Coronavirus and a bored Vickie

Yes, I am back. It's hard to believe that I have not written my blog for 3 years. Apparently I was busy? Doing what I have no damn idea. My daughter told me to get off my butt and do it again. Blame her. I don't apologize for what comes out of my mouth. I can't help it. It's me. Deal with it.

So, today's blog forecast is partly boring, with increased Coronavirus drama, and a really good chance of bulls**t.

After this lockdown is over I am going back to Issaquah, Washington to dig up that time capsule I buried as a kid. Can't wait to see how much my brother's puppy grew.

The last time I was at the local bar with my friends Debby and Pam I pointed to three hags sitting across the bar from us. I told them "That's us in 10 years." Pam and Debby just looked at each other, with that WTF? look on their faces. Patti had just walked in and overheard me. Patti said "That's a mirror stupid". Patti said I was nucking futs. Debby and Pam agreed.

If and when they resurrect the Big Wheels bar I hope they name it "Rehab".

Do not regret past mistakes, all decisions, good or bad, they led you to where you are today. Disregard this if you're in prison.
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Just my wandering thoughts:

With all this time on my hands and very little socializing, I came across a new restaurant. It's called "The Kitchen". I have to gather all the ingredients and make my own meals. I have no idea how this place is still in business.

This morning while I was enjoying my chai latte I watched the birds outside fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3-1. I wasn't sure which team to root for. Sad baseball season. The umpire was a Robin.

My doctor has always said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

I have never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium?

I think life is a bitch. My bitch.

My Mother preferred my imaginary friend over me.

Trust me I have a bit of experience with saying things that should probably just stay in my mouth

Building my tree house years ago was the biggest insult to the trees supporting it. "Here, I killed your friend. Here, hold him."

I now have permanent vision loss due to the excessive eye-rolling at the stupid liberals out there.

I thought Row vs. Wade was George Washington's decision when he reached the Delaware.

Never ever buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop. Or from Manton.


Just my Isolation Observations.....

Having trouble sleeping at night because you're worried about this coronavirus? I suppose the classic advice would be to count sheep. I say why not go a bit further. Count the sheep. Then name the sheep. Then negotiate the sale of the sheep. Then watch as the sheep are trucked away, knowing little of the fate that will befall them at their new home. See, now you're ready to cry yourself to sleep! Helpful?

I will be glad when this lockdown is over because I am starting to miss people I don't even like.

Walmart is out of batteries. I guess you single ladies really ARE staying home huh?

China has released the names of the first two people who got the Coronavirus. Sum Ting Wong and Ho Lee Fuk.

I spent 85% of my childhood grounded. This is nothing.

So if I violate the stay at home order, I can be arrested. But they are letting people out of jail so they don't get the coronavirus. Ok, that makes sense.

This is like being 16 again. Gas is cheap and my ass is grounded. I miss my freedom.

I imagine by now that a lot of husbands are ready to finally build that she shed.

Home schooling question: Does having your kid fix you mixed drinks count as chemistry?

If the Coronavirus had dirt on the Clintons, it would already be dead.

Is a booty call an "essential need" that we are allowed to leave the house for?......asking for a friend.

This quarantine has been teaching me all along; that the world is unpredictable, uncertain, and there’s nothing you can do to control it. I never thought the comment "I wouldn't touch him/her with a 6 foot pole" would become a national policy, but here we are. I'm excited that the phrase "Get the F**k away from me," is no longer rude but a public service announcement.

Not to hurt anyone's feelings but I'm having a quarantine party this weekend. Sorry, none of you are invited. It's for your own good.

I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks forward that we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone. This is just crazy.

Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under, right?

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I admit it, I used to spin that toilet paper roll like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

Heard a Dr. on TV say to get through the boredom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives. So I looked through the house to find all the things I've started but hadn't finished...so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay , a bodle of Jock Danielas, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss.

But on the bright side, my body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

This morning I saw my neighbor Marcia talking to her cat Kibbens.  It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came back into my house, told my 4 dogs..... we laughed a lot.

If you're feeling confined keep a glass of alcohol in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face. True story.

If I die from Coronavirus, don't let me vote Democrat.

Now that the beauty salons are closed it's about to get real ugly out there, right Patti?

This cleaning with alcohol is total B.S.. NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.

Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We’re told “no” if we get to close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides. Kinda’ starting to understand why my dogs try to run out of the house when the door opens.

I’m giving up drinking for the remainder of this self-isolation.  Sorry, bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Drinking for the remainder of this self-isolation.

Just remember this coronavirus won't last long. It was made in China. Nothing made in China lasts.

Seriously can you imagine the weight our President is feeling right now? When he signed up for this role (without pay) he did it for us...Americans. He didn’t do it for the fame or glory, he had all that. He was willing to take on whatever, but the magnitude of what we’re currently experiencing has got to be paralyzing. And to some, NOTHING he does is ever right or good enough. Do you ever wonder how he must be dealing with it all? When his head finally hits the pillow at night after press conferences and meetings, constantly trying to defend himself and protect our country at the same time can he even shut his mind off at all? He is carrying the weight of OUR country on his shoulders and I don’t think anybody could or would be doing a better job than he is. I think the  "Never Trumpers" out there should not cash their stimulus checks.

Sooo, of all the great books out there in the world, of all the masterful literary achievements around the globe, the brilliant writers, the insightful memoirs.......you've chosen to read this ridiculous blog and have learned absolutely nothing, right?