It's April already?

My greatest accomplishment for the last couple of months was keeping my mouth shut. Obviously that's a lie, because here I am blogging again. My Finnish cousin in FLORUBA asked where my blog from MEXIFORNIA was, so here it is.  I know you people that read my blog are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away. 

(Yep, sure enough -  my level of sarcasm’s gotten to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not)

My Finnish Sisu: 

When I come to the end of my rope, I tie a knot and hang on. I can hang on forever. I will never give up. I come to the end of my rope quite often, but I certainly know how to tie a good solid knot and hang on. So, if you ask me what I'm up to, I will probably respond with .....Just Hangin'

The Seattle Seahawks: 

Saw this late breaking story from ESPN Sportscenter..........

Pete Carroll, former head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, is reported to be very near to signing on as a special consultant to The Pope in Vatican City. The Pope looks to recruit Carroll to be a spokesman for the Catholic Church because he is the first man in history that made 100 million people jump up and yell "Jesus Christ!" at the same time. More information will be reported as this story is followed. (Not really, I am pretty disgusted with the Seattle Seahawks right now, can you tell?)

My April Complaints: 

You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

My Doctor said I am supposed to stop all dairy products. If I kick dairy won't I get the milk shakes? Don't think I can do it. I was raised on Darigold products. Life is too short for fake milk, butter, cheese or people. I think I would  have a better chance of surviving The Oregon Trail than giving up my dairy products!

I am really sick of these Liam Neeson's "Taken" movies. I think they should just make make a final “Taken” movie, about Liam Neeson’s character being under appreciated for trying to keep his family safe. Movie Title: “Taken 4: Granted”

The human knee is a lousy piece of engineering and I am thinking of my friend Noreen. This will help! 

I lost my mood ring, and to be perfectly honest - I’m not sure how I feel about this.

Just something to think about: 

Death is an objective fact. Would anyone dare to propose that death is a product of our imagination? I don’t think so. But on the other hand, none of us has yet seen our own death. So how can we know that our death is certain, if we haven’t seen it? We only know by an educated guess or a hypothesis. Everyone in the past has died, without exception. So it is reasonable to conclude that for us, too, death is an undeniable fact. Too "heavy" for you? Yeah, me too.

My April Questions:

Why the hell is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyway? I just think that's really odd. (I bet there’s probably an employee named Jake who works at State Farm, who’s had it with people’s jokes about this)

I spend a really unusual amount of time trying to figure out where the bruises on my body come from. Do I really even want to know?

My thoughts about America and My thoughts about Obama: 

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

Obama has deliberately weakened the command structure of our armed forces. I have read somewhere that there were more than 200 high ranking officers relieved of duty and many more have left the service. This is an unprecedented act done by any president in our history and it is very suspicious to say the least. If this doesn't open your eyes and start you rethinking your world view, then you can just stay wrapped in denial and continue singing with the unicorns and dancing in the rainbows. At least until the big awakening bursts your little utopian bubble.

My April Advice: 

Carry your gun everywhere you legally can and carry a trauma kit so you can, if needed, give first aid to those in need. It’s time to think about what you are prepared to do. Gear up. Evil is coming. Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.

Never make eye contact while eating a banana.

Our Universe: 

I think our universe is so damn awesome.  Like a giant toy store, and aren’t we lucky to live in the time we do instead of the middle ages when the quest for knowledge was punished by burning at the stake?

Speaking of the Universe: And then "something" created Saturn… and it liked it… So it put a ring on it.

As for earth, it's a beautiful place, no doubt about it, but it's an over-populated world with limited resources,  plenty of famine, disease, war, pestilence, natural disasters, and just plain old person-on-person violence. But,  where else are we gonna live?

Just the Truth:

Sometimes I look at all four of my dogs  and my heart physically hurts because I love them so much. People may laugh, but they only WISH they were as loved as any one of my dogs.

After a certain (non disclosed) amount of years on this Earth I have come to the conclusion that there are three types of people.  People  who stay when your life gets rough.  People who leave when your life gets rough.  People who make your life rough.

One fourth of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other three fourths of me is, well, an asshole. What can I say? I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions, or unnecessary conversations.

I totally disagree with the “World’s Oldest Profession” being prostitution because the first man to use a prostitute had to have some kind of job to pay her, right? Yeah, I'm right.

So, the last time I flew, this guy on the plane asked me "So, where are you going to?" (Seriously Dude?) My answer: I’m guessing it’s the same place you’re going. Geez, there really are some idiots in the world aren't there?

Shit happens, just step over it!

Obama took a private plane flight over an Indian Reservation in Parker Arizona -

It certainly appears that  the people in Arizona are looking for a change also.

In alcohol’s defense, I’ve  done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too. Admit it, so have all of you. I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking. Sometimes alcohol is the hand sanitizer for the soul.  To me, “drink responsibly” means not spilling it.

My morning Chai Tea Latte: The original first responder

I’m not totally saying I’m old and worn out, but I do make damn sure that I am nowhere near the end of my driveway on Tuesday trash day.

Did you ask me?

My dream job? It would definitely be the Karma delivery service.

My spirit Animal? My spirit animal might be that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure. Because sometimes I don't know why I do the things I do. Maybe the chicken saw someone from way back, you know, like high school. Just sayin’. Speaking of chickens - They are the only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. Ok, that's somewhat disgusting.

Sometimes I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a cute huggable puppy, or just a plate of nachos (Sometimes I wish I was full of nachos instead of emotions).

My parents were so lucky they survived my rebellious phase. It lasted quite a number of years. Me as a teenager: "That’s a horrible idea. Hell YES, let's do it! What time?"

Remember when teenage girls had diaries and  then they got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything on Facebook and get mad when people don’t. Go figure.

The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, it's like being a little kid again - I’ve forgotten where I was going and damn if I don't have to pee. Yep, cold weather gear is great until you have to pee.

For one of my dog’s birthday's I am going to steal a school bus and drive that dog and all the neighborhood's dogs around with all the windows down. What a birthday gift that would be, right?

True story - I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, but I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person. Hmmm, maybe I should rethink that statement. My friend Kara's new dog doesn't like me. Oh wait, her other dog Reasa does. It's confirmed. One must get to know me before they like me. Even canines. Having pets is weird if you really think about it. You don’t speak the same language, you create a strong bond by being around each other and you even sleep together. Sometimes you might accidentally step on their tail once in a while but at the end of the day, you’re best friends and you are from entirely different species. Yeah, it's weird.

If I was to ever date again (and that's highly unlikely) this would be my Facebook status: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …don't worry, will never happen. The dating or the Facebook.

Ok, ummmm...."American Sniper" proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work. My advice there? Mute your phone. You can't properly scope in on your target chit chatting with your Stateside wife! And why the hell do you have a cell phone in the battle zone anyway? Unreal.

Some people in my life: I see that your lights are on but I also see that someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.

My predictions for the year 2050: 

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest Country in the world, Mexifornia,formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the third language.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last Castro finally dies.  Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for fifth consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.

Gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2051.

63 Pakistanis died this morning. It was not a terrorist attack; a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .

And for any of you who leave your dogs unattended in vehicles, this is for you: 

(you may have to copy and paste)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=p4Zu-a1dWhk

In parting, just want to say: