My Thoughts for the day:
The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day. Especially true when it comes to grandchildren!
I think the only people who appreciate change are babies in wet diapers.
I’m a firm believer that you need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape.
If I ever become president, everyone will receive a pet unicorn, pink rocket shoes and a dragon to fly. This is my promise to you.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons. Both are valuable.
My Questions for the day:
Is Mitt actually short for Mittens Romney?
If you hear “I need to talk to you” does that one sentence have the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life, or is it just me?
My Admissions for today:
If you don’t do some really stupid things when you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old. I’m smiling a lot nowadays.
I’m actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything in the year 2011. Oh wait. I survived 2011. I suppose I did in fact accomplish something.
I know my limits. I just don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
About the Moon:
It's said that a full moon can cause people to go crazy. That means the moon has been conducting psychological warfare against us for ages, right? The moon hides in it's own shadow about once a month. This is when it plots against us. Of course anything that can do this is inherently evil. It's every six months or so that it hides in the earths shadow...but then it turns blood red as it unleashes its death rays upon us, the unsuspecting. Since the moon controls the tides, it's responsible for the creation of such evils as tidal waves and surfer dudes. The moon always keeps the same side facing the earth. What is it hiding on the other side? Most scientists agree it's acres and acres of pot.
You know - we left some moon buggies parked on the moon. I'll bet the hubcaps are missing.
Always a Washingtonian:
To my algebra teacher in High School: “Well, just as I expected - another year gone by and I didn’t use algebra once”.
The banana slug in Washington grows up to 9 inches long. It’s ugly. It’s disgusting. Why am I telling you this? Because I can see it in my mind and I want you to see it in your mind too!
The state flag of Washington has a green background behind a picture of George Washington holding a Starbucks cup of half-caf-double-shot-extra-foam-vanilla-soy cappuccino.
The state flower of Washington is mildew.
Washington produces more apples than any other state in the nation but for some reason, Bill Gates gets really annoyed when you say that in front of him. (Apples, Apples, Apples!)
King County, where I was born and raised is Washington's largest county. It was originally named after William King, who was vice president under President Franklin Pierce. It was "re-named" in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King. Between the original naming and the re-naming it may also have been named in honor of Stephen King, Rodney King, Billie Jean King, and possibly even Sgt. Preston's dog, for all I know.
The oldest continually operating gas station in America is in Zillah, Washington. It hasn't changed much since it opened in 1873, and it still accepts payments by either cash or beaver pelt.
Credence Clearwater Revival had a #1 hit song with "Who'll Stop The Rain?" I’m pretty damn sure they were singing about my homestate.
My experience with yellow-jackets:
They tend to build nests where they best piss people off.
While bees will only sting in defense of themselves or their hive, a yellow-jacket will sting you just because he's a f**king jerk.
While many people would think the yellow-jacket is closely related to the bee, I feel it's actually more related to the badger.
While bees collect pollen to make honey for food, I don't know what the hell yellow-jackets eat. I think it's like birds, rodents, and small children.
I am waging war on the yellow-jackets at my house ever since eight of the little demon spawn attacked me for no reason. Maybe a Super-Soaker full of deadly chemical agents. Aim, spray, then run like Hell. Then later I can return and bash their nest with my ninja sword to my heart's content. Chemical warfare will probably just make them mad or something (not like they aren't that way anyhow). I think I may have to resort to some tactical nuclear strikes to control the situation.
Wildlife In My Forest:
If you shoot a bear for stealing your picnic basket, it’s not considered self-defense. Especially if you also shoot and kill his little tag-along.
During a thunderstorm, stay away from Buck deer. Their antlers attract lightning bolts. Each Buck gets struck by lightning an average of eight times per year.
Just wondering......
It is hard for me to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the cost of living.
Is George Washington the only president who didn’t blame the previous administration for his troubles?
Are cell phones the only thing men sit around and brag about who’s got the smallest?
I have this obsessive and relentless need to end each blog on a joke. I struggle at trying to tell jokes, because I always start laughing in the middle of them....but here goes.....and yes I do know that I end my blog's on the same joke.
Barack Obama
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