carried on more conversations with the locals than any of us.
"WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO"

While we were in downtown Virginia City there was a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled to death. 

Now that I am back home I have one question: Has anyone ever wondered if the dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack? If not, you're wondering now! 

My truth's for the week: (Life Lessons?)

1. I am no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure the only way to alleviate the guilt of eating a peanut butter cup is by eating 15 more.

2. I still wonder why hitchhikers don't find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by.

3. It's true,  if you can fold a fitted sheet, you're obviously a witch. 

4. If I was on Facebook, my “single” as a marital status, would mean “independently owned and operated and doing just fine thank-you”

5. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.

6. Bras are actual booby traps, no doubt about it.

7. If there was a wrong place and a wrong time, I was there.

8. I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in are not really in my best interest.

9. Sometimes you can wake up after a hard night of partying with friends, you step on the scale and you lost 3 pounds. There ya have it.  My dignity weighs 3 pounds.

10. I don't believe Funkytown exists. No matter how nice I have asked all the people that I know, nobody will take me to Funkytown. WTH?

11. Sleep is like sex, you never seem to get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.

12. To the kids of today: The real secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.

13. If one of your friends  says to you - “you look tired”, that is the politically correct way of saying “you look like shit”

14. The very first instruction to assemble any and all IKEA furniture should be open 1 beer, down several aspirin, then use a hammer to destroy the damn IKEA thing. Damn Swedes. 

15. And then my Finnish Wizards said, “It was unfair to have given man an extra limb - so to balance it out we will  give women the power over which to control it.”

My questions for the week:

1. Why do people show me pictures of their kids if they have a dog? Doesn't anybody know me?

2. Maybe if we all email the U.S. Constitution to each other the NSA will read it. It's worth a shot, right? 

3. Finland will sign an agreement with NATO, finally making it easier for NATO to put its troops on Finland's soil?  Putin's Russian aircraft have violated Finnish airspace at least four times this year. This is totally unacceptable. Putin's legacy will be one of isolation and economic suffering for the Russian population due to his imperialistic adventurism. Even if Putin is ever replaced, he will be replaced by yet another dictator. When was the last time Russians had any sort of freedom?  About 1000 years ago, at the time of Kievan Rus? Since then: Czars, Mongolian overlords, more Czars, Communist dictatorship and Poo-Poo Putin. The Russian people don't know of anything different.  There has always been a Psychopath in control of Russia. They can all go to hell as far as I am concerned! Commie Bastards.

Now we all know I always end my blog with a joke. So I will. 

Obama

Growing up in Issaquah Part 5: the Dam, the Salmon, Earthquakes, Summer and whatever else

4th of July is over. I hope none of you proudly displayed any American flags that were made in China, threw tea in our harbors, played with fire and abused your freedoms! I learned a valuable lesson this year. Never look for leftover fireworks in your truck with a lighter. Good news is that now my truck has a sunroof.

Before I begin with Part 5 I just want to say that my very best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in my comfortable bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore. Re-living my past brings one subject to mind. In 1962, my teacher made me write "I must hand my work in on time" five hundred times. Pointless activity, if you ask me, but anyway...I'm finally done. Unfortunately I don't remember the teacher's name, so I don't know where to send my homework. Writing this blog, well, sometimes I feel like my life is a foreign movie with no subtitles. I just keep nodding, smiling and thinking WTF. It's OK if you do the same. My friends are always saying how funny and awesome they think I am. Mostly because they are imaginary and I tell them what to think. I am definitely the most mature out of everyone in my imaginary circle of friends. Relax, we’re all crazy... It’s not a competition. I am just waaaay ahead of the rest of you. You know what’s funny? Lot’s of shit. Loosen up already. My apologies, I am now just blatantly wasting your time by typing absolute drivel  And so we begin -

I previously told of my 1966 Leonid's experience when I was 14. Let's move back another year, to when I was 13. My most vivid and distinct memory of growing up in Issaquah was the 1965 earthquake. It originated in Alaska as a 9.2 earthquake. By the time it hit us, in Puget Sound,  it was a 6.5 earthquake. Horrifying experience for any child, that had never experienced a HUGE earthquake before. I had experienced a total of 15 earthquakes while I lived in Issaquah, but they were normally just 3's and 4's. Not even worth mentioning, most not even noticed. But this one -  this was a monster earthquake. Scary not knowing what to expect. The violent shaking. The sounds of the earth moving. Watching the ground literally open up in front of me. It seemed to last forever.  We all remember where we were at that given moment. A moment none of us will ever forget. Just like we will always remember where we were and how we felt when John F. Kennedy got assassinated. This earthquake, I was in Jr. High. My friend Jenny, if I recall, was in the gym. I was in the 3rd story of the main building with load-bearing walls made of brick. They tend to collapse like the "proverbial ton of bricks." I was told to get under my desk. I didn't. I ran out of that room, down three flights of stairs and  out of that shaking building, across the football field to my house. When it comes to life or death I listen to myself, act on gut instincts, not some teacher. Yes, stubborn Finn. The only damage to the house my father and grandfather built was a brick fell off the fireplace chimney. That in itself was a testament to the Finn's ability to build good solid houses. On the other hand the Jr. High building had to be destroyed. It sustained too much damage.  I do not recall any aftershocks. I would check out the huge cracks in the earth for months to come, peering down the cracks as if to see China or something. Pushing rocks down the cracks to see if I could hear them hit the bottom. They eventually closed but I remember so well how I would jump over them just in case I somehow fell into them. Of course I couldn't - but hey, you think strange things when it comes to the "unknown." I have experienced many earthquakes in the State of California, but that one in Washington will always be the one that truly let me know who is in fact boss - Mother Nature. 

My Washington summers were short, yet lazy. I would go down to the Issaquah Creek or Lake Sammamish and try to catch fish with a stick and some fishing line. Of course I never put a hook on the fishing line. I didn't like fish, I just wanted to pretend I was fishing. I always found this odd because  I could swim in the fish ladders at the Issaquah Dam with those huge Salmon and feel their slimy skin and fins touch me but I didn't want to touch them. I swam with the Chinook salmon, usually in late August. Never swam with the Coho or the Sockeye because I wasn't in the Issaquah Creek waters after August. Just too dang cold. The Chinook are the first to arrive back home to spawn, followed by the Coho and Sockeye. Salmon are not the greatest looking things when they return to their native waters to spawn after years in the Ocean. You see their dead carcasses spread around the forest, the creek....everywhere..... by wild animals. Not a great sight nor a great smell, but if you are raised around that you do get used to it. It's all good - they replenish the soil, feed wild animals and nourish the trees.  During the summer my friends and I would float my B-52 inner-tube from the Issaquah Creek to Lake Sammamish. It held 3 people. After my Dad attached a piece of circular plywood to it, it also held my dog Shep. That dog enjoyed the Huckleberry Finn life he shared with me. Well, except for the time I yelled  "Jump Shep Jump" when the inner-tube got too close to the Dam's water spillway. It was only a 12 foot high Dam, but it did have a concrete and rock spillway bottom. I suppose Shep didn't understand what the word "jump" meant because he and the inner-tube went right over that Dam. I am still surprised that he didn't get hurt. He just "rolled with the flow", so to speak. Damn fine dog, that Shep. Loved an adventure as much as me. 

A very familiar sight to see in Issaquah in October

My swimming hole, the Issaquah Dam. It has been torn down and replaced with a new series of weirs to allow the salmon easier access to their spawning grounds

In the winter I would get on my snow gear and head outside to make snowmen, igloos, slide down the 3 level schoolhouse hill,  or just have snowball fights.  

Schoolhouse Hill 

I would go back inside the house to warm myself by the floor oil furnace and then go back outside with my friends and neighbors again until it got too dark to see. When I got to be a  teenager things just got better. 

I wouldn't have wanted to grow up any differently. Sometimes it was hard, being raised in our small town, but I'm proud of how I turned out. I'm an honest person.  I work hard. I love the mountains and forests and I'm not afraid to be in them. There's a real genuine toughness that kids get from growing up in small towns, well, most kids, anyway. I feel more comfortable around a roaring bonfire in the middle of a forest with wild animals watching us - having drinks and conversations with my friends, than I ever could at someone's party in a city.  City life - how do people do it? It's obvious I'm not like city people.  I don't fit in with city people. City people aren't as friendly. There was always a party in the woods somewhere. Most often than not we would build a bonfire and drink six packs of beer all night. Stolen six packs of beer. You know - stolen from our parents. No drinking and driving involved. We walked where we wanted to go. In a small town, like Issaquah, everyone knew you and you knew everyone. The local townsfolk were friendly. It was really like walking into the "Cheers" bar every time you left your house. I could not leave my house and make it downtown without waving to at least 10 people along the way. I had a lot of 2nd and 3rd parents that would tell me I was out too late and to get my butt home. It was hard to get away with anything when your parents knew everyone in town and they all watched you like you were their kid! This gave me a sense of accountability. Somewhat. You just never knew who was watching you at any given moment. If I got into any kind of trouble, my Mom and Dad would already have heard about it by the time I got home. There was always someone looking out for me. The whole town knew if I was grounded and why, and if I skipped school, I couldn't go anywhere because someone would spot me and call my parents. Issaquah didn't have the need for truancy officers because the whole damn town acted as truancy officers! When I first started smoking I would wrap my cigarettes in plastic and crawl under the Issaquah Dam spillway to smoke. There was enough room under the waterfall to actually stay dry if you entered from the side opposite of the fish ladders. Nobody, except my closest friends, knew of my special hide-out. Well, Shep did but he never snitched me out.  I would go there when my Dad was working and I didn't want to be in the house with my Mother. My sacred place. No drama, just peace and quiet. The Dam was within a 3-5 minute walk for me (depending on what peaked my curiosity along the way), but on the path there were a few caved-in old abandoned mine shafts that could be explored. Just the entrances - they were all boarded up and disguised as not even being there but we knew where they were.  I admit I had no common sense at times because I sure as hell should not have investigated any of them by myself without anyone knowing where I was. My grandfather was a Miner and my Dad had specifically warned me about the unstable grounds around these old mines. Hell, we had a section across the creek from where I lived that was called "Mine Hill" where the owners of the homes there had nothing but problems - their houses sinking because of the unstable ground. How they allowed homes to be built there is beyond me - unstable ground, big mine shafts under the houses, combined with the constant rain we received - really stupid. 

If someone didn't like you, they wouldn't play head games. You always knew where you stood with everyone. You knew the people you grew up with and you didn't have to worry if someone was  going to do something to you. I would never have dreamed of date rape, ruffies - that stuff just never existed. My group of close friends were inseparable from one another. We knew when something was wrong with one another and if you picked a fight with one -  you got them all. Us girls were just as tough as the boys were. We were by no means door mats. Many a fist fight on the railroad tracks after school. Yes, us girls. Teenage girls - they can be total bitches. I can tell you from experience that trying to have a fist fight on the railroad tracks is difficult because you do not have good footing when standing on freakin' pea gravel and railroad ties. It is hilarious for me to think about that now but back then - I would not tolerate any sh** from anyone. I was raised with two brothers, I fought like a boy.  This is where I want to mention one of my longest and dearest friends, Savana. She was my true friend and the  one who saw all the good & the bad deep within me, yet stood by me no matter what. Taller and stronger than myself but she would stand there and let me 'settle some scores' and not involve herself unless of course I needed assistance.  "Bridge Over Troubled Waters", Savana, "Bridge Over Troubled Waters". There’s something about having an old friend who knew who you used to be, knows who you are now, and accepts everything you were in between. What is so funny is that these fights were usually with some of my best friends. Ahhhh - the teenage years. 

As teenagers we went to parties in an empty barn, a local pasture amongst the cows (and I can tell you for a fact that you cannot tip a cow), at the big gravel pit, or just in the middle of a dirt road in the forest. My life was a bunch of  “it seemed like a good idea at the time” moments. When the week-end was over and we were back in school, you could tell who was at the party during the week-end. You couldn't hide the scratches on your arms and  legs from running through the woods when the party got busted. I swear the cops knew all of our hangouts. Most of us escaped - never to be caught. We knew all the trails through the woods. The cops didn't. 

All of my teachers mentioned when they had my older brothers in class. They would ask me "Are you going to be like Dick or like John?" (Couldn't I just be me....little old me?) The trouble with being the youngest of two older siblings. They had set precedence. Yes, I ended up to be like Dick. "Hell on Wheels" as my Dad would say. 

I couldn't buy cigarettes because every store knew how old I was, who my parents were. I had to resort to stealing cigarettes from my Dad. I always felt guilty about that. So guilty! That was how he caught me smoking. My guilt overwhelmed me and one time I left money at the bottom of his carton of cigarettes to pay for the pack I had stolen. Seriously how stupid was that? Pretty damn stupid. Even though he was disapointed in the fact I stole from him he was equally as proud of my honesty. I didn't really get punished - the honesty won him over. He did make me smoke an entire cigar with him - as punishment. I never got sick so I suppose I did not learn any lessons from that.  Even my 2nd and 3rd parents were sometimes tougher on me than my own parents. When I was old enough to smoke, I'd still get a lecture and they'd still tell my parents. I had one 2nd mother who would call me "Swede" when I did something wrong and got caught. She knew that word really pissed me off. I was "Finn", not "Swede". She was my favorite 2nd Mom tho. One time her daughter Debbie and I snuck out of the bedroom window late at night. Where we went I do not remember but I distinctly remember upon returning to that bedroom before dawn that the window had been nailed shut from the inside. It had a note attached which read "Swede go home. Your father is waiting. Debbie, stay outside until your father is ready to talk to you". Debbie's Dad died 2 days before my Dad did. I was fortunate enough to have been in Washington taking care of my Dad to have attended Don's funeral. I will never forget what my 2nd Mom, Jean, said to me. "Of all the people who walked by his casket you were the only one who stopped, said something to him and kissed him goodbye. He loved you Finn, he really did". He was by all means my 2nd Dad. He and my father were life long friends. He had been good to me all my life. His other daughter, Nancy, had said to me "Isn't that just like my Dad to take your Dad with him when he had to go".  And with that, I am sad now, so will end this blog - for now.

I wish we could just fast forward through time just to see if it’s all worth it in the end. If we could I have a few ideas for the future:
They should totally change up the wording of “check engine” light to “this shit’s gonna cost ya”.
Door bells should be made non-existant in commercials. All dog owners know what I’m talking about.
Facebook needs a new button.  One that is the equivalent of kicking someone under the table to stop them from making a fool of themselves.
Build prisons out of the crap Costco packages their electronics in, no one could ever escape.

I will leave you with this final thought:
I would tell Obama to go to hell, but I think I am already there and I don’t want to see him everyday.

P.S.  If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those.

Just another day in Vickie's World

Well, THAT meteor shower was a huge disappointment That was not a storm, or a shower; it was a complete DUD.  We could count the number of shooting stars on one hand. Oh well, I don't ever need an excuse to sit under the stars so it was not a total loss. Good times can still be had when you get together and enjoy an evening with people you like to be with.  It is not the destination but the journey - in times like that night because any good times with friends is worth it.  The 6 of us still had fun sitting in the cold and staring at the sky in anticipation. The sky is miraculous -for sure. Enough of that - on to other things. 

If my blog offends you: 

1. I’m sorry. 

2. It won’t happen again.

3. 1 & 2 are total  lies. 

4. You’re a wussy.

5. My goal is to be just the right amount of crazy to make everyone else doubt their sanity.

6. It’s only a matter of time before they add the word “syndrome” after my last name.

I am going to concentrate on what's important in life. I'm going to strive everyday to be a kind and generous and loving person. After that I am going to sprout wings and fly to the moon. 

Remember I said I am not on Facebook, Instagram or those other social networks? Well, because of that I just want to let you all know I had sex in the backseat of my boyfriend's Chevy in the Fall of 1968. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now. So many feelings fit in just one sigh. *sigh*

My questions for the week: 

What is with this new style of ear piercing? If you have gouged huge holes in your ears and do not keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point?

Any of you want to be friends with benefits? You know, like we’ll give each other rides to the airport and help each other landscape our yards but still be just friends? (Get your minds out of the gutter)

Camping 101:  Did any of you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your ass smelling like meadows and rain drops?

Why do people ask me“What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.

Why do people dislike jury duty? I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun! If you tell the Judge that you will surely get out of jury duty.

No free lunch at a nice restaurant? No such thing as a free lunch? Bullcrap. Well, I'm in a posh restaurant right now, and I've got a spider in a matchbox that says otherwise.

Does anyone know of a way to "block" myself from this blog? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I write. 

My complaints for the week:

I just got a Booty Call from Life. Apparently it still wants to keep screwing me.

I think some people need to donate their blood, all of it.

Fluffed Marshmallow flavored Vodka, WTF? I'm a grown up, so can I get vodka flavored vodka? PLEASE?

I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night Scuba and Laurel dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car. 

Today is the day my brother died. I miss him. Alot.

My advice for the week:

If you’re told you only have six months to live, immediately get married. It will make those six months seem like eternity. 

Whenever you feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.

Don’t grab life by the horns, grab it by the balls!

Anything you say in a small town can and will be used against you

My advice for fun this week:

If you ever have to describe a person to a police sketch artist - make it fun. Would it not be funny to wait and see how long it would take that police sketch artist to realize you're describing him?

The next time you go to the beach with some of your couple (yet unmarried)  friends- here's a thought. 

Wait for them to walk the beach, they always do. Write “Marry me, Lisa (or whoever) ” in the sand and hide. And then just wait. Yeah, it's hilarious to watch reactions. 

If you ever run across those business card bowls at a restaurant to win a free lunch, just drop a business card in that fishbowl  but then take a handful of those cards in that fishbowl and call those people and tell them to come in for a free lunch. I know, it’s mean, but damn if it ain't funny.  Yep, that is how I roll. With my eyes. That’s how I roll.  

If you are in a public bathroom stall and someone knocks on the door, whisper, "let me see the drugs first." You'd be surprised how quiet it gets.

Putting icy hot on the door handles of the bathroom stalls makes for an interesting day. 

Put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist.

