Deja poo. The feeling that you’ve heard this shit before?

First off, I would like to say:

 I speak four languages:

english, profanity, sarcasm, and  real shit. 

I say it like it is. No apologies. Please refer to number 4 in my list of New Year's Resolutions.

Dear life. When I asked if 2014 could get worse than 2013 it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.  I should say, “Just kidding“ but I'm actually dead serious. I started out 2014 with a  serious right hand injury.  Not a good way to begin a new year if you are right handed. I would like to thank my friends who were there to help me because I am ever so grateful. Since January 1st I've become pretty proficient at being left-handed, but I'll be glad when I have full use of my dominant hand again. It is amazing how just the simple everyday things become a true challenge without the use of your dominant hand. Thank you Marcia, Laura, Noreen and Shana! 

Ok, enough of the 'niceness' - on to my overdue blog. Soooo, I begin my first blog of 2014 with saying that life begins just on the other side of not giving a crap.

My New Year's Resolutions: (and I might add, going good so far)

1. I will confine my exercise to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck.

2. Since I can’t undo my mistakes, I have decided to make bigger and more elaborate mistakes to overshadow them with.

3. I will rub soap in my eyes every morning to prepare for the pain of the day. The pain of what is happening to our country.

4. I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.

5. I will remember, when I am feeling sad - that I don’t look like I did in grade school. That will perk me up and make me smile.

6. I am going to solve global warming! It will be simple. I will set all my weather apps to Celsius.

My first questions for the year 2014:

If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend? Seriously, why?

Shouldn't some people use a glue stick instead of chap stick?

Does anyone agree with me that before Wal-Mart existed, you would have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman?

Science, where are we at with magic carpets? I have been waiting a very
L O N G time.
What if our entire universe is just in a tiny glass jar placed neatly on a shelf in an alien child’s room as a science project?


My thanks:

My Finnish cousins introduced me to Koskenkorva Salmiakki. Truly the spirit of Finland and a gift from the Finnish gods themselves
My thoughts don’t appear in bubbles over my head. That could be awkward.

My Admissions: 
I had excuses for everything when growing up.
Clark Elementary School- “He started it!”
Junior High- “It was a dare!”
High School- “I was drunk.”

Adulthood:-"I am no longer myself,  I would never be again. I am a forest cleared and subdivided. I am a city block washed empty by flood never to be refilled. I am Pompeii, buried, running for breath. What the hell is happening?"

As a child, my letters to Santa started something like this:
Dear Santa,
My brother did it.

When I die I want to be buried with a couple random animal bones from a reindeer or antelope or something just to screw with future archaeologists.

This last Christmas, I put mistletoe in my back pocket…so all the people I don’t like could kiss my A**

I never feel bad about not feeling bad about something I should feel bad about.

The Truth's out there:

This, my friends, was our life before we owned computers: 

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor was a person who swore a lot. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home, you know - that we always seemed to walk into. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a really long road trip. A mouse pad was where a mouse called home. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy - you just hoped nobody found out.

"Some assembly required" is IKEA for "here is a pine tree, pocket knife and some nails."  IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad was directly involved in the pro-Nazi New Swedish Movement. Why would anyone buy anything IKEA????

Doctor's say circumcision is painless. I say that is a total load of crap. My son was circumcised when he was born and he could not walk for nearly a year.

A dog wagging his tail to the right is happy, but a dog wagging to the left is stressed.

Never look back. If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe, she wouldn't have become a princess.

Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man's life.... Scoring and Ball Security.


What bothers me:
I hate that saying "When one door closes another one opens". Just re-open the damn door. Because that’s how doors work. Really, that is how they work. On the other hand, If one door closes and another door opens, you’re probably in prison. Good luck with that.

It pisses me off that when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer, it's considered "art and music".... but if I do it, I'm asked to leave Home Depot. That is just wrong.

I hate that phrase “kids will be kids” - I think it should be replaced with “Bad Parenting results in little jerks”

My Advice for the year 2014:
Be crazy.
Be stupid.
Be silly.
Be weird.
Be whatever.
Because life is too short to be anything but happy.

My thoughts on OBummer  (I mean Obama):
Remember when Obama said he'd be 'the most transparent President ever' ?????
Then his administration shuns the media and cries when reporters ask tough questions.
Remember when Obama ran on 'Hope and Change' ?????
And then he became entangled in scandal after scandal?
Remember when Republicans said he did not have any qualifications to be President????
And then he proved them right?

Our Country is going to hell.

Everything is going to be alright, maybe not today, but eventually.

Maybe.
Maybe my cousins in Finland will take me in, far far away from America. 
Away from Obama, the new and revised HITLER.

Until the next blog - you know - like, round the corner, and that blog will start with something like this:

I have a lot of subject matter out there that will forever remain unwritten because I am not exactly sure when the statute of limitations (criminal or social) will have truly expired. Is there a statute of limitations on the indiscretions of my youth and the embarrassment they may have caused my family? I am so glad I was young, wild and crazy before there were cell phones and evidence. Technology could have really caused me some trouble. You know - I'm from "back in the day" when you had to buy an entire shitty album just for the 2 decent songs. 

(Yes, cousin Harju, it will be the long one, but just for you I shall write it in installments....hahaha!)

P.S. Dear NSA, 
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
Sincerely, Me