2015 is almost over - YAY!

Today’s Mood ? Bitchy With A Chance Of Sarcasm. Typical day for me. When I write this blog I always feel that there is a great need for a sarcasm font. After all sarcasm is my body’s natural defense against stupid. It’s been an exhausting month of pretending I’m a pleasant person and I think I'm emotionally constipated. I just can't seem to give a sh*t, but just to clarify for those who do not understand me... I don't have an attitude, I have a defined sarcastic character. Sarcasm is my first language and swearing is probably my second.

And now it's time to do my blog. You have time to .......run.

The Truth. Yes, 13 truths:

1. Today I Placed my Smith and Wesson .357 revolver on the table right next to my front door. I left six cartridges beside it, then left it alone and went about my business. While I was busy doing stuff, the mailman delivered my mail,  a lady walked her dog down the street, and quite a few cars drove down my street. After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was quietly sitting there, right where I had left it. It had not moved itself outside. It had not killed anyone, certainly, even with the numerous opportunities it had presented to do that. In fact, it had not even loaded itself. Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the hype by the Left and the media about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people. Either the media is wrong or I'm in possession of the laziest damn gun in the world.

The United States is 3rd in murders throughout the world. But if you take out just four  'left-wing' cities: Chicago, Detroit, Washington DC and New Orleans -- the United States is 4th from the bottom, in the ENTIRE World, for murders. These four cities are controlled by Democrats. They also have the toughest Gun Control laws in the USA. It would be absurd to draw any conclusions from this data, right? Well, I'm off to check on my spoons now.  I hear they 're making people fat.

2. I disappear from sight on full moons just to make people wonder.

3. Some people are like pennies. Two-faced and worthless.

4. Hard times will always reveal TRUE FRIENDS...Friendship is not about who you’ve known the longest. It’s about who has walked into your life, said I’m here for you and proved it. Thank you Noreen and Dave for being there for me when the dog bit me in the face. Don't know what I would have done without you two!

5. I have gotten out of bed 365 days a year for 63 years. That is 22,995 sit-ups. And not ONE decent abdominal muscle to show for it.

6.  “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer your doctor is looking for when he asks you if you are sexually active.

7. Don’t ever ask me for childcare advice unless you want pure nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

8. True story: The reason why daughters love their dad the most is that there is at least one man in the world who would never hurt her.

9. I think families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.

10. The one thing  that I miss about being on Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don’t even have to hide a body.

11. My thoughts on friendships:  My trick is to not let anyone know how really weird I am until it’s too late for them to back out.

12.  I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a  Finlandia distillery first, and then I'm proud to say I'm drinking  glacial spring water. Can't wait to try the 2015 new Finlandia flavor which is called  Nordic Berries, made out of Lingonberries, cloudberries, and bilberries! Do you hear me Santa? That is on my list! By the way Santa, I don't want a whole lot for Christmas. I  would be happy with either a fairy godmother, a genie or a magic wand.  I have very valuable information. Names, places.. I'm willing to cut a deal.

13. My Big Sis, Noreen, got kicked out of the  casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.


My complaint:

The mechanic at Lithia Chevrolet  said  he couldn’t repair my brakes, so he made my horn louder. Then to add insult to injury, he asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I'm pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I'm driving".  Geez dude, I may be blond but I ain't stupid.

My two Confessions: 

1. I'm still a bit shaken up. I was involved in a violent mugging this afternoon. On the plus side I did make $131 and I think this watch looks really good on me.

2. I’m not crazy. Just imaginative.

No, I'm not kidding: 

1. Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democrat Party. They have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance. This photo is of a black bear in Shingletown turned Democrat. He's nicknamed Bearack Obearma. It's believed that he has become a campground organizer at Lake Nora and Lake Grace.

BEARACK OBEARMA

Obviously, his sons,  young Republicans, are very embarrassed about this!

3. Ultimately, I hope that wherever my missing socks go, they’re happy.

4, Don't be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.

5. Someone invited me to their cat's birthday party next Saturday. Seriously? I am NOT going to that cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is getting married that weekend!

6. I am not a religious person but if I was ever to be baptized, I think it would be funny If I put Alka-Seltzer in my mouth and pretended to be  possessed by the devil. Yes, I know, I am going to Hell.

7. A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for a local swimming pool. Really? A swimming pool in Shingletown? Hell yes, I gave him a donation.  I gave him a glass of water.