My confessions for the week:

Never mind the pink rocket shoes I have always wanted. Now I really want a Unicorn!  Unicorns are really just weaponized ponies. Who wouldn't want a weaponized pony?

I was just totally swept off my feet by this guy at the local bar. Well, not my feet exactly, but this bar stool. Ok, maybe not swept per se, but...Alright, fine! I fell off the bar stool while he was watching. Happy now?

This week I am going to dig up that time capsule I buried as a kid. Can't wait to see how much my brother's puppy grew!

My biggest fear is that I have already discovered time travel and I will bump into myself and spoil the surprise. 

I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.

I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. This  list of people I’m going to haunt grows every day.

If I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute at all. I think its damn strange how many people take knives on a date. 

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”

my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 16.

My word for the week:

OBAMA

As in: I bought a 12 pack of beer and drank it OBAMA self.

My 'realities of life thoughts'  for the week:

I swear my two Shelties  must be Russian. They invade my side of the bed and claim it as theirs.

Strangely enough, this is the past that somebody in the future is longing to go back to.

In my day my mom gave us kids pure uncooked gluten straight from the pan while dad shotgunned cigarette smoke up our noses with a straw. We survived. Wussy kids these days, I tell ya.

Dad, it appears your lifelong theory about the entire world going to hell in a handbasket was dead-on. 

When I was little, I didn't care about what to wear. My mom dressed me.. Looking back at my old pictures, it seems she didn't care either.

Indian Giver- the name itself is offensive. I was married to a Native American so I find that word offensive and actually racist so I will not use it here although it certainly applies.  But seriously WHO asks you to return the gift (a re-gifted gift no less) they have given you years earlier and then gets mad because you don't? When we give gifts, whether new or a pass-along, it really is the thought that counts. When we receive a gift, someone gave it to us. That effort deserves appreciation even if we think it might be a castoff; even if it isn’t something we want or even like. By no means ask for a gift back, especially a re-gifted gift. You are not in grade school any more.  That is just damn rude and unacceptable to me. There is a fine line between “important to me” and “dead to me.” Don’t walk it. People`s bullshit and fakeness are the main reasons why I like to be alone most of the time. See, I’m not anti-social, I’m selectively social. There’s a huge difference. I am going to write this one down in my "Things I don't give a crap about" notebook and forget about it.  I don't burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.

I won't end this blog on my usual Obama bashing. I'm on a PUTIN bashing roll. Is Poo Poo Putin reasserting Russian dominance in the world? Does Putin ultimately want to reclaim Finland for Russia? Stop right there. Finland was a part of the Russian Empire for 108 years but broke away in 1917 at the end of WWI. Finland was attacked at the beginning of WWII by those rampaging horde of godless commie bastards with Finland fighting the Winter War and the Continuation War in resistance. Finland is not a member of NATO, so any invasion of its land would not constitute an attack against all members of NATO, but  Finland IS a member of the European Union and any attack on Finland would be an attack to which a number of NATO countries are bound to defend their fellow member state. If Putin invaded Finland  that would give the EU an excuse to retaliate.  As for attacking Finland and the Baltic states.... that'd be WW3! Putin has what he wants - Crimea. Remember this is where the pipelines flow to the Black Sea and also provides a port for his surface war fleet. This is not entirely about Ukraine.  It was and is about access to the Black Sea and the fear of losing it to the EU. Crimea gives Russia a navel base, access to the south Atlantic and Mid east sea lanes. That is the real story. Putin is a godless commie bastard. He is a threat to all mankind, not just the smaller countries on his commie bastard borders. 

Yes, it is I. I am Poo-Poo Putin. I am a ruthless and godless commie bastard. 

Oh, I just cannot end without bashing Obama. Mr. President, why do you want the whole world to think of you as America's first black President? You are not. Your father (Barack Hussein Obama I) was a full blood Negro being born Nyang'oma Kogelo, Nyanza Province, Kenya and your  mother (Stanley Ann Dunham) was a white Caucasian woman being born in Wichita, Kansas. You are Mulatto dude. Face it. Get over it. First black President my ass.  

Ut-oh, I think I just went over my Bitch quota for the day. That's it for now, got things to do. Until next time. If you guys ever need anything always remember I’m just an unanswered phone call away.

Make sure May 24, 2014 is circled on your skywatching calendars

Set your alarm clocks on May 23 and 24.........If any of you are interested (obsessed like myself?) the newly discovered shower from comet 209P/LINEAR is coming soon. In a few days SOON. NASA and their computer models predict that, this year, we may encounter the debris of every one of this comet’s last two dozen passes all at once on the morning of May 24,  with no bright moon in the sky hindering it!  The debris that will strike our upper atmosphere on Saturday will not be from this year's pass. Instead, it is calculated that the comet shed all this debris as long ago as the late 1700s and early 1800s. What is truly exciting about this particular comet is that the dust it left behind in previous years will be impacting the atmosphere of the Earth. Remember - early on the morning of Saturday, May 24th (and very late Friday night on the West Coast). It probably won't last more than an hour or two but its timing  favors ALL of North America. The peak will be between 2:30 and 3:30 a.m. Eastern Daylight Time, about midnight Pacific Daylight Time, 1 a.m. Mountain Daylight Time, or 2 a.m. Central Daylight Time. Hopefully that gives most of you the approximate time if you want to try to view this event. 

If predictions are right, the Northern United States are ideally situated to see 100 to 400 meteors per hour (which is called a meteor outburst), and possibly many more, 1000 per hour (a meteor storm such as I witnessed in November 1966). Front row seats! NASA predicts the best time to watch the meteor shower is Saturday, May 24, from midnight to dawn.  The Monterey Institute for Research in Astronomy, is placing the likelihood closer to 80 per hour. Comets are notoriously unpredictable but whoever is correct, I don't care, I will be out there looking low in the north beneath the North Star. This will be an historic event - seeing a brand new meteor shower. The radiant of the meteor shower is just south of Polaris (the ‘North Star’) in the constellation of Ursa Minor — the "Little Bear". To simplify where to look - Ursa Minor is the Little Dipper and the star at the end of the Little Dipper handle is Polaris, the North Star. 

Grab a reclining lawn chair, a blanket and enjoy the show

When I was 14 years old  the November 1966 Leonid meteor storm covered our western Washington sky. Not meteor showers - a meteor STORM. This was only 4 years after the 1962 Seattle World's Fair. The World's Fair's theme had been our future in space, our space travel, etc.  My Dad and I would often go out and watch the stars, sharing his telescope -  discussing strange phenomena, UFOs, and other offbeat 'probable' topics.  This night my Dad had worked the nightshift, got home around 11:30 p.m. As usual he would read the newspaper when he got home and then go to bed. He woke me up about 1 or 2 in the morning and literally dragged me outside onto the front lawn. What we saw was amazing. There were shooting stars everywhere we looked, coming from every direction. Non stop meteors. Tens of thousands. Fireballs also. They filled the sky! They were literally raining down on us. I swear there was not one area of the sky that was dark - it was completely filled with falling meteors. It had been determined (later) that those meteors were falling at 40-50 per second (144,000 per hour)! My Dad and I (and our dog Shep) spent about 20 minutes out there totally mesmerized by the experience (It was a short duration meteor storm). At 14 years old I thought the world was coming to an end. We both would instinctively shield our eyes, even though we had our heads looking straight up  It was an experience I will never forget. It was frightening yet I was equally awestruck.    My Dad had his arm around me and my dog Shep was lying next to me. Shep was very nervous. We thought he was expecting thunder-like noises because to him it probably looked like lightening strikes, without the noise of course. He was deathly afraid of thunder.  All 3 of weathered the cold Washington State air lying on the wet grass to witness this once in a lifetime event. With all of the excitement my Dad never even grabbed a blanket before heading out. Neither of us would abandon this spectacular event to run inside to get one. Not me, for sure - I wasn't convinced that one of those falling meteors wasn't going to obliterate me if I moved. Nope, I just stayed right there. Seriously I thought something bad was going to be the finale - like me, my Dad and our dog dissipating - into nothing. Hey, I was 14. We were so lucky to have witnessed this - it was a "clear" western Washington sky which in itself was a miracle. How often does that happen? Not often in Washington State, that's for sure.

The 66' Leonids - Something like this but even more strong

It is very rare for a person to actually witness a meteor storm because they certainly are not common. My friend Noreen witnessed the 1946 Draconids storm which produced several thousand meteors within an hour. I witnessed the 1966 Leonid storm which was even more stronger. Together we plan on witnessing this 'possible' new meteor storm together - in my open meadow unobstructed back yard. All are welcome to join us. If it doesn't turn out to be a meteor 'storm', it surely will still be an awesome meteor shower - because it is NEW and never seen before. Worth setting an alarm clock for, right? If predictions are wrong, which I don't think they will be - well, whatever, I will just add that to my ever growing list of disappointments. 

Not ending this blog with my normal Obama discontent - this time is Poo-Poo Putin's turn.  Putin's actions violates international law and international treaties Russia has signed before. Here is what I see. It’s a game of godless pinko commie bastard (aka: Russian) roulette with a guy who is just f***ing unstable and is never going to play by the rules. He's a thug. He's a  Bolshevik, Leninist, Leninite, Maoist, Marxist, Stalinist all rolled into one.  Soon we will see the Cossak hats, the red star, CCCP and the hammer and sickle everywhere we look.  Take this sonofabitch out!

P.S. If any of you witness this meteor event let me know what you saw!

Growing up in Issaquah - Part IV

I don’t have Facebook, Instagram or Google + so I thought you all should know I had  a Starbucks Latte this morning. I also saw a rainbow. Now if the Sun, Fog and Rain in San Francisco were on Facebook, this is probably what you would see:

Sun: "It's my moment to shine"

Fog: "Yeah, for another 2 hours. Good luck with that." 

Rain: "I'm coming for you bitches"

 So here is what I have learned this week. According to the seven citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” is not what I thought it was. Who knew? WTH? I mean seriously let's talk about privacy. And let's include Facebook (because I never get tired of slamming Facebook).  I’ve never met so many people more worried about their “privacy” than ALL of the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING about themselves. Some of you have more posts about your private life in a day than I have thoughts. When my dog sniffs another dog’s butt I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page. 

Oh whoopsy, I just embarrassed my dog Skye-Pilot! Stop looking at her!

I should say ” I should not be telling you this,” at the beginning of every blog so people will listen to what I’m saying.

My childhood years were really simple times. I didn't know anyone who had been divorced, except my dad's brother. My Dad brewed his own beer and made root beer for us kids. Sometimes he made me  toys in his workshop, later which he turned into a sauna.   I still remember him making tin can (Campbell's Soup) telephones for my friend, Marbet and I. He painted them pink and scribbled 'Finland' on mine and 'Iceland' on hers. Not only could we call one another but hey, it was long distance.  I was in the house on the hill above her house. It took a lot of kite string, but we were kids and we thought that was the best thing in the world. One day I could hear her yelling from her driveway - "Answer your phone!" Well, apparently I didn't hear my tin can phone ringing. I should have told my Dad right then and there that he would never have a career in the telephone business because he forgot to add the 'ringer' to my can telephone but I didn't want to hurt his feelings.  Our houses were close enough that we could actually just yell at one another, but the tin can telephones - well, they were magical. The only real problem we had was stringing the kite string high enough into my Maple tree to make it high enough to cross over the road between us. That is how her little brother came in handy (climb higher....HIGHER).

I learned to swim in the Issaquah Creek. I don't ever recall that creek being anything but hella cold. Our summers were short so I suppose that is normal when the sun is never in the sky long enough to warm the creek waters. 

Issaquah Creek

I still love Mountain Bars (made in Tacoma (hint hint hint to my friend Savana) and cannot find them anywhere here in California., the original vanilla Mountain Bar not the cherry or the peanut butter, the original. Named after Mt. Rainier.  

I grew up on  Nehi Soda, NuGrape, Honey Dew (made in the Seattle area), some  brand of Sarsparilla, Orange Crush (still my favorite)  RC, Dr. Pepper, Shasta soda (another northwest brand), YooHoo chocolate (still drink it today)  Seven-up, Pepsi, Coca-Cola, and Schweppes Ginger Ale . My son still laughs at me when I say "I want a Pop".  I don't want a soda or a soft drink. It's called "Pop" where I come from. Soda is POP, that's all there is to it. Just like I pronounce WaRshington with an R - it's just a Washingtonian thing. 