My questions: 

I don't get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn't it already cracked to begin with?

Wouldn’t it be nice if the world was flat? That way we could just push off the people we don’t like.

Something I will never understand: Why is it acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out?

The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot, right?

Memories of a time long ago:

When I was 7 years old I ran away from home with the family dog Shep. I found reward posters ONLY looking for the dog.  Very sad indeed.

If I ever go missing again, I would like my photo put on Finlandia vodka bottles instead of milk cartons. This way my friends and family will know to look for me.

Just thoughts:

1. If I had an identical twin, we would move to opposite ends of the country and tell none of our new friends that we had a twin. Then when one of us dies, the other would attend the funeral and whisper “it’s your fault” to random people, then leave. Damn, I wish I had a twin. That would be hilarious!

2. I would like to thank all the humans who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.

3. Last 4 letters of American - I CAN, last 4 letters of Republican - I CAN, last 4 letters of Democrats - Rats

4. If you’re an astronaut, and you don’t end a relationship with “Look, I just need space..” then you're just wasting every one's time.

Seriously? : 

Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dogs aren't doing their part of the chores around here.

I’m looking up at the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data.

No, I will never shut up about the chemtrails:

Have you all stopped, and actually looked up at the sky lately? Skies should be blue and clouds should be white. Anyone taken notice of the strips of obvious man made patterns that criss cross, streak, or have been dispersed in bursts, leaving that hazy cloud cover so much so that only a conformist, a simpleton, or a liar would dare say "that's normal"? How about at the ground that most of us walk on obliviously each and every morning, afternoon, and night? Noticed anything unusual  lately? Like, the silence in our forest? Creatures in their daily comings and goings in their city of trees. Seem to suddenly disappear. Noticed one side of the trees are without bark? Burned away by the suns radiation? The buzz of the bees is not so much anymore either and the shrubs, bushy and green yesterday, grey dry sticks of death today. My goal is to awaken and unify all different types of people - about this geoengineering.  With the hope that people start speaking out, creating enough noise and applying pressure to the right places, or at least resistance to some of the injustice being forced down our throats everyday, and never mentioned on the evening news.

All you have to do is look up to know that something just ain't right. As I have said before- those are not regular contrails coming out of those planes! Contrails do not fan out across the sky and cause it to be cloudy. People do not get sick from contrails. The planes spraying this poison on us are not on the list of flights that fly in the United States on a daily basis. Google chemtrails, and educate yourself. We all should be worried about this! Yeah, yeah, I'm a dog with a bone about this geoengineering shit, right? You should all know, I speak my mind, because it hurts too damn much to bite my tongue. 

At my local bar:

I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, never mind, I found my drink.

You say mystery bruises, I say drinking badge of honor.

My relationship with vodka has been on the rocks lately.

Is it half empty? Is it half full? Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable? So, my advice to you is to not look at your drink as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next one.

Things I trust more than Hillary Clinton:

Mexican tap water
A rattlesnake with a "pet me" sign
OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection
Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby
Michael Jackson's Doctor
An Obama Nuclear deal with Iran
A Palestinian on a motorcycle
Brian Williams news reports
Playing Russian Roulette with a semi-auto pistol
A condom made in China
And finally -
Bill Clinton at a Girl Scout convention

Merry Christmas everyone!

I am looking forward to putting my Christmas tree up and I don't need an angel on the top because my dad is already there looking down on me!

Can't wait for my daughter and grandchildren to come for Christmas - we are heading to ESKIMO HILL !

Just more "Ramblings" from Vickie

My Confession:  So many times the thoughts in my head get bored and go for a stroll and out through my mouth.This is rarely a good thing, but Yes, I am back. Two of my friends, Savana and Rich, asked me where my blog has been.  I had a conflict of no interest....health problems, everyday problems, you name it.  Back to my blog after months of what I call my "blog vacation". It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 months now. Warning: As usual I am not wearing a filter. Sometimes I wonder if my need to say random shit on this blog will ever be satisfied, but just remember people, you will never understand me, ever. But keep trying. It's cute. If kindness really kills, you’ll always be completely safe around me. Who else do you know that speaks sarcasm as a second language? I’m not always sarcastic. Sometimes I sleep.

The last time I drove to my "Big Sis's" (Noreen) house I saw a donkey crossing the road. A donkey in Shingletown? 

The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart ass.

My thoughts: 

I have come to the realization that gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. Actually I go to the Jim several times each day. 

Our town has one dog grooming place, called the "Doggie Grooming Parlor" but I'm thinking about starting my own dog grooming business. I'm gonna call it  “Doggie Style” ...who do you think is going to get the most business? Seriously, If anyone out there in our big wide world has a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with them!

Instead of telling my grandchildren that I walked to school both ways in the snow (which incidentally I DID), I think I will have to tell them that I once had to use a dial up modem to connect to the internet, and most times I would have to wait for a connection if I got a busy signal. And IF  I was able to connect, I would have to listen to an awful screeching noise, and then once connected, hope to hell that no one in the house picked up the phone or else my connection would be lost. Grandkids today, they don’t know the hardships of yesteryear.

Speaking of kids, I bet my grown-up children miss their childhood, where the hardest decision they had to make was picking a crayon.

Nowadays, I'd rather change a tire than a diaper. With that said, you can bet your ass you will never see me change a diaper again, in my lifetime.

If I would have known there would be a Facebook in the future, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbooks. Hmmm that’s a bit too harsh so let me put “lol” at the end of it. For my high school friends, I'm just kidding. You should all know by now that I can’t be friends with sensitive ass people, I joke around way too much.

I think all rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blades so when they spin it looks a halo.

I seriously think the next Star Wars movie should go Country! I would be excited to see Garth Vader...

The HBO series "Game of Thrones" is hella exciting, but I think it's important to remember that these people are fighting over a damn chair.

Always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations and replace it with "Drinking for two"

Bruce Jenner could attach his new boobs to his damn forehead and I still wouldn’t care..enough about him! Enough about her!

I see the "Seven Deadly Sins" as more of a To-Do list.

My local bar: 

I never realize how funny my life can be until someone asks me what I like to do for fun. A friend at the local bar: 

What did you do this weekend? 

Me: Dug holes in the woods. 

And that, my friends, is how you get people to shut up.

Some people at my local bar need a high five… in the face … with a chair. (Bet you know who I am referencing Noreen!)

When I go to my local bar and then play that time backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.

There's no excuse for my behavior, so I'm drinking until I have one.

Remember, you don't have to go to the bar, after all it's not really drinking alone if the dog is home.

Todays drinking game? Every time you see a Chemtrail you have to take a shot. (I'll be outside)

My questions:

If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?

Do they call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken?

Anybody else wonder about this? That the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid?

We have so many Dollar Stores and Dollar General stores in the United States. If the UK has a dollar store is it called “Pound Town”?

Selling stuff on EBay:

This was my recent ad:

Camo Jacket for sale:

Still hating on Putin:

Recently two of my grandchildren visited and as usual we spent many a night in my sauna. I particularly adore this photo of my grandaughter Skylar. 

The sauna is my place for relaxation. It is my place of physical and mental relaxation. and it’s my necessity. I don't talk much in the sauna, but I do think a lot. That is why I have my "Keep Calm and Hate Putin" sign. Yes, thinking about how much I hate Putin is relaxing to me. 

Sauna Etiquette/Rules:

I was raised with certain sauna rules, which I have taught my children and grandchildren. The most important is that nothing upsets me more than when I am getting a good sweat on and someone else gets up to leave and does not close the door behind them. Nearly as bad is when someone is on their way in, and stops to chat with someone else while holding the door open. When the sauna door is open, it does not take long for the heat to spill out of the sauna.

Geoengineering: 

All I want to say about this is : LOOK UP and WAKE UP! It saddens me to no end to realize how many people are in denial about what is happening to humanity, animals, and our Earth! The next time you see this: 

Be alarmed. Very alarmed. Both of these photos were taken from my back yard. These photos do not show "condensation trails" they are nothing more than pure evidence of "chemtrails". You should learn the difference. I'm sick of hearing comments made by ignorant people that chemtrails are the same as contrails. If you pay attention I think you'll find it hard to say they're the same thing. Let me explain the difference. A contrail occurs when a plane travels at a high altitude (about 30,000 ft. or more) and compresses the air into a water vapor or ice crystals through jet engines or the wing tips pushing through the air. This trail disappears after a minute or so due to evaporation, because it's water. A chemtrail is very different from a contrail. At first a chemtrail might look a bit like a contrail. But, instead of disappearing like a contrail does, a chemtrail just keeps spreading out and forming a hazy cloud bank. These trails travel in the sky, the whole sky, and stay for up to five or even eight hours. They turn what was originally our beautiful clear blue skies into a grey haze. These skies are not what we grew up with people! I am involved in an ongoing battle against the IGNORANCE of Chemtrails, so if you think I'm some sort of conspiracy wacko, stop reading. If you want to learn the truth, then stay with me. Chemical tests reveal aluminum and barium have been sprayed from the planes. The time to deny what we can all see with our very own eyes  has long passed. GEOENGINEERING/CHEMTRAILS exist. Our blue skies are no longer, agencies and people can continue to lie and debunk it, but the truth is the truth. In my county, Shasta County,  rainwater, lake water and soils have been tested, and they all have the typical chemtrail footprint of aluminum, barium and strontium along with other toxic metals. We are breathing these chemicals, we are drinking these chemicals, it is on our skin. 

For you non-believers of what is really happening, take 15 minutes of your time and watch this video! If anything else, watch it for your children and grandchildren. Your great- grandchildren may never be born. The lack of any investigative journalism in our mainstream media should be a huge red flag to every person on earth. Some people only listen to, and believe what they want to hear, the truth, to them, is irrelevant.

https://youtu.be/FeTaejpg18g

Ok, moving on........................

Forgotten Christmas presents: 

I felt ambitious and cleaned out my garage yesterday. I ran across some Christmas decorations on top of my sauna and went through the boxes.  I found a present from last year that I had forgotten to give one of my grandchildren. I was so disappointed! They would really have loved that kitten…

Ut-Oh:

Jeffrey? Jeffrey? That awkward moment when you put something in a safe place and then forget where the safe place is.

Overheard Conversation:

I was sitting with Rich at the bar enjoying a cocktail when he got a cell phone call from Scuba. I couldn't help but overhear the conversation.
Scuba: I’m calling from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Rich: WTF ?????
(My advice to Scuba:  Don’t let regrets about the past or worries about the future rob you of your enjoyment of the present, we all make mistakes. Move on)

For the love of Wolves:

California has been blessed with seven new wolves who has claimed our State as their place of residency! I am excited! Five endangered gray wolf pups and their two adult parents in Siskiyou County. The California Fish and Game Commission voted to list gray wolves as endangered under the California Endangered Species Act in 2014. The gray wolf is also listed as endangered in California, under the Federal Endangered Species Act of 1973. Welcome to California "Shasta Pack" (named for nearby Mount Shasta). This is the first Wolf pack in the State of California in 91 years. I can only hope that the hunters and ranchers leave them be - 

Laura's Horse:

My friend Laura has a beautiful paint horse, no doubt about it. But look at this Paint Horse!

Look carefully. 

This paint horse spells out "Horse" !

Noreen and I went to the Wild Horse Sanctuary a while back and found an even better Paint Horse!

My 2016 Campaign Sign:

Remember, when you see Chemtrails, think of this:

That's it for now - off I go - but remember, If any of you ever need anything I’m just an unanswered phone call away. 

The best part about this blog is that by the time you’ve finished reading it you realize that there is absolutely no point to it, right?

It's April already?

My greatest accomplishment for the last couple of months was keeping my mouth shut. Obviously that's a lie, because here I am blogging again. My Finnish cousin in FLORUBA asked where my blog from MEXIFORNIA was, so here it is.  I know you people that read my blog are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away. 

(Yep, sure enough -  my level of sarcasm’s gotten to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not)

My Finnish Sisu: 

When I come to the end of my rope, I tie a knot and hang on. I can hang on forever. I will never give up. I come to the end of my rope quite often, but I certainly know how to tie a good solid knot and hang on. So, if you ask me what I'm up to, I will probably respond with .....Just Hangin'

The Seattle Seahawks: 

Saw this late breaking story from ESPN Sportscenter..........

Pete Carroll, former head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, is reported to be very near to signing on as a special consultant to The Pope in Vatican City. The Pope looks to recruit Carroll to be a spokesman for the Catholic Church because he is the first man in history that made 100 million people jump up and yell "Jesus Christ!" at the same time. More information will be reported as this story is followed. (Not really, I am pretty disgusted with the Seattle Seahawks right now, can you tell?)

My April Complaints: 

You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

My Doctor said I am supposed to stop all dairy products. If I kick dairy won't I get the milk shakes? Don't think I can do it. I was raised on Darigold products. Life is too short for fake milk, butter, cheese or people. I think I would  have a better chance of surviving The Oregon Trail than giving up my dairy products!