When (and I should correct that to say "if") we went on vacation, we camped. Sometimes to places unknown to me but more often than not  we went to Whidbey Island, 

Whidbey Island Double Bluff Beach where you can see Mt. Rainier, Mt. Baker, the Cascades, the Olympic Mountain Range and sometimes if it is clear you can even see downtown Seattle

or to Green River Gorge.  That is where I saw my first baby bear cub. Yes, I am referring to "that" Green River.  The river where  "The Green River Killer" dumped all those bodies of his 50+ victims many years later.

Green River Gorge

We camped in the thick stands of beautiful Douglas Fir, in old canvas tents. If I  recall correctly I think one was a  military tent because it was soooo huge. But, I WAS a kid and everything was huge back then. There was always that scent of mildew inside the tents. No doubt just from the fact we did in fact live in Washington where wetness and mildew are a fact of life. Our forests were lush with Oregon Grape, stinging nettles, strange huge mushrooms, beautiful green lacey ferns, huge banana slugs, crystal clear rivers and creeks and lots of moss. Beautiful.  Often times, my Dad would go camping or fishing with his friends and he would take me with him. I would be the only child there.  I was about 6 or 7.  That was my age when my Dad started calling me  'spark plug',  meaning I ignited his life.  All his friends either called me 'Sis" or "Ed's Shadow". Nobody called me Vickie back then.   I don't remember too much about the fishing part of any of our camping trips, maybe because I found fish to be gross and for some reason they scared me.  I remember hiking with my Dad to look for  bears, I remember seeing his laughing friends in the middle of the water with their fishing poles in one hand and a bottle of Rainier beer in the other. I ate peanut butter sandwiches, drank hot cocoa, had my Dad's beer pancakes and chili with those little oyster crackers for dinner. On our return trips home,  I was always given strict instructions to watch my language and not tell any tales. It was an early lesson in the motto "what you see here, stays here."   I am sure the stories that were spun as all those adult beverages made the rounds around our campfire were the first things I had forgotten because I didn't understand most of them anyway.   I know those men's campfire conversations were no doubt  peppered with C***sucker, sonofabitch, and other choice scatalogical references that I was to never repeat. And true to my father, I never repeated them. Until later in life that is.

Actually there were advantages of growing up in little Issaquah. I grew up my whole life with the same people,  attended the same schools and knew without a doubt who I could trust. Do you have those friends where you can’t even remember how you became friends but you were just suddenly friends? For me I guess it was because we all grew up together. There was only one elementary school in our town. There was only one Jr. High. There was only one High School. This was great, because you got to go to school with everyone from kindergarten to senior year no matter what part of the town you lived in. They all knew you by face and name. Or reputation. I always tried to behave but there were usually too many other options. My friends - they know about the time that I peed my pants in second grade. They even know the when, where, and who I lost my virginity to! When I was a kid I would be tromping through the woods alone, climbing trees, catching frogs and talking to the hobo's on the railroad tracks on my way to school.  When I was a kid, my social network was called “outside”. Never afraid of anyone or anything. Well, maybe frightened once.  For sure. Yes,  I was truly frightened once while in the woods. My friend Debbie and I were hiking up to Round Lake and Lake Tradition. Back then you didn't call any trek out into the woods hiking. We were just walking, even though it was all up hill. We were headed to the one spot that overlooked the entire town and  provided a beautiful view of Lake Sammamish, I-90, the gravel pits, etc. 

We were teen-agers, talking about this or that - who knows, probably about boys, plans to sneak out after dark - typical teen-age stuff. Something caught our eye to the right of us. Big. Yellow. Long tail. It would glance at us then look forward, all the while just casually walking. We didn't take our eyes off of it. It saw us. We saw it. Of all the things our parents had taught us - well, they went down the drain as if those words were never spoken. "Never run from a mountain lion or bear. It will chase you." That was always stressed to us because we were always in the woods. We lived in the woods, after all. Debbie and I both ran - ran like hell. We ran like Paarvo Nurmi, the infamous "Flying Finn". 

We were by all means literally 'flying'. Neither one of us were brave enough to look back. We didn't know if it was following us or not. Our only thoughts were to get off that mountain, run down that narrow trail to the railroad tressel - to the safety of our homes.

We flew down that trail, neither of us saying one word to one another. How could we - we were running so fast we probably couldn't speak if we had wanted to. At the bottom of the trail I ran south and she ran northwest. Now that I think about it - when we started running after seeing the mountain lion, we probably startled him (or her) and it probably ran in the opposite direction. I should have listened to my Dad - and not ran. It's amazing what panic will do - it just takes over. What I know about mountain lions today - well, I can only say that Debbie and I are lucky to not have been "lunch". After that day we were always leary about going to Round Lake. It was too remote of a place to be. We continued though, but in larger groups of friends. Safety in numbers. Today, one of King County's favorite hiking trails is where you would take off from where the High School is at now and go up along side the hill up to the power line and then follow that over to Round Lake and then from there over to Lake Tradition and then back down the other power line and down the hill past the old railroad trestle and then back down to town. Yes, the same exact route Debbie and I took when we saw the Mountain Lion. The old railroad trestle is gone. What a shame. It was fun crossing it as kids. Damn scary - but fun. Dangerous and stupid, but fun.

That's it for Part IV, I have decided to leave my past behind me - for now. So if I owe you money, I'm sorry but I've moved on and so should you. Sarcasm: confusing  people and pissing off people everywhere. I have an excuse - I’m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I’m stuck in a tree. I have been writing this blog in my Fort Bear tree house. Come on guys, don't take me so literal. But seriously I wish to congratulate my friend Laura and how amazingly she has trained her dogs to do whatever she wants. Check this out:

Good job Laura! Send this fella over - I have some work that needs to be done!