I am really sick of these Liam Neeson's "Taken" movies. I think they should just make make a final “Taken” movie, about Liam Neeson’s character being under appreciated for trying to keep his family safe. Movie Title: “Taken 4: Granted”

The human knee is a lousy piece of engineering and I am thinking of my friend Noreen. This will help! 

I lost my mood ring, and to be perfectly honest - I’m not sure how I feel about this.

Just something to think about: 

Death is an objective fact. Would anyone dare to propose that death is a product of our imagination? I don’t think so. But on the other hand, none of us has yet seen our own death. So how can we know that our death is certain, if we haven’t seen it? We only know by an educated guess or a hypothesis. Everyone in the past has died, without exception. So it is reasonable to conclude that for us, too, death is an undeniable fact. Too "heavy" for you? Yeah, me too.

My April Questions:

Why the hell is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyway? I just think that's really odd. (I bet there’s probably an employee named Jake who works at State Farm, who’s had it with people’s jokes about this)

I spend a really unusual amount of time trying to figure out where the bruises on my body come from. Do I really even want to know?

My thoughts about America and My thoughts about Obama: 

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

Obama has deliberately weakened the command structure of our armed forces. I have read somewhere that there were more than 200 high ranking officers relieved of duty and many more have left the service. This is an unprecedented act done by any president in our history and it is very suspicious to say the least. If this doesn't open your eyes and start you rethinking your world view, then you can just stay wrapped in denial and continue singing with the unicorns and dancing in the rainbows. At least until the big awakening bursts your little utopian bubble.

My April Advice: 

Carry your gun everywhere you legally can and carry a trauma kit so you can, if needed, give first aid to those in need. It’s time to think about what you are prepared to do. Gear up. Evil is coming. Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.

Never make eye contact while eating a banana.

Our Universe: 

I think our universe is so damn awesome.  Like a giant toy store, and aren’t we lucky to live in the time we do instead of the middle ages when the quest for knowledge was punished by burning at the stake?

Speaking of the Universe: And then "something" created Saturn… and it liked it… So it put a ring on it.

As for earth, it's a beautiful place, no doubt about it, but it's an over-populated world with limited resources,  plenty of famine, disease, war, pestilence, natural disasters, and just plain old person-on-person violence. But,  where else are we gonna live?

Just the Truth:

Sometimes I look at all four of my dogs  and my heart physically hurts because I love them so much. People may laugh, but they only WISH they were as loved as any one of my dogs.

After a certain (non disclosed) amount of years on this Earth I have come to the conclusion that there are three types of people.  People  who stay when your life gets rough.  People who leave when your life gets rough.  People who make your life rough.

One fourth of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other three fourths of me is, well, an asshole. What can I say? I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions, or unnecessary conversations.

I totally disagree with the “World’s Oldest Profession” being prostitution because the first man to use a prostitute had to have some kind of job to pay her, right? Yeah, I'm right.

So, the last time I flew, this guy on the plane asked me "So, where are you going to?" (Seriously Dude?) My answer: I’m guessing it’s the same place you’re going. Geez, there really are some idiots in the world aren't there?

Shit happens, just step over it!

Obama took a private plane flight over an Indian Reservation in Parker Arizona -

It certainly appears that  the people in Arizona are looking for a change also.

In alcohol’s defense, I’ve  done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too. Admit it, so have all of you. I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking. Sometimes alcohol is the hand sanitizer for the soul.  To me, “drink responsibly” means not spilling it.

My morning Chai Tea Latte: The original first responder

I’m not totally saying I’m old and worn out, but I do make damn sure that I am nowhere near the end of my driveway on Tuesday trash day.

Did you ask me?

My dream job? It would definitely be the Karma delivery service.

My spirit Animal? My spirit animal might be that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure. Because sometimes I don't know why I do the things I do. Maybe the chicken saw someone from way back, you know, like high school. Just sayin’. Speaking of chickens - They are the only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. Ok, that's somewhat disgusting.

Sometimes I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a cute huggable puppy, or just a plate of nachos (Sometimes I wish I was full of nachos instead of emotions).

My parents were so lucky they survived my rebellious phase. It lasted quite a number of years. Me as a teenager: "That’s a horrible idea. Hell YES, let's do it! What time?"