As I depart this blog I wish to say -

Dear President Obama: Not that it is ANY of your damn business but I just wish to clarify that I don`t own any assault weapons. All mine are defensive. I’m pretty busy today, so if you, President Obama could  just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks! And by the way it is factually known that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian Roulette- have you thought about trying it? Maybe you and Poo-Poo Putin can do it together? 

(And if you could hear a conversation between Putin and Obama right now:

Obama to Putin:

"Vlad, I'm going to say this one more time. Stop it! This is the 21st century. We can't redraw territorial lines just because you use military force. Now stop it now or else.... I'll draw another red line. I mean it this time.")

Part III, a little "Cold War secrecy", a little bit about godless commie bastards and just because I speak my mind because it hurts too much to bite my tongue

So soon you ask? Didn't we just read Part II? Hey, it's raining and I have nothing else to do today. So don’t go getting your panties in a bunch (The nicer ones are sold individually anyway).

I bet all of you blog readers think you want to bring me back to reality huh? You’re assuming I’ve been there before?
(Cuz Harju - I tried, I really tried to keep this short. So for you - damn it just grab a cup of coffee and say "Oh, ok I will sit through this for my wonderful cuz in California, because I know she gets carried away". Kiitos in advance!)

Before I continue my blog my big questions for the day are- 

1. Why didn't the person who invented braille just put the dots in shape of the actual letters? I’ll never understand that. Anybody got an answer to that? ANYBODY? 

2.  Why is it that wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it would not be useful in any actual combat situation. 

3. Isn't it amazing how the simple potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka? Get your shit together, every other vegetable. Seriously.

4. Don't you just hate it when Doctors ask questions like . . . “Are you sexually active?” Umm, I suppose that depends on what they mean by “active”. There are a lot of “active” volcanoes that haven’t gone off in over 50 years.

5. How do we expect kids today to listen to their parents when Pinocchio lies all the time, Tarzan runs around half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Alladin is a thief, Batman drives at crazy speeds in excess of 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty never gets out of bed, and Snow White lives with 7 guys? 

My advice for the day is- 

It’s pointless to ask your dogs which one of them farted but if you don’t ask they might think it was you.

Also, I just recently discovered my oven can clean itself! Naturally I will be searching my entire house looking for similar buttons. You should do the same. 

What day is today? Oh yes, this is important. To all of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.

Getting back to Part III of this particular blog story - I should have mentioned in the very beginning that nine months before I was born, I went to a party with my Dad Ed and left with my Mom Winnie. Oh wait - that isn't what I wanted to say. I wanted to say that I bet all my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now. Where did I go wrong you ask? I still have plans to be someone. I really do. I’m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what you all are thinking. That's freak'n crazy. That is why I will be going at night. See, I am not the crazy ass dittsy Finn blond that you all think I am huh? I accept your apologies, thank you. 

It just so happens that Part III of my bog pertains to Russia. I do not like what is happening in Russia right now. No one's ruling out the possibility of additional Russian military aggression with what is happening right now. Do we not see the gravity of the situation? Putin just bit off a piece of Crimea, does anyone think he's going to stop there? Hell no, he's a Communist. We all know how Communists work. Is this President Putin in a vodka-and-caviar induced rage? Putin's declaration of Russia's right to invade its neighbors scares the hell out of me. And this is why. When I was age 10, we were in the "Cold War secrecy"  living under the the fear (and threat) of Soviet attack.  Anti-aircraft missiles sat "at the ready" on our Cougar Mountain. We were in fact a last line of defense against a Soviet air attack, one of 13 Nike installations in and around Puget Sound. Those Nike Ajax missiles readied for the bombers that would come screaming across the Bering Strait from the Soviet Union. Not many people know this fact about our little town. The Cougar Mountain site was deactivated in 1964 and it became the Cougar Mountain Regional Wildland Park, a forested 3,100-acre preserve. All of my childhood it was stressed about the evils of the Soviet Union. My father built a bomb shelter in our basement and had it fully stocked. Only very close neighbors and relatives knew about it. My father had very good reason to fear the Soviet Union. His parents immigrated from their homeland of Finland to escape the horrors of being controlled by Russia. I will not go into what the Russians did to my Finnish relatives but suffice to say I still have not nor will I ever forgive them. My family history is written in blood, at the hands of the Soviet Union. They cruelly invaded their tiny neighbor Finland in 1939. Unless you were of Finnish heritage you would probably have no memory whatsoever of the power and ambition that once drove the Soviet Union (and apparently does now). It was a terrible era of war and suffering. The Russians were nothing more than a rampaging horde of godless commie bastards. I am so proud of how a tiny nation of dedicated Finnish riflemen defended their country against one of the largest armies the world has ever known. 

There are so many Russians, and our country so small, where will we find room to bury them all?” —Anonymous Finnish soldier

Soviet troops assaulted positions manned by a little more than 21,000 Finns.The Soviets were disorganized and totally unprepared, barely trained and with no preparation for the rugged terrain of Finland.  No skis, no snow camouflage, and without any proper winter clothing. It was exceptionally cold. Temperatures dropped below -40° in some places. Frostbite was a constant threat, and the corpses of soldiers killed in battle froze solid, often in eerie poses.

This January 31, 1940 photo shows a frozen dead Russian soldier, his face, hands and clothing covered in snow.