Remember when teenage girls had diaries and  then they got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything on Facebook and get mad when people don’t. Go figure.

The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, it's like being a little kid again - I’ve forgotten where I was going and damn if I don't have to pee. Yep, cold weather gear is great until you have to pee.

For one of my dog’s birthday's I am going to steal a school bus and drive that dog and all the neighborhood's dogs around with all the windows down. What a birthday gift that would be, right?

True story - I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, but I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person. Hmmm, maybe I should rethink that statement. My friend Kara's new dog doesn't like me. Oh wait, her other dog Reasa does. It's confirmed. One must get to know me before they like me. Even canines. Having pets is weird if you really think about it. You don’t speak the same language, you create a strong bond by being around each other and you even sleep together. Sometimes you might accidentally step on their tail once in a while but at the end of the day, you’re best friends and you are from entirely different species. Yeah, it's weird.

If I was to ever date again (and that's highly unlikely) this would be my Facebook status: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …don't worry, will never happen. The dating or the Facebook.

Ok, ummmm...."American Sniper" proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work. My advice there? Mute your phone. You can't properly scope in on your target chit chatting with your Stateside wife! And why the hell do you have a cell phone in the battle zone anyway? Unreal.

Some people in my life: I see that your lights are on but I also see that someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.

My predictions for the year 2050: 

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest Country in the world, Mexifornia,formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the third language.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last Castro finally dies.  Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for fifth consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.

Gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2051.

63 Pakistanis died this morning. It was not a terrorist attack; a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .

And for any of you who leave your dogs unattended in vehicles, this is for you: 

(you may have to copy and paste)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=p4Zu-a1dWhk

In parting, just want to say:

Just another January

DISCLOSURE: 

I HEREBY GIVE MY PERMISSION to the the President of the United States, the Police, the NSA, the FBI and CIA, the Swiss Guards, the Priory of Scion, the inhabitants of Middle Earth, Agents Mulder and Scully, All the Storm Troopers and Darth Vader, the Mad Hatter, Chuck Norris, The Avengers, The Men in Black, X-Men, Ghost Busters, The Justice League, Gandalf and Dumbledore, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and all the members of Van Halen, Dr.Who, James Garner, Angela Landsbury, the WWF, EPA , He-man, Cheech and Chong,  Batman, and even Magnum P.I. and Poo-Poo Putin to view all the amazing and interesting things that I publish on this blog. I’m aware that my privacy ended the very day that I started this blog. 

My January Advice:

You’ll end up real disappointed if you think people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.

Don’t reach for the stars. They are extremely hot and will incinerate you.

If you make your door bell a recording of a shotgun being racked you won't get so many people at your door.

Never forget that at the end of the game, the king and the pawn go back in the same box to sleep side by side.

My January Questions:

Wouldn't it be so cool if you could see Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies?

I wonder if my dogs always follow me into the bathroom because I always follow them outside when they have to potty and they just think that’s how it works?

Isn't it  season 7 of Sons of Anarchy? Yet,  seriously I  have not  seen any of them, and I mean ANY of them ever stop to put gas in their Harleys!

Ok, so why do medications always have side effects? You know, for example  like ‘anal leakage’ or ‘suicidal thoughts’? Why not ‘invisibility’ or ‘spontaneous orgasms’?

Hello Finland,  where can I find a Finnish sauna and enjoy delicious Finnish food, havarti cheese, rye breads, with a good strong cup of coffee? All at once?

My January Truth's: 

"I love you unconditionally*" - God
(*certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details)

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my Collie again.

IKEA's cost cutting plan for the year 2015 includes sending a whole tree to your house, complete with nails, hammer and a saw so that you can just build your own shit.

Women can say “what a dick” as an insult or a compliment for men. It's true!

I would rather have a life full of scars than one full of fear. I have three very obvious scars and trust me they were worth it.

I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, Mr. UPS man!

Sometimes my Finnish Wizards take me through troubled waters, not to drown me but to cleanse me.

I have come to the realization that my real friends don’t get offended when I insult them. They smile and call me something even more offensive. Hell, that's true friendship.

The best stories that I have ever told always end with the words "and then I got the hell out of there.”

The difference between people who hunt is that hunting is a hell of a lot easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants. Poor plants don't even stand a chance. If you step on a twig and it makes noise, well, off the deer goes, but the plant just sits there. Really unfair. To the plant.

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight…you’re drunk. True fact.

It’s true, alcohol kills people. But just think about it - how many people were born because of it?

My friend Scuba, real name non-disclosed of course, got so high the other night that we all searched for him for over 30 minutes while he HELPED us look.

My January Complaint's:

I was told by Bank of America that I had a transaction charge outside of the United States. Seriously? I rarely leave the freaking mountain I live on, let alone fly somewhere on a plane outside of the United States.  SpiceJet Unlimited? In India? Oh HELL NO, that was not a transaction that I made. Who the hell names their airline SpiceJet anyway? After researching them I found this: "When gullible passengers book tickets, they cancel flights at the last moment, then they promise to reimburse full fare within 30 days while they enjoy the interest on the fare amount and end up paying their clients 50% of their fare costs. If you wish to be taken for a ride, this is the flight for you".  Might want to update that to add that they somehow steal your BofA credit card and rack up $400 worth of non-existant flight charges.

Which brings to mind, does anyone else think that buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself?

I have to learn to lock my drive gate more often. The Sheriff's Department knocked on my door at 11 pm and asked me where I was between 5 and 6. What the hell kind of a question is that? Being the honest person that I am -  I told them kindergarten.

2014, I am not sorry to see you leave:

Thanks, 2014, you were really crappy. Let's look back on what a great year it wasn't.  Ray Rice beat his wife, but nobody really cared until they saw a video of Ray Rice beating his wife. We narrowly escaped Ebola. Or did we?  (More than six thousand people have died from Ebola) The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) entered the picture,  the breakdown in relations between Russia and the west got worse,  America returned to war in the Middle East, Scotland didn't vote for independence,  Bill Cosby and that guy from Seventh Heaven ruined childhoods.  While the majority of  other businesses mysteriously caught fire, screen printed T-shirt sales were a ten year high in Ferguson, Missouri. The disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 is still a mystery, and one can always count on the Putin Russian propaganda division blaming the USA to constantly play their divide and conquer little mind game in Europe. 

The Holidays are over:

The only thing I wanted this holiday season was for someone to wake me when it was over. I’ve come to terms with the fact that it never “feels like Christmas” anymore because I’ll never be as happy as I was when I was a child. True fact. Christmas to me nowadays is just the time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning! Or rum. Or Kahlua, or anything alcoholic for that matter. Worst Christmas ever. You can assume that, for the next year, there will be Baileys in every cup of coffee I drink. If 2014 was a person, I’d sue it for pain and suffering! If I learned anything in 2014, it is that 2014 taught me that you outgrow people and it’s okay.

My goals for 2015:

To ONLY surround myself with supportive, positive and honest truthful people - that only add smiles and happiness to my life.

To not miss the August  Perseid meteor shower which peaks the night of Aug. 12 and continues into the early morning of Aug. 13. No moon means this will be one of the best meteor showers in the Northern Hemispere. The best in a couple of years actually since in past years the moon was out playing havoc with my meteors. 60 to 100 of them per hour! You can't get any better than that! Well actually you can - 2015's best meteor shower comes in December, the Geminids, on the night/morning of Dec. 13/14.  That one will have up to 120 meteors per hour (at the peak)with just a little crescent moon which is tolerable light for a meteor shower. Last December I was out watching the Geminids, all bundled up in ski clothes, blankets, gloves, fell asleep out there and ended up with pneumonia. Love meteor showers but dang it, getting pneumonia doesn't make it worthwhile, does it?

My other goal in 2015 is to accomplish the goals of 2014 which I should have done in 2013 because I made a promise in 2012 and planned it in 2011.

My Final Thoughts:

Good Luck Seattle Seahawks! It would be awesome to see a powerful team like Seattle going for a second title!

Communist Russian Pig Putin :  His politics,  His low IQ, His ego fueled by vodka.What could go wrong? Putin wants the Arctic now. The Arctic circle is a wealth of natural resources.  Five countries have staked claim to it.  Russia, Canada, USA, Norway and Denmark. 5 countries want to carve up this North Pole like a freak'n Christmas turkey?  Maybe Putin is thinking of setting up emergency bunker shelters in that area? The lower Arctic regions  would escape a lot of fallout from a Nuclear exchange wouldn't they?  Just say'n. 

And my final question: Does anyone else wonder about this? When your dog sees a police dog does he think to himself "Oh shit, it's the cops!" ???????