The resulting slaughter of Russian troops brought no tears from Moscow, they simply did not care how many they lost. The entire world  learned how little the Soviets valued human life, even their own countrymen. Thankfully for the Finns most of their small arms shared the same ammunition as their Soviet opponents. The more guns and rifles they captured, the more guns and ammunition they had to use. The Finns gained their supplies the hard way—they took them off the dead bodies of their enemies.  They had superior fieldcraft and fighting spirit, or what every Finn calls Sisu. Their cross-country skiing skills and marksmanship were undeniable.  Finnish marksmanship became legendary. One Finn sniper, Simo Häyhä, dressed in white winter camouflage only carried with him a day’s worth of supplies and ammunition.  He actually kept snow in his mouth so his breath wouldn't give up his position. He used iron sights which presented the smallest possible target for the enemy, (commie snipers he smoked out were given away by a glint of light reflecting off the lenses of their scopes.). While hiding out in the snow, he would then take out any Russian stupid enough to wander into his kill-zone (long-range silent death to anyone with a red star on his hat!). He attributed his deadly sniping skills to “practice”. Throughout the war, this awesome Finn raked in a total of 505 confirmed sniper kills (in some sources he is credited with 542).  On top of this, he also mowed down two hundred men with his Suomi 9mm submachine gun, bringing his total kill count to over 700 men in under 100 days, earning him the nickname “The White Death”. He was regarded as the most hardcore sniper there ever was scoring enough kills to make f***ing RoboCop and the Terminator hide their heads in shame. Nobody in history has ever been credited with more confirmed kills than Simo Häyhä.  He used his Finnish patience, his knowledge of the Finnish forests, his cunning and impeccable rifle marksmanship to defend his country, his home, his people and his freedom from the communist totalitarian oppression of the Soviet Union.  Simo had been a member of the Finnish organization "suojeluskunta" in his hometown. This was the Finnish equivalent of the National Guard or Militia, or the equivalent to the minutemen of the American Revolution. "High five" to any Militia group! While the Soviet forces did not accomplish their communistic objective of the total conquest of Finland, they did however gain substantial territory along Lake Ladoga, and territory in Northern Finland. The Finns, however, retained their sovereignty and enhanced their international reputation.

Simo Häyhä,  an unstoppable killing machine to which the likes of which the world has never known before or since. A true Hero and a true BadAss

A tiny nation of extremely talented riflemen had held off the communist Red giant. The Finns suffered greatly to preserve their freedom. For those of you unfamiliar with Finland's Winter War here are some facts: The Soviet army which invaded Finland in late 1939, massed approximately 1,500,000 troops. By the time peace was declared in March of 1940, Russia had managed to steal 22,000 square miles of Finnish territory. Although the Russians had gained this Finnish territory, it came at a very high price. They had lost one million men in the short conflict.  A Russian General later said. "We gained 22,000 square miles of territory. Just enough land to bury our dead".  Yes, an extraordinarily high price. Those 1,000,000 men were killed by Finn soldiers or by the harsh Finnish winter. The Soviets also lost 1000 aircraft and 2,300 tanks. But for their commie bastard efforts they did manage to steal away the homes and property of some 420,000 Finn's, at a price of 40 Russian soldiers killed for every Finnish soldier killed. 25,000 Finns died and another 55,000 were wounded as a result of this conflict. I think this message is clear. Large aggressors such as those godless commie bastards can win a war, but they generally lose the battle. This war cost them dearly. Hitler, after seeing how "small" Finland stood up to the big bad Red Russian Bear, decided to invade the Soviet Union as a result of the inadequate Soviet Army. I mean why not? Finland opened up an extra-large can of whoop-ass and gave the Commies the ball-sack kicking they deserved. If Finland could do it, then Hitler thought he could do it too. But.........there was a twist of fate, death on a major scale was then visited upon Russia for her transgressions, and likewise on Germany for hers. I salute Finland for deciding that their freedom was worth any cost. With very little help from the outside world, this proud nation kept its sovereignty through its own will and determination. I am proud to be a Finn!

Finnish ski troops and their reindeer. They certainly knew how to fight a war in bitter temperatures

My Dad who was a vodka drinker would not even allow any Russian vodka in the house.
Getting back to the "Cold War secrecy" it is at this age that I almost got to see our President Kennedy - he was to attend the World's Fair. But.....President Kennedy, we were all told  had a bad cold and would not make his planned appearance at the 1962 Seattle World's Fair. I had been to the World's Fair more times than I can think - it was the "happening' thing for months.

My friends and I would take the bus to Seattle and one of the parents would pick us up later that evening. I had already seen Elvis Presley at the Fair, he was the biggest attraction at the World’s Fair (besides the Seattle Space Needle of course) and he had been there for ten days filming It Happened At the World’s Fair. 

Disappointed in the movie - in a scene showing the inside of the restaurant the windows can clearly be seen rotating, while the outside scenery remained unchanged. In the actual Space Needle restaurant the effect would have been exactly the opposite.  The entire restaurant rotated, the outside view, and not the windows, would have moved . Way to screw things up MGM studio. 

But to see our President - that would have been totally exciting. Of course at my age I wasn't all that familiar with him, but I sure thought he was handsome and I loved his Massachusetts accent. Our President had no cold, felt ill or otherwise. It was all a line of bullshit. This excuse of course coincided with the discovery of Soviet missiles in Cuba which in turn pushed the United States and the Soviet Union (both of which were nuclear-armed superpowers) to the edge of "OH SHIT!" His faked illness provided an excuse for Kennedy to skip the spotlight of closing the World's Fair and address this very real crisis. Getting back to our anti-aircraft missiles on Cougar Mountain - the actual number of close calls remains unknown to civilians living in the area. There were many, many times when sites were alert to potential threats that the we, the public, never knew about. I'm glad I never knew about these threats. I suppose the only time we would have been in danger is if war had been declared. Thank you President Kennedy for doing your job. It's too bad President Obama cannot even come close to doing his job - or even know how to do his job.

And that is the end of Part III but lastly I want to draw attention to those Danes in Denmark! What will they think of next? A Danish travel company worried about the decline of births in Denmark is trying to encourage the Danes to have more sex. so they placed an ad. It's called the  "Do it for Denmark" campaign. The ad is as follows:
"Book your holiday with our ovulation discount. Get it on. And prove you conceived a child to win a three-year supply of baby stuff and a child friendly holiday," it says. But if you've already had children or can't have children, don't despair, the company says. "Just remember all the fun is in the participation."
All I can say about this is that the Danes should be seeing this (you know - having more sex) as doing their patriotic duty! I wish to thank those wonderfully crazy Danes for putting a smile on my face - that ad is priceless. I kid you not. It's real. As real as the Soviets being a rampaging horde of godless commie bastards.
Oh I guess I wasn't done after all. I just want you all to know in order to start my deer breeding business here in Northern California I’m going to need at least 5,000 bucks.

Ending on my usual bitch:  OBAMA
I don't care whether you are a Democrat, a Republican, a Conservative or a liberal, be aware of the attitude and character of this sitting President. From his book Audacity of Hope:
"I will stand with the Muslims should the political winds shift in an ugly direction."